Divorced Men: You’re Not the Captain of Your Own Ship

Seven years after my divorce, I thought I was doing everything right. I rebuilt my career. I got healthy. I dated. I “put in the work.” I thought I was healed. But God showed me I had been building my new life on sand.

In this episode, I’m speaking directly to divorced Christian men—men who are still carrying invisible wounds, hiding behind success, and chasing money, relationships, and validation instead of Christ. We’ll talk about:

• The “arrow in the back of the head” every wounded man carries (and hides)
• Why dating too soon after divorce often leads to more pain
• How loneliness, numbing, and pride keep us stuck for years
• The dangerous lie behind “I am the captain of my soul”
• What repentance, discipleship, and abiding in Christ really look like
• Why the church, broken as it is, is still God’s plan A for your healing

This is not a pep talk. This is a warning and an invitation. God will let you keep chasing your idols until they break you—or He will graciously burn them to the ground Himself so you can start over with Him at the center.

If you’ve been trying to lead your life on your own terms, it’s time to stop. Lay down your pride, pick up your Bible, plant yourself in a church, and let God rebuild you from the inside out.

Scriptures Referenced: Matthew 7:16–20, Luke 15:20, John 15:5, Proverbs 3:5–12, Galatians 5:22–23, James 2:19

Transcript

Todd Turner (00:00)
Seven years, that's how long it's been since I've lost the life that I thought I was building. My world crashed and burned. Like many of you, post divorce we lay in the ashes and ultimately we just try to survive and orient ourselves with the next right step. And ultimately we try to rebuild. Today's episode.

is deeply personal for me. What happens when the cornerstones we've set post divorce were wrong? what happens when years later you have to burn it all to the ground and start over yet again?

Today I'm gonna speak as a man. I'm speaking to men in this episode. But let me say something. 99 % of the Bible is written to both genders. It's us, especially the American church, who create men and women ministries.

God's stories and his degrees.

I'm still not sure exactly why we do that. But since I'm talking about a lot of men's feelings and their mindsets.

And I am a man.

I'm gonna dedicate this episode to the men of divorce. Now women, I'm sure there's gonna be some of you who choose to listen. I hope you're blessed and I hope if you listen, you will know how to pray for the single men in your life or how to pray for your next husband.

Let's set the table.

In America, here in the 21st century, men are raised and encouraged to live life on an island. We romanticize the lone wolf in our action movies. Our leaders, the CEOs get the press, not the teams behind them. The owners are important, not the management. The senior pastor, not the churches. The head coach, not his staff.

Our role models, they don't cry and they certainly don't mention failure often. And if they do, it's after their next win.

Men don't talk much about grief. We bury it. And somehow we get away with the silence. We're told it's okay. Men are just like that. They just don't have the communication skills that women have.

We tribe alone. know how to verbalize it, we divorced Christian men carry some serious weight, sometimes in silence and sometimes without the right words to describe it. We carry the weight of failure, of failure of protecting our families, failures of crushed dreams.

and with the sad reality that a higher percentage of our kids may have serious life issues because they're now children of divorce. Statistically, they are way likely to struggle with depression, with substance abuse, with academic issues. And one really famous survey talks that they are twice as likely to attempt suicide than

households where that has the father highly involved. Like these are real issues and disappointments and weights that we carry that if we look in the mirror and are honest with ourselves, we claim those responsibilities either privately or sometimes out loud.

we were asked to give all to our family. And some of us didn't. And if we're honest with ourselves, most all of us failed majorly somewhere, somewhere along the way that even if we weren't at fault with our marriage, there is a smoking gun that we were responsible for that we hold plenty of weight in the dissolving of our marriage.

if we were just honest with ourselves.

Statistically, divorced men are out of the house with visitation rights. And that leads to even more isolation in our lives. Our churches do a pretty poor job in general, not every church, supporting divorced members. I talk about this quite a bit in another episode if you want to go listen about churches. My analogy applies to men and women.

is that being divorced is like being in a car wreck and you limp your way back into church and instead of being healed and tended to like at a hospital, imagine the doctors coming in and just telling you, ⁓ the way, cars were not designed to be wrecked. Like here's how God built them and like, let me teach you how to drive a car and forget your wreck. Here's the theology behind cars. You're like, whoa.

The guy, the doctor's never been in a wreck. He doesn't even know what I'm dealing with. So many of us, I'm talking to men here, many of us men walk away from the church because we don't feel it's the place to go get healing. We get healed outside of the church. If you want to listen more to that, go back and listen to my church episode. I 100 % fall into this category.

And often we get into the cycle of blaming others or justifying our behavior or worldviews and even our theology. Why aren't we in church? Why my ex was the problem? Why my kids and I don't talk anymore? Why I lost my job? Why I don't speak to my family much anymore? Why I'm always angry and why they always deserve it? Why would

I really try when I am so broken. We have these internal conversations that turn into external conversations. Now, statistically, we men do a couple things post-divorce. We pour into our work. We focus on our health. We start dating. We numb. We drink, porn, alcohol, or even worse, isolation.

where everything I just mentioned magnifies. We are often dangerously lonely. Doesn't mean we don't hang out with people. It doesn't mean we stay at home all the time, but inside, deeply dangerously lonely. And now we live in a world of dopamine hit social media. So we waste.

days we waste hours on this mind-numbing scroll where we're looking for the next funny news conflict fear of missing out moment and we spend so much of our days wrapped up in this little thing in our hand so as we navigate all these realities and the statistics i just talked about somewhere in there we try to rebuild

And if you're anything like me with this, you slip into this kind of what I'm going to call now dangerous logic as we look for our next life partner. Like, well, that relationship failed. So if I just get into a new, better relationship, things will be better. I just need a new woman, better than the last one, or one that can live with my flaws or my broken reality.

I'll just find a better, different partner, then maybe I can be happy or satisfied or life will be easier. We miss being loved. We miss being wanted. We miss being needed. We miss laughter. We miss the snuggles. And you know what? Maybe we miss intimacy or at worst, we crave it for the first time because we never

really got it. So we start our search. Most often too early before we're ready, but whenever it is, we start our search.

Sometimes maybe it's for keeps, sometimes it's just for healing or to work out those relationship muscles. Get back out there. More often it's just for validation or worse, just for a way to shut the pain off for just another weekend.

But most of us are still wounded, still bleeding. We are desperately broken, but we're walking, half-ass looking for a partner just to numb the pain or to feel something different. So whether you get on the dating apps or go to bars or wherever you go, we try to put our best foot forward to the opposite gender.

We kind of hide our faults and the pain. We face forward online where they can't see our wounds. We flaunt the good side, right? We flaunt our looks. We flaunt our success. We flaunt our assets, our humor maybe. But really it's just like a man. Imagine walking into a room, right? We shake hands, we look great, whatever, but imagine a big arrow sticking out of the back of our head. It's bloody. We have been shot.

But we have the good smile, we have the good posture, we have the strong handshake, but with a giant arrow of bleeding, bruised, trauma, everybody in front of us sees the polished man we want them to see. But we know it's there. Now we may not be able to wear the hat we want. We may have to adjust the mask we put on, but we build outfits around the arrow and we don't talk about it. We hide it to the other group.

Remember the movie Gladiator where Maximus is wounded and he's bleeding out and it's under his armor, but he has his armor on and he's still out in arena. He's still fighting. He still looks the part, but deep down he knows he's bleeding out. That's us. We're bleeding under the armor. We have the arrow and we're just out there pretending that everything's okay when we know it's not.

We're trying to move on with our lives and find our partner, find our moments of happiness. know, online with the apps, you post the photos, you text, you crack the jokes, right?

At work, you lead the meeting, but inside we're dying, but we march on. Why? Because we're a man. We're told to. What else are we going to do? What other choice do we have?

It's easy for us to hide behind success, our best features, good times, laughter. You know why? Because there's so many broken women out there doing the same thing. They want love. They want validation. They want proof that they have worth, that their ex just threw them away.

they want to know if a man or a line of men will make them feel wanted, feel cherished. And it is easy to take advantage of this. And once you learn how, time and money is the only restraint to this endeavor. And many of us get caught up in this because it feels good and we enjoy the challenge.

We enjoy the conquering and at least we get a win somehow in our lives. This is Brutally Honest Talk. Women, I am so sorry to say that out loud, but this is for the men.

We want what we lost. We want validation. We want respect. We want to be loved, truly loved. We may have lost it or even felt we never had it.

If not that, we just fall into that cycle of numbing, using, looking for a good time, a cheap smile, or a moment of happiness. And maybe we just call it something else.

We may want a real relationship, or we want a fix to soothe the ache in our hearts.

I have done all of these things until about year four or five of my singleness. I thought I was healed and ready, that I had put in the work. I thought I had my hurts gone, my wild hair out of my system. I pulled on enough locked doors and I opened doors that led to nowhere.

or to even more hurt. I gave love a shot to about three or four women that I tried honestly to build a relationship with. I tried to lean in and yet every one of them failed for various reasons. I blame the failures on being hard to match with lives at this age. And I gotta be honest, I still believe there is a

crisis of independence for single women living in the Western world. And you can go listen that I think it's an episode or two back where I did an episode with Jessica Kastner and we talked about this phenomenon. But in my judging of women, it really brought me to pull the mirror up moment about men. right, if women are having this issue, what is the issue with men? What's our crisis?

What's, what's, if I'm this hard on women, why am I not a hard on men? Why am I not this hard on myself? And so I started looking around and after a hard look at myself here in year seven of my divorce, I was still broken. God timed this moment of self-awareness with the lesson that he had for me.

He needed my attention and I am here to say he got it. God ⁓ is burning me and my worldviews and my habits to the ground. And I say to the ground. He loves us so much that he will not let us live broken.

So as I sought for two things in my post-divorce life, I thought I wanted money and I thought I wanted a relationship. I thought these two things would bring me happiness. A financial wealth of, not that I was just trying to get rich by any means, but I did seek financial security. And if I could just find the right partner, you I sincerely wanted

to be loved. And I would say the first four years of me being single, I wanted to be loved. The last three years is me wanting to love. I feel like I grew in my maturity in that area. I just wanted someone to love. I spent the last few years giving it a real shot.

and

Only recently am I seeing the difference.

And only recently, my seeing the differences between the two, I just did, I justified my desire to make a healthy living, which I, ironically, I helped churches and nonprofits fundraise. And I was teaching about sacrificial giving while I was being a total.

hypocrite in so many areas of sacrifice. That's probably a podcast all in itself, not for today. But the Lord has just decided to intervene and crash my world. He's removed everything I was chasing. He has removed my placebos. He has removed friends. He has removed income. He has removed potential mates. He has removed...

Business, he has removed my joy. He has paused my life to a screeching halt. As I sat and still sit in these ashes as I record this, I heard God whisper,

Those will not bring you the happiness you desire.

Todd, your life lenses are broken and because I love you, I'm not gonna let you catch your goals and have you drift even further from where I want you.

God wants me satisfied in Him. I was not built to be rich. I was not built to marry the perfect woman for me. I was not built to seek after things that make me happy or content or to chase after dreams or goals of this world. I am not built to numb. I am not built to use my worldview to trumps the Lord's

demand for obedience.

I have forgotten my first love. As I built and chased false idols, God did not let me to continue in my worthless pursuits.

and this cooling of my faith that eroded over years, it literally affected my marriage and it 100 % affected my healing and numbing after my marriage.

God showed me that my vertical relationship is broken, so my horizontal relationships don't have a chance. My Todd captaining his own ship is a worthless endeavor.

I have been thinking that money and a partner was what I was missing in my life. If I just had those things, I would finally be happy. I would be satisfied.

I was working on myself. I was putting in the work, as we say, in building a house of cards, building a new life on sand. If the ache is spiritual, no woman was going to heal it. No amount of money was going to heal it. No hobby can heal it. No amount of anything.

Post divorce, I had gotten the negative actions after a few years out of my life, but the positive actions were still poorly designed. As I healed the divorce, I laid a poor groundwork, poor foundation for my new life. And God had to tap me on the shoulders and tell this and reveal it. I did not pursue a life of Christ being my...

only need my only God. I wanted to add Him to the life I was building like Lord yeah yeah you can join in this thing like I'm getting it right this time like sorry I screwed up the other one I'm gonna get this one right come join me in my endeavors and I might have fun at this God like just you can be involved you know I'll see you Sunday I'll see you Sunday I did not seek

First, the kingdom of God, and then all these things will be added to you. I was romanticizing a new life. I was creating new idols and trying to get it right this next time. You know, I'm a stubborn man. I'm telling you, if you know me, you know I can be hard-hearted. God let me sit for seven years. I think about the prodigal son.

Like he just left and went on his own and I went 100 % left the reservation. I did. I left the church reservation for sure. You know, it's like God sometimes comes to us and just sort of taps us on the shoulder. He's like, hey, how's that going? You know, how's it going down there? How's it living you being the boss How's that working for you? Not too good, right? Well,

It wasn't working great, but I was trying because I just had set up the idols of just if I work on my health, in my case, it was money. In my case, it was a woman, but I did put other things of like, I just want to be happy. I'm going to travel more. I'm going to do these things. And I look for happiness along the way. And they weren't going to bring me joy. I had to, I say I had to burn it to the ground. No.

God burned it to the ground for me. And then now it's time for me to rebuild.

God was kind enough, He was gracious enough to intervene, to step into my life and put a hand, knock over my idols. He stooped down, put his hand in front of them and said,

Let me knock these over flat. Let me show you who's God. These are not your God. I am your God. You know, some, I'm gonna pause here for a second and go off a little bit. And that is sometimes in the valley I'm in now, sometimes when things get tough, when your life gets adjusted, when we're in valleys, whether they're discipline valleys or life's hardship valleys.

Sometimes we pray for the Lord to get us out of it. Like, Lord, remove my pain. know, get me out of this tough spot that I'm in. And I found that God, when we think God's unanswering or God's delaying, it's because at least these two things, maybe more, but at least these two things, God is offering you two things. Redemption.

or he's asking for

repentance. He is after our hearts, not in easing our pain. So when leaving us in the pain, he is giving us the opportunity for something much better. He is, he loves us too much to give us what we want. I mean, like about a toddler asking for ice cream for every meal, right? We want it. It feels good. We like it. Lord, this is wonderful. ⁓

Yeah, we're not eating ice cream. And so sometimes with your tummy ache, like, Lord, remove this. Like, you know, how about we remove the problem from your life? How about remove that? And then these things will go away. So God lets us sit in our pain. We finally listen. Why does my stomach hurt? ⁓ now you're asking. you're asking. Let me tell you, let's talk about this ice cream. You're eating ice cream every day. It's not good for you, Todd. It's not good for you.

I'm still in my valley. I'm still in the mess that I created for myself. I'm still living in the wreckage of poor decisions to not put Christ first in my life. My income has been affected. My career may have been affected. My circles of influence have changed. My radar is so off right now. I only know one thing, and that is true north. It's the only thing I have to cling to.

It's the only thing worth cleaning to. I don't know which end is up right now, but I know who is up. I know that much.

If I am to love God, I want to love the things he loves, and that is the church. I am pouring back in the church. It's the same church that hurt me deeply. It's the same church system that does a poor job, that does a poor job with divorced men and women. But Christ loves the church.

and I love Christ. I need the church. I need fellowship. I have a really good friend named Wayne Stiles and he words it this way, the church as broken as it is, is God's plan A. There is no plan B.

I am falling in love again with God's word. I'm reading the harder and more frequently than ever. I am letting scripture, punch me in the face right now, letting it confront me, conform me, correct me. I am discovering it again. It's not a rule book that I check off. It's not full of stories I already know.

It's a story of redemption, but not just to salvation, but a redemption story for my daily walk. Does that make sense?

A Christian is not somebody who just says, said this prayer, I believe this thing, now I get to go to heaven. We are followers. We are told to abide. You can't bear fruit in your life unless you remain in me. That's what he says.

Now, not all of you listening are going to have the same view of Christianity, right? And what being a disciple is. So in order for me to keep going, we're going to have to talk a little bit about some distinctions between being an American Christian and being a disciple. Let's not assume. So let's split a few quick hairs. So many of us say we're Christian. It's because we grew up in a Christian culture.

The stats say the majority of Americans say they're Christian. I think it's because, well, I'm not a Muslim. I'm not an atheist. So yeah, I believe in a God and, you know, this Jesus guy's moral, I like his teachings. They talk about it every Easter Christmas when I drop by. But when you look at people who are disciples, the definition of a disciple is someone who follows Christ, which means at least three things.

That you want to be with him, that you want to become like him, so therefore you want to do what he does. Those three things at least. But let's just start with the first one, right? We can't swallow the whole elephant today.

What does it mean to be a believer? At least it means to be aware of and to be connected to the Holy Spirit. To be aware of and be connected to. Another way that scripture talks about this is to abide. That you have to abide in Christ. So let's just go to God's words for the analogies that Jesus gives for this very situation.

John 15.

I am the true vine and the father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit. While every branch that does bear fruit, he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me just as I remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself.

It must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Bearing fruit is not just being good, doing good. Abiding in Christ is a spiritual discipline that takes practice, silence, solitude, prayer, fasting, reading scripture, presenting yourself before God. Not what I've been doing. I had been busy creating the life.

I wanted for myself. Numbing, seeking things, avoiding others. I have been doing the opposite of abiding.

As disciples, we are asked to become like Jesus, sanctification, spiritual formation, not the prayer, but the daily following and pursuing of the things of Christ. Listen, you and I are all becoming something, something in the world you idolize, a status, a freedom, a feeling,

becoming Christ-like is what we should be seeking. It should be our goal. if I am going to be Christ-like, I have to be changed.

Inward transformation happens before good works, before the fruit, right? We need transformation. It takes practice. It takes community, hint, hint, the church.

Speaking of the fruits here that we're told to bear, John the Baptist, when he started his ministry, he used this phrase, I thought it's really, really cool, right? He told his audience, produce fruit consistent with repentance. What does that mean? Hold that thought. Then Jesus came along, John 15, 16, and he says, you did not choose me, but I chose you. And it pointed you that you might go and bear fruit.

fruit that will last. So let's think about this. Fruit is not moral righteousness. It's not good deeds. if you're a good Christian, you'll do good deeds. you don't duct tape fruit.

to a bad tree and then be surprised when the fruit rots. Fruit is internally born, then it is externally shown. It's not backwards. Good fruit doesn't make a tree good. A good tree makes good fruit.

Which is why Matthew 17, it says,

you will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes from thorn bushes? Are figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree can't bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit,

you will recognize them.

Now notice about this fruit, the fruit is not just not doing bad things, right?

it's not a negative. It's not non anger, non fornication. It's positive fruits that come out of a fruitful spirit, right? So Galatians five says, here are the fruits of the spirit, but the fruits of spirit are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control against such things.

There is no law.

So once again, by their fruit, Matthew 7, by their fruit, you will recognize them. Who? Disciples, disciples of Christ. Repentance produces external results. Keeping up with repentance. It's a not a one-time thing. It is a lifestyle of constantly turning back.

constantly coming back to the Savior, coming back to the church and never stopping. John wanted you to produce fruit consistent with repentance. It's not a prayer and see you in heaven. It's a life of realizing when we have it wrong, when things are tough, we turn back to the one who can change the things inside of us. We abide in him.

and him and us. It's a daily abiding. It's the daily taking up your cross. My tree was, is the problem. My fruit was worthless. My tree was dry and empty. It was bitter. My tree needed work so my fruit could be good.

John 15, again, if you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. This is to my father's glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. See, his follower, not just a believer. Heck, even the demons believe. Believing is not the trick here, people.

Believing is not the trick. Being a disciple, once again, is these three things we want to be with, we want to become like, and we want to do the things that he does. But baby steps, baby steps. So to be with is the awareness of and the connection to the Holy Spirit.

As I have seen my love growing cold, I must move back to the one thing worth loving and get around those who love him also.

I have not been with. I have spent my time and energy.

Being with what I want, what makes me feel good, what makes me feel safe, what makes me feel valued by the world.

All right, men, isolated Christian men, are you ready for this? Buckle up. In my attempt to turn and repent, I need to be around people, brothers in my life, men who know me and speak truth. Women, if you're still listening, have you met

A lone wolf? run. It is a sure fire sign of someone not walking in a healthy relationship with our Savior.

Men, I want to practice vulnerability. I want to stop pretending. I want to walk in arrow in the back of my head first and find someone who looks at my wound and says, me too, brother, me too. No more faking it out there. This is why dating apps are literally worthless. They lead with your wound buried behind all the shiny stuff.

They force us to put out the fun stuff front and center. In our desperation, we fall for it. We dish it out and we fall for it on the other side. to lead your new wife? You want to exert influence in your home, your work, your friend group, your family, your extended family? God doesn't want to put a good woman.

led by a lost man. Women, you still listening? Stop settling for a warm body and a close enough Christian man. Flawed? Okay. If he's humbled and if he's a true disciple and he can be humbly steered by God.

Let's dig further. We're either leading ourselves or others towards the Lord or away. That's it. If you think you do neither,

You're leading people away. This is all serious stuff. It really is. You do not want to take the wrath of God on this one. He warns us in the Bible about leading people astray. He calls it dangerous, wicked, wicked vipers.

Let's just be frank about this, right? Some of you, me included, we crawled out of our divorce tragedies. We survived. Some of us put in additional work. We looked inward. Things like our affair, our indifference, our drinking, anger issues, me first issues, and we addressed them head on. We found our big things. We laid them at the...

cross, we addressed the elephant in the room, the outward facing sins were identified, maybe addressed, and we claimed victory over them. And that's wonderful. The ones that ruined our marriages, we dealt with. But many of us are still enslaved by the small ones, the invisible ones.

the ones that drive our post-divorce actions when we're sometimes weak and not on our best game. How do we address these smaller sins? And by the way, I'm using the word small to a holy God, nothing small. But to us, they were small because we were dealing with the big ones and God's not done with us yet. He's got to deal with the ones that are rooted within us. The negatives ones that we started in these moments of weakness and the one that's Satan really

Deceived us by saying it's okay. It's okay. You're healing you deserve this this one feels good This one eases the pain Go ahead. Go ahead. Just a couple times, you know, we're not really like this. It's just we're in a lot of pain,

I am choosing to repent. Repentance means turning around, admitting that I've been walking the wrong way and coming back to my father's house like the prodigal son. Luke 15 says, but while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion and ran and embraced him and kissed him.

That's the God we're turning towards. Not a cold judge waiting to punish us, to leave us in our mess that we deserve, but a loving Father eager to restore. If you're a man listening to this, here is my plea to you. You may feel alone. You may feel abandoned. You may feel a lack of respect from this world. You may feel you are the controller of your new destiny.

the captain of your own ship. You are not, and you are not alone. God did not give up on you. He's the giver of good gifts. The world you created for yourself will not be as good as the one he creates for you. Give it to him. Repent and give it to him. You know the famous poem in Invictus we all know it.

It ends with, am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. It's a lie. You will wreck the ship and for God forbid there's anyone on this ship besides you. Why would God give you a passenger when your ship is headed towards rocks? Don't wait to get your house in order.

Then go back. Don't get clean so you can walk back into church again. Go broken. Go dirty. Leave the mask off. Go humbly. Go now. Come in broken and wrecked. Now you can wait till he forces you back like his hard-headed dumbasses have to do or

You can take heed to this warning. I don't recommend the hard way. It sucks. Don't wait till year seven to realize that you've been building your new life on sand. Don't numb away your pain. Don't chase the next woman, the next paycheck, the next distraction. Pick up your Bible, plant yourself in a local church, even if it's not perfect.

and ask God to break your pride and bring you to repentance. It's never too late to start over. It's never too late to come home.

It's never too late for God to rebuild what you tore down. And if you're wondering where to even begin, as I mentioned, we live in a new dangerous world of stupid dopamine hits, social media scrolling, death trap, wasting our days on entertainment numbing. Get off of it. Limit yourself. Dumb your phone down. It's possible to buy a dumb phone or turn your

Apple phone or whatever into a dumb phone. Remove the apps. I make my phone a different color where it's not even pleasing to read, where I don't even want to be on the thing. Get silent. Be okay with quiet. Can you hear God whisper? I promise you, you do not want to make God shout to get your attention. You don't. Listen.

to him when he whispers, which means you have got to be quiet and you've got to be in the word and you've got to be in fellowship with other Christians. Read, meditate, pray. Don't do it in bed. Don't do it when you're driving in the shower. Get faced down in your living room. Cry, cuss, be honest with God.

Admit your anger and your frustration. God can handle it. Meet wise Christian men, one-on-one, small groups, wider groups. I don't care if you're cooler than they are. Give up your pride. Go be with people who love the Lord and can echo his truths and wisdoms to you.

You don't have any friends like that? Pray for them. Find them.

One possible next step in the meantime, I, this is not a sales pitch, but I have a men's divorce workbook. have an online divorce recovery, recovery class. They're both cheap. This isn't, I'm not getting rich off this. Trust me. There are tools that I put in place for people just like you who need the baby step or out in an area in the world where they don't have access to these things.

They are tools that I created to help you get honest, to take an inventory of your post-divorce life, and to start rebuilding with Christ at the center. Whether you use either those or not, dive into scripture, show up at a men's Bible study this week. Do something today that moves you towards Him.

God spoke to me loudly this past week. He used some dear brothers in Christ, my female friend named Kelly, the teachings, which I stole half of this from Matt Chandler, Craig Cabanis, and John Mark Comer, and God's word. I am thankful that he showed me why my world has crashed in his grace.

He answered my cries. A quote I to read from Dallas Willard. The first and most basic thing we can and must do is keep God before our minds. This is the fundamental secret of caring for our souls. Our part in this practicing the presence of God is to direct and redirect our minds consistently to Him. Soon our minds will return to God.

as the needle of a compass constantly returns to the north. If God is the great longing of our souls, he will become the pole star of our inward beings. If you're tired, if you're chasing the wind, if you know deep down you're being disobedient, if you know you are not the leader, the influencer you need to be, pause your life.

Repent and let God love on you and work in you. Work on your vertical love and God will direct your horizontal love.

Let's end with this.

Proverbs 3, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to him and he will make your path straight.

own eyes. Fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the first fruits of all your crops. Then your barns will be filled and overflowing and your vats will brim over with new wine.

My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves. And as a father, the son he delights in. Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies. Nothing you desire can compare to her.

Long life is in her right hand, in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasing ways, and her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her. Those who hold her fast will be blessed. Until you are satisfied in Christ, you will never be satisfied. Brother

Your story is not over and neither is mine. Sisters, if you're still listening here at the end, Pray for your future husband, your brother, your friends, the single men at your church, and don't let an imposter in your world. Then you have to be in the shipwreck

while he's trying to captain his own ship. Blessings.