Dating After Divorce: Ghosted Again? Here’s What’s Really Going On

What if getting ghosted by someone else isn't actually a commentary on your worth, but a clear indicator of overall emotional unreadiness on either side?

Overview of divorce issues we are discussing: In this episode, we take a strategic look at digital communication patterns after divorce. We dive into the deeper psychological dynamics at play when connections vanish, helping you identify true alignment, spot red flags early, and accurately judge when someone is genuinely ready for a real, transparent relationship. We discuss why trauma shifts our focus from the future to immediate pain, and why finding a partner requires moving beyond the "fairy tale" myth.

Bullet Points:

• The Ghosting Illusion: Why disappearances are rarely a reflection of your worth.
• Recognizing False Starts: Understanding why healing is non-linear and why you might retreat from dating during the recovery process.
• Rejecting the Fairy Tale: Why looking for a frictionless connection will keep you from finding a real, grounded relationship.
• Honesty in Communication: Why it is your responsibility to be clear if you need to step away from a potential match.
• Hope Beyond the Match: How to find fulfillment and purpose regardless of your relationship status.

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Transcript

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Todd Turner (00:04.8)
If you've your toe into the dating world after your divorce, well, you probably already know it's not for the faint of heart. If you've been ghosted, you just know how brutal and confusing that can be. Well, today I want to give you a little perspective, maybe a little piece about why people ghost. I actually had a wonderful conversation the other day with somebody and it just opened my eyes. I connected some dots and some areas up. I figured it would be a little helpful.

So I'm doing an impromptu podcast episode about this. And here's why. Once you see this, I'm hoping you get a lens put on, what are they called? A paradigm shift of what you may be experiencing online. But here's how the conversation goes. First of all, let's just start with what I always say. Divorce is trauma. It is not just a sheet of paper. It's not your life just gets better once you sign it.

And whatever is the thing that caused you the problem, you're now away from that. And you just got to pick up the pieces and then carry on. Divorce is so much more complex. The ripple effects of divorce is so complex. It's a real trauma event or events in your life. Like I say, it's what caused the divorce. Then there's the divorce itself. And then there's the aftermath of the divorce.

There are going be trauma all along the way. But as Christians, we sometimes have this lens of just like, well, let's heal, let's move on. Let's just pour ourselves into church. And it's just not that simple, right? So let me stay on track here. So I was talking to somebody about trauma and they were saying that when you don't have trauma in your life, or maybe you've just not experienced the divorce trauma.

You see life through a telescope. Life is big, it's futuristic, it is endless. The possibilities are huge. You feel that way in your marriage, like, we're going to build a family, we're going to have a career, where are we going to retire? All the things. When you go through trauma, you turn from a telescope into a microscope. Things become small.

Todd Turner (02:28.94)
And it doesn't have to do with just divorce, right? You may have a wonderful life and then you get that call that you have cancer. You go from, where am I going on vacation next year? Let me think of all those choices to, can I afford this prescription? Did I even take that today? Just microscopic thinking because you were in the moment of some crisis and all you can see is the step right in front of you, if even that.

So the change of telescope to microscope. And I thought, wow, that is actually brilliant. That is exactly what happens in those moments. And since we're focusing on divorce, I'm going to stick with divorce right now. so let's say you give it six months. You give it a year or two. When you're healing, you're trying to get your legs and you think, am going to, I'm ready to meet somebody. And I think we all have false starts there, but.

Let's just say we don't, let's say we're all right when we're ready to date. And we think, well, I don't want to date somebody from my church. I don't want to make somebody from my gym. People I see all the time that way if it fails, I don't want to quit my gym and I don't want to quit my church. And I, well, I'm going to go online, right? That's the best place to meet people. That's what people say. There's different kinds of apps out there. You got to them all out. You know, we all try our different ones, the ones that we like.

but you meet someone and you're in a conversation and they just ghost you. Like the mind games that we all spend wondering, is it something I said? Is it something I did? Did they die in a car wreck? what? We were talking so well. Everything was going so wonderful. What happened to them? I've ghosted people. have my reasons. I've been ghosted probably more times than I can count. And

When I lay this on top of that ghosting phenomenon, here's what I see. There are moments in your healing where you switch from microscope to telescope, but it's not one day it flips. It's going to be back and forth. So there are times where I thought I'm ready to date and I get online and I swipe, I go, this person looks like they're pretty neat. I like their bio, I like their pictures. You swipe, you match.

Todd Turner (04:56.396)
You start talking and then something feels heavy. It just feels heavy. And you're like, I'm not, you don't say necessarily I'm not ready, but you're saying I'm not ready for that. Or that feels like too heavy of a lift. So sometimes you switch or they switch back to microscope. They went to telescope like, I'm ready to date. And then you get there and you're like, yeah, I forgot how hard this is. Or I forgot.

yeah, they're going to want me to drive all the way. thought I would drive to Burleson, Texas from here. This person seems great. And then you look up a day later like, what was I thinking? Like I can't drive to Burleson, Texas through traffic. That's crazy. Now this person looks high maintenance. Like they're going to require me to go to a big state dinner on the first date. And, no, they're just not for me. And you sort of back away. That was definitely a turn of perspective right there. But you get the point is sometimes you think you're ready.

You're optimistic and then something happens and it pushes you back into the safe mode, the microscopic mode, which may be healing. It may be habits. It may be a small world that you created. And so we all get optimistic sometimes. And sometimes we turn back into realist or pessimistic. Well, the person on the other end may be going through the exact same thing. So we may think they're a jerk or why do all these people ghost? And don't get me wrong.

There are some selfish, narcissistic people out there in the world, male and female. We've all experienced them, but I'm going to call them the 15%. Just the, the, the, they're on the edges. I think a lot of us just ghost because it just feels heavy and we're not as ready as we think. And when it comes, push comes to shove, it's just easier to walk away from that conversation than to have to explain some things. And some of may not.

Not everybody has the vocabulary to explain, man, I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. Or that just feels like a lot right now and I'm not ready for that. And so, you know, if it's you, maybe you think twice before you go online and you start swiping. I know I have failed plenty of times when it comes to thinking I'm ready to date and then realizing that I'm not. And I know I'm running into people who...

Todd Turner (07:22.638)
They want the attention. They want that special someone in their life. And then as soon as anything challenging comes up in the dating process, they abandon ship. They're just like, add that. And I don't know. I don't know if I like that thing. I don't know if I'm ready for that thing. I don't know if I want to put it in the work for that thing, but let's be honest. That's what relationships are. They're work. There's no fairy tale out there that allows you to just kiss your prince.

fall happily ever after and love, you know, happily in love forever after. That's not right.

There's no fairy tale out there that lets you fall in love for forever. It just doesn't exist without real work. know, Disney screwed us up with hunting. It's not realistic. And it screwed us up with how love works. It's just, no one falls in love. Movies did it too. No one falls in love after just meeting each other, right? You don't hop on a bus that's going out of control, meet somebody, then you fall in love happily ever after. Like, it doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work where you meet somebody you kiss and you just, everything works perfectly. Like there's heavy lifting to do. And I think some of us, when we come in, we're coming out of our, healing journeys after divorce, we get overly optimistic. We take our telescope approach and then we retreat. It happens. And so let's give grace to others. And let's also think through before we put somebody else through that. So if any of this resonates with you, this is why I created.

my divorce podcast module. This is the stuff you're not going to find in your churches because I blend real world in with the theological view of healing from divorce. And so you can go to ToddTurner.com, take a look. It's dirt cheap and there's a lot of good resources. And if you purchase the course, you actually get my book, my workbook for women or my workbook for men. You pick which one that you want. And so anyway, just thought I would.

Todd Turner (09:23.342)
Throw this out there today, it really applies in a lot of areas. Telescope into microscope and how we flip back and forth until we finally heal, which I hope stays us in a telescopic view for rest of our life. that we're not gonna go through other stuff again, but it's just nice to think big. That's where hope is, that's where positivity is. That when you come out of trauma, you can regain the lens that you had.

The world is a great, wonderful place. Yes, it's broken. Yes, it's tough. Our world is not here yet. It's in heaven, but there are great opportunities that Lord has for you, for you to serve, for you to be in his kingdom and do kingdom work. So even if you haven't found your mate yet, life is still pretty good. All right, check you on those side. Bye.