Why You Should Pause Dating After Divorce

Rushing immediately back into the dating field often works to conceal underlying wounds rather than heal them.

Overview of Divorce Issues: In this episode, we talk through the strategic necessity of hitting the pause button after a divorce. Many people rush into dating to distract themselves from the pain of separation, but this often leads to repeating toxic cycles. We discuss how to separate your evolving identity from your past pain and why your focus should be entirely on your own recovery and foundation before considering any new romantic interests.

Bullet Points:

• Foundation First: Why your nervous system and sleep must be your priority before any other healing step.
• Rewiring Negative Thought Patterns: Moving past the cycle of negative thinking by filling your mind with truth.
• The Dangers of 'Busy': Understanding why filling your schedule is often just numbing your pain.
• Discerning Dating Readiness: How to know when you are finally ready to ask character-revealing questions.
• Finding Your 'New You': Embracing the tempering process of divorce to become a stronger, more resilient version of yourself.

Carrie Korem (Vitt)
@carrievitt
Deliciouslyorganic.net

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Transcript

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How do you find yourself? And what does that really even mean when your world comes crashing down after the divorce? What a great time to rebuild. Carrie, I'm gonna tell you, I would have never worked on myself if it wasn't for my world. Come crashing down through a horrible end of a marriage and a divorce. I just wouldn't have done it. What about you? I think I've been the type that's always been trying to better myself, but I think I was focused on the wrong things when I. Yeah. Get into that for me. I know. I know. We want to talk about things in general, but be specific. Like what. What did you work on? And what would have you worked on had you not had the blind spot that maybe a marriage gives you by being comfortable in your marriage or uncomfortable in your marriage if you're working on different things? Right. Yeah. I mean, I shared on a past episode, I think on, like, episode zero, that one of the lies that I believed was that I needed to not be Carrie. I needed to be someone else. I needed to be who my ex was wanting me to be. And if I did, then he would love me. Then it would get better. And that was a lie that I believed for a very, very long time. So I was focused on that kind of stuff instead of, well, no, what does the Lord want me to be? Who does the Lord want me to be? Right. And so then when I got out of that situation, I really dove in to that of, like, who is Carrie? Who did God create Carrie to be? And you know what? Who he created me to be is actually pretty awesome. Yeah. You know? Oh, I love this. Okay, let's. Let me get into a nuance of what you just said. When you're in a marriage, you're dead to self, and you're. You're a part of a marriage. Like it's a new creation. Sure. Yeah. So you are. That is your priority, is what's best for the marriage. But I'd also say a healthy you means you're a healthy partner. And so I didn't work. I was working on being a good husband and a good father. I was ignoring what. What does a good me look like? Because I thought sacrificing was the answer. It wasn't until I lost those things that I look inward and realize, oh, no, I got a lot of work to do. Which is why I say I would have never done it, because I didn't know there was a problem. Yeah. You look in the mirror, you think, oh, I wish I was better at X Y and Z. But most people don't hit reset, the reset button until they are forced to. Yeah. And I think there was a line in Gary, one of Gary Thomas's books or something like that, and he said that especially in the church, we idolize marriage over the health and wellness of the individuals. And I remember when I read that, it was like a huge lie, but, like, fireworks went off and I'm like, oh, my gosh, like, that's so true. That's been happening. And I need to make sure that, like, I'm the healthiest and best Carrie showing up, because then that's what's gonna make the best marriage. Although, you know, with my story, that wouldn't have really probably helped. But it's a great concept. It's a great concept. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with that. Matter of fact, I tell people this all the time. When you do the analysis, right, they say a tree is best measured fallen. And so when marriages crumble, it's a great time to look backwards. Why did that fall? Why did it die? And as you're measuring, I used to count it as a feather in my cap. That, wow. I was at every one of my kids practices, went to all their games. You know, I'm super dad. I'm a nice guy. You know, I don't blow up with my kids. You know, all the things you we always look at are good stuff. Right? And I realized that I failed with myself. I wasn't role modeling healthy individual behavior for them to see. It's okay if dad doesn't go to all my games. It's okay. Where I thought, oh, that made me the better dad. Now I realize, no, that was a mistake then it's okay. Look at your kids. Hey, hey. You're kicking a ball around a field. Your dad's going to work out. Your dad's going to go take a mental health. Your dad is going to go, we have a friend in need. I'm going to that friend's house to work on that relationship and friendship, and I'm going to miss your fourth grade basketball game. Who cares? And for parents like, oh, well, I'm just a great parent. I'm, I'm challenged. I challenge you. It was one of the things I really failed at, is, are you the healthiest version of, are your finances out of order? Is your health out of order? Is your spiritual health out of order? Like, you start taking inventory if the answer is yes to any of them, which it is, it always is. There's always something. There's always something sure. Then start now. If you're, if you're, if you're married, start in your marriage. Yeah. And now most of. Most all our listeners will be divorced people. Right. Well, before you jump in that next relationship, this time of singleness is the best time for a reset. And I think everybody needs a good, healthy amount of time being single before to really work on yourself. And that's not a couple of months. That's like a substantial amount of time. It's years. Yeah, I took five and a half. Okay, well, I'm at six and a half and I'm still doing it. I'm still doing okay for, for. We use you for your brain and your wisdom and all the things, but the reality is we haven't really talked a lot about your career, but I think your career and this topic are so intertwined. So just for our audience sake, let's set the table, talk a little bit about what you do and why you do what you do, and then we're going to blend it into this conversation, I'm assuming mostly for our women listeners. But that doesn't mean our men are going to benefit. I work with men, too. Yeah. Okay. Men could totally benefit. Thank you. Okay, so just, I'm going to be quiet and talk a little bit, throw a little commercial in here of what you do, why you do it, how you got there, like, here's a bio. Go. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm a functional nutritionist. I'm also a food and health writer. So the way it all kind of came about was that I got really, really sick. And the doctors were like, we don't really know. We can't help you. There's nothing we can do here. So I turned to changing my lifestyle, changing my food, whole food supplements, all that type of stuff to get healthy. And I was able to reverse chronic migraines and get off of all my medications, iB's, eczema, thyroid, autoimmunity. I mean, I had quite a few things going, and so now I have two published cookbooks and things like that. So started myself about 16 years ago, started my business about 16 years ago, and it's continued to grow and develop. And now I work a few days a week at my practice seeing clients and my specialty. My niche is like thyroid disease, autoimmunity, hormone balance. But I work with men and women and just helping them. It's not just food, it's all the lifestyle things. It's really digging in. Like, what are the root causes? It can be detox, it can be supplementation. All sorts of different things. Because getting healthy, you have to look at it from all angles. It's a holistic. Okay, that's what I was just gonna ask you. So for people who are listening, like, oh, well, you're really into health. No, health is mind. Mind is body. It's all connected. All of it connected. And when you add stress and trauma, which is what most of our listeners have gone through and. Or are going through, it's like. It's like, well, let me start dating. It's like. Well, no, like, even if you're just. Besides kids, house, finances, all the things happened in a divorce that the body keeps score. Right? The famous book. Right. And if you don't reset correctly, you can't even begin to reset correctly past that. Right. So I'm assuming you get crisis phone calls is what starts somebody coming in. Right. We'll just don't come in for the heck of it. It's only a problem. No, yeah. I mean, pretty much every single client that's ever walked through my door at their first appointment, they've told me, I've gone to everybody. I've tried everything, and you're my last resort. And so I think that because of all that I've been through, it gives me more insight into helping them. Yeah, there's the food and stuff like that, but really kind of honing in and getting to know them over time and then honing in on what I'm kind of seeing as some of their other root things. And of course, I don't play the role as, like, a counselor or therapist, so. Although a lot of them tell me they're like. It's like therapy coming to see you, which is sweet, but of course I'm just going to, like, give them some things, like, hey, maybe this could be an issue, or this. And, hey, why don't you go talk to a therapist about that? Why don't you go see a counselor? You know, stuff like that. Interesting. Okay. Okay, so, yeah, so now we have our bearings. You have a lens on when you're speaking here. So tell me, like, let's say we have a. A new divorcee and you're sitting right here, and let's say they're just listening. Like, okay, what should I do? You know, forget the fact that they have to work two jobs to survive. Forget the survival stuff. But there are priorities, right? Not everybody has an equal playing field here. Nope. Some people have great alimony and they're fine. And some people have financial stress. Sure. And family stress and kids and parenting. All of it, right? Yes. But let's just pretend all things are equal. Okay. For a moment, what would you say to somebody? It's like, okay, I've got my body stress, the divorce. What should I be working on? If you're telling me to reset what's first? What's a great course of action? I mean, I am coming up from very much a health perspective. Right. But I think first, like, are you sleeping? If you're not sleeping, like, start taking steps so that you can sleep better. Cause like foundationally, if you're not sleeping, your whole world is just not gonna go well. Which means get off your phone. Get off your phone. Make sure that, like at the end of the day, like don't go to bed at one Amazon, get in bed at nine or ten. And if you're not tired, then do something to get tired where you hit the bed to crash. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I ask you real quick on that? Let's dig in for a second. Do you have a sleep routine? Yeah. Okay. See that's to me. Totally. I have my lights in the house. All go off at a certain time. Like it's a reminder. Hey, not sure why you're up. Smart, but in hint, if I have to say something, turn it back on. Which makes me think, yeah, you know. Know what? Maybe I need to go into bed. Yeah. Two, I try not to play on my phone at night. Yeah, but I'm learning to keep it on the other side of the room. I lived. I lived in a job where crisis management. Where I always had to keep my phone. And plus I worked at an international job, so Australia can email you middle of the night. Right, exactly. But I did an audit and I realized I don't really have that many emergencies anymore. So that little false need to stay attentive to the world, I had to just remind myself, yeah, it's been

three years since anybody's ever text me past 10: 11:39

00 p.m. Or before

09: 11:43

00 a.m.. I, so false flag to say. Yeah, I know a lot of us are parents. Well, just in case, my kids. Well, I've sleep with an apple Watch and I have it on do not disturb to the world except for my kids. Yeah, you can make that setting on your phone, right? Or everybody but them and then turn it up to eleven and then if it rings on those side of the room, you got it. Right? Yeah. And I think too, coming out of a divorce, you have to realize that your nervous system is probably dysregulated, right? Now, you know, so taking a look at a lot of people will be like, but I'm not stressed. I feel great. You know, I would say, how's your sleep? Are you sleeping? How's your digestion? Is all that going well? Do you have any issues there? If you do, you probably have. Your nervous system is off. Are you getting headaches? Your nervous system is probably off. Like, there's basic things. Are you getting anxiety, panic attacks, things. Like that, which is food, gut health related sometimes, yeah. But it really goes back to your nervous system. Nervous system. So taking steps and just doing basic things. I can walk through a few basics. Okay, do these are practical, you know, like get up and eat within an hour of waking up. Okay. You know, some men do great on intermittent fasting, but when your nervous system is dysregulated, when your hormones are out of balance, whatever, go ahead and eat. I've even seen this with men, it helps. But women. You're saying for sure. For sure, yes. Women in intermittent fasting is not as romantic as it sounds. Yeah, exactly. That's just true. Right? Data says that, yeah. So eat within hours of waking, eat three meals a day, get outside every day, have friends in your life that you, like, regularly spend time with. Socialize. Socialize. Laugh. You know, you can still laugh in the midst of overcoming a lot of trauma. A lot of stuff, you know, even slapstick, whatever. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And move your body. It doesn't need to be at the beginning. You're going to the gym, and you're lifting for an hour. It can literally be just get outside and go on a walk for 20 minutes a day. That is a wonderful way to balance your nervous system. And then, yeah, have, like, a regular sleep routine. And don't spend, like, a ton of time on electronics. Another thing I'll say is just be careful how much information you're taking in. You know, we do need time where our brain can just chill and be quiet. That's what I call meditation time. I know people. Some christians hear the word meditation, they freak out. It's in the Bible. Yeah. Literally sitting. I have a room upstairs. Remember, we are upstairs, right next to us. I have a room, and it's a little pad in the middle of a room. Yeah. And just shut the door. Yeah, just sit. Yeah. You can pray, you can think. You can do nothing, but just do not. Or manifest the day, whatever. But we live in a world where a tv is always on your phone. You just slide. There's no way our brains were ever built for that. Overload of information, even if it makes you happy and emotional and, you know, you're a voyeur. A voyeur to what? A voyeur. Look outside. Be a voyeur to nature. Yeah. Yeah. And I will say, like, for me, at the beginning, I went on a lot of walks. I would get up every morning, like 6630. I would literally just roll out of bed, put on tennis shoes and go walking about three and a half miles. I had this wonderful path I went on. It was great. But I found at the beginning, I was like, I can't just go. And like, I wanted it to be a time to pray. I couldn't because all of this negative everything was just flooding my brain. And so I realized, like, oh, I basically need to rewire my brain. That's what needs to happen. And so for me, for about a year, I listened to sermons every morning. Put it. I put that. Yeah. In with a good out with a negative. Yes. And also. So I started doing that just to start filling my brain with the truth. And then I even found that if during the day, my brain started going down that negative path, I would turn on another sermon. Christian music or uplifting music or relaxing music. At that time, it didn't do it for me. I needed words. I needed truth being poured into me. And then I eventually got to a point where I was more healed and I could go on, like, now I go on walks and it's just me. I go on walk. I just go on a walk and it's quiet or I'll pray or just think about things, whatever. But if you are in that kind of state right now where you're like, all the thoughts are just so hard and heavy, then, like, start bringing in things to rewire. Agreed. I actually did the same. I would also say I would listen to books on tape or the Bible on the. Just hear something to make my brain think on and stay on versus the randomness. And so even though it's probably wise to make it biblical in sermon, even if it's any, if you like guarding, read up, listen to a podcast on guarding, just stay there. And I created routines. I would, I do want to say something for the people listening. Some people, when they get divorced, right, they go lose 40, 50 pounds and they hit the gym and whatever. I think their motivations may be a little off, but some people can do that. I had no energy. I was exhausted. It took me, you said one year, it took me years to have energy to work out. Well, I wasn't talking about energy to work out. I was talking about just my brain or. Yeah, well, the brain was desire idea. I was exhausted, and the thought of working out made me tired. The thought of it. So I walked. That was it. That's about all I could do, was walk. And if that's what you gotta do, go do it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, as far as physically, like, I was in a spot. I mean, especially the last few years of being married, I would get in bed at

like, five or 06: 17:42

00 p.m. I couldn't. I couldn't. Five third is my record. Yeah. I couldn't, like, function after that, you know? But then it got better, and it got better and better, and now I can. I have a really great sleep routine, but I also can stay up, you know what I mean? And now I have the energy. Like, I lift weights several times a week, and, you know, I can do all those things again. So just, I think, give yourself some grace. And then also just pick, like, one or two little things to focus on, to work on. Don't be like, oh, my gosh, my. Whole, I gotta fix my life. No. Yeah, you don't. You can't. It'll paralyze. Yeah. So just go really, really slow. Okay. Can I get nuance? Before I forget, when we're talking about gut health. Probiotics. Everybody take probiotics. I mean, they're great, but you can just get them in your food. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. That was one of the things I started doing. Then I started vitamins, and then one day my sister was like, we were laughing because you go to the doctor and the doctor's like, hey, you know, I see on your chart, I put you on z class year. How's that going? I'm like, I don't know. I'm taller. Like, what? What was Zeke supposed to do for me? And so all these little things you take, sometimes I look at them, I'm like, when I take them, I don't feel different. And when I don't take them, I don't feel different. So why am I spending $200 a month on all this stuff? Well, that's also why you need, like, a nutritionist, somebody who's trained in nutrition, to do that for you. It really is, in the long term, better than just trying to kind of. Throw together and feeling it and charting it. Yeah. I mean, you're going to end up, maybe in my office. And blood work tells a lot. A professional and with data. Yeah. Have somebody that's trained. Yeah, yeah. Don't just go to, like, vitamin shop and grab a bunch of stuff. Usually it's just a waste of time and money. Okay, well, that's great. Practical help. Okay? Sleep, movement, sunshine, socialization. These are all wonderful things. So let's talk about, like, some more categories about this. Well, I want, I think you're gonna, your experience is gonna pepper the whole conversation. So I wanna move a little past just health. But I know you're a pseudo therapist, as you said, but when people come in, there's spiritual health, there's financial health, there's a lot of things to fix. And to your point, you can't fix everything at once. But I think one of the problems that many people have is their marriage broke, their, their number one relationship in their life broke. And they say, oh, in order to fix that, let me go get a new one. And that's how you fix it. You fix a broken relationship with a new relationship. And what we're saying is you have a heck of an opportunity to make sure your next one is better than your first one. And you're not just out here looking for somebody without that person's problems. Right? And you know what? If you don't ever find anybody ever again, but at least you have become, like, the best version of you, right? And life's gonna be a lot, a lot better. A lot better and usable by the Lord, which is literally what we're put here for. Exactly like. Right, exactly. Worship and service. Like, this is what we're supposed to do. And Paul in the Bible literally says this. Like, this is the one thing that I don't have my head around. The Bible on the Old Testament, Adam is, well, it's not good for man to be alone. Then Paul's like, you know what? When you're not alone, think about how much you're going to serve the Lord, which is a true statement. So I'm like, well, both are true, but they sort of do conflict a little bit. They just do. Yeah. I haven't studied enough to really comment on all of that, but I agree, it feels a little weird. Yeah, feels a little weird. But. But I agree. When you're alone, sometimes you really are craving that companionship. But at the same time, once you learn who you are, how you are wired, and what your calling is, I feel like you need to let somebody less and less because you're just like, you wake up, you're in your zone, and your life is better, your lenses are clear, you're happier. I wonder if that's different for men versus women, though. Okay? Because you're wiring for what you're here, you're wired for. This is why this is a slippery slope conversation. Because I also would say your time, your time of your divorce is everything. If you're divorced in your twenties, I fully expect you to go get remarried, even if it's the wrong guy, just because it's easier for two people to grow a family together or whatever. I don't mean that the wrong guy, but you know what I mean. I don't even a warm body that you love each other and go get remarried is different than when you're an empty nester. Your past child rearing, your past creating and nurturing a family. Now, what do you do with your life? Like, where's. Where's those. Where does that energy go and live? You will go see hobbies and travel. Right. Or businesses. Right. Which is what you see people pour themselves into. And then an awful lot goes to vanity. Yeah. Vanity activities, which means I go out a lot. I go do things that are fun. I spend a lot of money on my body and my face and my hair and whatever for whatever. It's a complicated, slippery slope when you don't have a healthy view of who you are and why you're here. Yeah. You make poor decisions. Is that a nice way to say. That you can make poor decisions? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that having good community around you, like a good, you know, one or two friends, at least, that can call you out. Right. Yeah. Hold you accountable here. Yeah. Like, what are you doing with your time? Or if they see you kind of, like, going down that road of vanity, being like, hey, come on. Come on back. Yeah. You know, what's that all about? Or how about you and I do something Saturday? That's not what you were gonna do Saturday. Exactly. Fair enough. Okay. So you said it took you quite some time. Why? Why, like, is divorce that hard and complicated? That it just takes a while for dust to settle and for you people to be mentally ready? Like, this is what part of this podcast is about. I'm trying to tell people, here are your milestones. Here's a nice way to navigate them or think about them to protect you, because I've made enough of the mistakes for you. Yeah. I mean, I think everybody's coming from a different place. So some people, it might be a year or two to kind of feel like they've gotten back to themselves again. They have taken time to do counseling and, you know, get healthier, and then other people like me, it just takes a lot longer because of the things you had to go through or maybe the length of the time, or maybe, like, the lies you believed and, you know, different things like that. So I think that it just. It looks different for everyone, but I think definitely taking the time is so important. Yeah, I agree. I'm gonna. I'm gonna embarrass myself. I don't know another way to say it. I think. I think it's embarrassing. And, you know, let's say you bat 900, you still struck out 100, you know, or 100, you know, 1%, 10% of the time. But here's. Here's what happened to me. I met someone who was semi recent divorce. I used to have a rule, at least a year, maybe two, but I did not date anybody that hadn't put in the work, whatever that means. Like we've said, that's a blanket state. It looks different for everybody. But her kids were having a little bit of issues with the divorce. Imagine that. Sure. Of course they were. And I would say I felt like she was a really great person to lean into, like, but I just thought, I don't want to be the guy who takes you away from the work your kids need, like you have. Basically, it was a little bit arrogant. I mean, to say you haven't put in enough work, and I'm not gonna be in the way. And I just sort of broke relationship off. Like, I just did, though. I thought she was a great perk, a great person, and she got a little mad. She goes, like, you know, who are you telling me I need to put in work? And I go, well, I don't know, but I'm just here to say you haven't. Well, I looked up three, six months later, she met somebody. She got married within a year, and they seemed to be living halfway after. Right now, I don't know the nuances. For all I know, her kids are a train wreck, right? I don't know. But I did say I missed it. Like, I feel like at this point, I missed it on her. Like, okay, who am I to tell somebody to put in more work? But at the same time, I don't know. Like what? Like, do you have a hard and fast rule when you date people? I mean, I think that they need to have been divorced for at least a year, you know, and then there's just questions. You just come in with curiosity, like, tell me what it was like. Because some people, too, like, I don't know. Were they separated for five years? I don't know. You know, I mean, there's just everybody is coming from a completely different place. So, you know, and then just asking, getting to know them and coming in with a lot of curiosity and asking a lot of questions. A lot of questions. And then just observing. Yeah. And that. Then, you know, with enough time, it gives you enough time to figure out, you know. Yeah, I've had some, a girl told me recently, she talked to a guy. He's like, yeah, everything's good. Well, tell me about your kids. I don't know. Don't talk to my daughter. We don't have a strange relationship. I'm like, that's a problem. Like, why aren't you spending all your effort and admitting it? The blame may have landed. It is what it is. There's nothing to do about it. Good questions you have to ask. Just, you know, tell me about that. What's going on? How did you get there? You know, just come out of lots of different angles. When you're not in a hurry to get in a new relationship, you have clear eyes and you have to have a clear mind. And that's the reset we're talking about. It's this giant. To me, the reset, my personal reset, was not going back to how I felt. Single again. Like, I was my twenties when I was single. So what am I going back to? Like, that I don't want to be that kid again. Yeah. With those naive thoughts and ideas. Right. So that wasn't really where I was trying to go, but. And then you spend all your time on your marriage. My thing was like, I don't even know fully what my hobbies are. Like, what do I like to do? What? What do I want to do? Am I the man I want to be to even do those things? Like, I don't know. Like, let's say, oh, I love you on, you know, I love to run a marathon. Can you even run? Well, you might want to start there. Like, I didn't even know where to spend my time and energy, and that took me a while. But before I even got to that, back to the walking issue is I created a life to rest. Meaning I paid somebody to mow my yard. You think I'm cape. I'm a grown man. I can mow my yard. But I made that decision. That that was a stress point in my life. Yeah. Didn't want it. I rented a house, sold a house that I own so that if I'll. I mean, I'll change a light bulb. That's about it. If the garbage disposal goes, I just pick the phone, I don't even get down there with a wrench. Not my problem. Right, right. Just created a world where I could breathe and rest to get enough of a clear mind to then move on to the next. Next stage. But that. That's quite a while. That doesn't happen overnight. No. No. And you're never gonna, like, evolve into, like, the ultimate whatever, so it's always a work in progress. Oh, no, it's 100%. Okay. So let's talk about that for a second. What is a finish line? When you talk about, you know, finding a new identity and discovering you and getting healthy, I mean, there's no finish line to healthy. I think I'm still on that road. Yeah. I mean, I am, like, a completely different person than I was, like, seven years ago, but, like, I'm still on the road of healing, and I still go to therapy, and I still am working on myself. And I think that, as believers, we always should be right, because we're wanting to be more and more like Jesus. So I feel like there isn't an end. There's never an end of sanctification. I think there's a word I like to use. Healed enough to do what? To get in the next relationship. Oh, okay. To get in the next kill enough. Sure. Because to your point, I think you and I agree on this. People act like, oh, I'm over my divorce. I sort of look at, like, I'll never be over mine till I die. Like, I'll never be over it. But semantics. What does that mean? To be over it? Yeah, I have scars, right? The wounds are gone. Yeah. I feel like I'm not bleeding out anymore. Yeah, I was bleeding out, like, big time, but I'm not anymore. That's right. To me, that's where you're healed enough. Yeah, sure. You're healed enough. And you. How, you know, you talk to people. Are they always bashing their ex? Are they. The wounds come. Do they cry easily? I know different personalities cry easier than others, but I cry easy. You're an easy cry. That's fine. But to my point, I'm an easy cryer, too. You are. Don't let me see a fresh prince episode. There's a fresh prince. Every time they're show me a kid in the hospital, I cry like a baby. Like a baby. Okay. Um. Yeah. They healed enough to say I maybe. May have been in pain, and maybe it's a tragedy, and let's call it what it is, but it. But I'm in a healthy place financially, spiritually, and to your point. How do you know those things? Well, they show up. They show up in your gut, your sleep. Yeah. I mean, with health stuff, you have those kind of parameters. But then even, like, day to day, like, am I snipping at people? Am I patient? Am I easily led to anger? I mean, those are. Those, to me, when those happen, are red flags that your mind or spirit or whatever is waving to say, hey. You'Re not in sync. There's an issue here, you know, and for me personally, when stuff like that comes up, I have gotten into a habit of stepping back and going, okay, why did I react that way? What was going on? Does it go back to something I'm still upset about? Like trigger, a healthy trigger, a bad. Right, right. And like, okay, pray over that. What can I do to change that? Because I don't want to be like that. That's ick, you know, and that's not how the Lord wants me to be. So I think there's a lot of, like, red flags in yourself that you can see whether it's. You're not sleeping, your body's waving red flag. If you're easily led to anger, red flag. Right. And if, you know, you're having to wear a mask in public, meaning you're one way in public. Now, a lot of people are this way. You're one way in public. And then at home, you know. Yeah, that's a red flag. Like, man, I'm on edge around here, but. Oh, yeah, I know how to sell a car, and I'm fine. Yeah. Well, if you live a double life, that's a red flag. Yeah. Yeah, I think. Totally. Yeah. So those are ways that you can kind of gauge at how you're. How you're doing and if you're ready to invite somebody else into your life. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about that for a second. I know with a health lens, I don't want to paint you in a corner on here, but I'm assuming with the health lens, there's a point where a client would no longer be a client, meaning. Yeah, that's the goal. Not trying to create lifetime clients, or I would not be doing a good job. Like, chiropractors sort of do that. Right. This is gonna be an eight month treasure plan. It's like, how about two? Just come here twice at least. Yeah, but, like, your nervous system, like, when it's out of balance, that's gonna cause your spine to be out of balance. So that's a constant is a constant thing. Right. It's not something. You just go to a chiropractor, like, five times and it's just done. That is more of a treatment plan. It is, if you will. It's kind of like eating healthy food. Is a treatment plan. Yeah. It's the same type of thing. So. So what is, like, when do you. I may be asking the wrong question because you do so much. I don't know which one in the nuance into. But when. What are telltale signs that you are in a good spot? Like, for, like, healthy? Why? Like, is it blood numbers? Is it. People come in with the glow and they're like, okay, I really feel great. Or I now, because I feel great now it's manifesting in this way, like, I'm doing. I'm entering that five k next month or whatever. And you can see if you're like, when you walked in here, you walked slow and grunted when you sat down. Here we are two years later, and you're running a five k, and you're smiling. Right. I mean, for me, when I'm working with a client, it just depends on their goals. Like, I had one lady that she'd been working for me for about a year. She had autoimmune disease, and she was like, I never knew I could feel this good. I never knew. And she goes, even if my autoimmune disease never goes into remission. Cause it can go into remission. She's like, even if it doesn't, she goes, I don't care. Cause I feel amazing. No way. So it depends on the person. And then I think that, like, if we're not talking about health like that, we're talking about emotional health, spiritual health, things like that. I think just take a gauge of, like, well, how, you know, how am I feeling? You know, are things going well? If they are, then that's, you know. A good sign that makes total sense. Okay. I frequently. I mean, obviously, this is a christian lens on the topic of divorce, but I do draw a line between Christianity and church culture because they're not always the same thing. Even though we sell church as this is what a Christian does, I challenge that. Right. Because this is an american church model, is not the same model. We had nax. They didn't have a church with pews and the pastor and a worship team. Like, it's all made up based on a desire to get it right, but doesn't mean it's right. Travel the world right now, and people worship so many different ways. They do church so many different ways. If the Bible wanted, there to be a standard, it would have given us one. It's right. So here's my argument. When it comes to church and when it comes to healing, I believe the church way more often than not. How's that for semantic wording? Way more often than not, invites the divorcee to come do church. And that's what's gonna affect you. Meaning we'll just go to your small group, serve, just go help on Wednesdays. And I frequently encourage people who have just gone through a divorce. I'm not saying if church doesn't. It keeps you to your point, if it keeps you busy, keeps your mind going, I'm all for that. But I actually encourage people to sort of take a break from your church if your church is demanding or stressful or whatever, because I church isn't necessarily healing for your trauma, and it's not necessarily a good walk with the Lord. I'm down with that. Learning scripture, which is the word of God, who's showing you about his characteristics as his redemption plan. I'm down with that. Working in your women's ministry for the conference they have next month about whatever topic it is. Yeah, I mean, it might just be a time to pull back. And that is okay. That is okay to take a time where you are like, you know what? I have a lot of things I need to heal from, and I can't really be in a place where I'm going to church. And I am physically serving right now because I need to take in the scripture. I need to, like, walk through some things right now. You know what I mean? I totally agree. And don't feel guilty when your pastor, who knows nothing but the church world that gets paid to grow that church through, they use the word his vision, but I'm going to use the word. That's all he knows is getting people sit in those pews on those days. And that's all. Don't get me started. This is my pet peeve. Don't even give it to me. Yeah, we shouldn't go down that road. We shouldn't go down that road because. It'S not turn around or get off on a exit. It's not healthy. It's not healthy for me to talk about these things. But my point is, don't feel guilty when it's like you disappeared. Because I think a lot of pastors think, oh, that divorcee, they're just, you know, whatever there are, they're the ones who caused the marriage problem. They just fell away. And I think it's because the church isn't always the best place to heal and work. It can be. I think it depends on where you are. Yeah. The church community that you have, you know, so. But I do think it's important to at least be in really close contact with at least a couple of believers. Right. That are strong believers, strong friends who can speak truth. Yeah. You don't need to just, you know, dive into a hole. That's not a good idea at all. T totally agree with that. I just. I want to give people permission because I think people aren't as good at separating their pastor and God. Your pastor's not God. That you can get guilted into church. Church is your answer. That's where people love you. You need to come to church. Like, that's where your friends are. None of those are paid counselors. None of those are experts. None of them. There's, you know, like, hey, I'm dealing with this problem. Well, proverbs 1610. What? What does proverbs 1610 have to do with my thing? And I think people who haven't been through the trauma of divorce and my pastor doesn't know what you know about gut health, brain health, nervous systems. So when he throws me, I just go to that. Thessalonians on Wednesday night. We're going through thessalonians. You should be there. I'm sorry, but that's not what people have been through. Trauma, need. It's just not. I could be saying it could. It could be. You're being nicer than I am. I. You're right. You are right that it could be. I'm telling you so. Mostly not. Okay. I guess just be open minded, you know? And I think if it's more about church than reading the scriptures and having a personal relationship with the Lord, then, like, steer towards reading the scriptures and having a personal relationship with Jesus. Right. I want to give people permission to. That's okay. I'm not telling you to go do it. I'm not telling. All churches suck. I'm saying churches are not in the business. Well, they would. Boy, I may get letters for this. Churches aren't in the business of trauma. Help. Jesus is in the business of it, but churches aren't. They're not trauma experts. The word trauma almost never comes up in church. The word trauma. But we live in a world with trauma, and there's trauma health effects and life effects, and I get tired of using the analogy, but if you have a car wreck and you limp into church and they're like, hey, how you doing? You want to come work in Iwanas, you're like, I just had a wreck. Why would you ask me to do that? And then the pastor gets up there and preaches about how there's not supposed to be any wrecks in this life. I've been in a wreck. That's a great analogy. Yeah. I've been in a real. And so if you've been in divorce wreck, you going to first Thessalonians on a Thursday night. That's not what I need right now. And I'm here to encourage people to work on themselves. Church isn't always the answer. Jesus always is the answer. And really reset your life. It's your opportunity. Even if your post divorce life may be harder than your. Than your marriage life, which means now you're financial problems and you lost all your friends and all the things that happen post divorce, even in that crisis mode, you need your health, you need your mind. You need a strong walk with the Lord. You got work to do. Why would you go start dating somebody, which is where a lot of people go right off the bat. And that's where I think that if you are getting into the dating world or you've been divorced, you've done the work, then I think it's very smart to be discerning when you meet other people, to ask for really good questions so that you can discern where they're coming from and that you don't get entangled in something that you maybe shouldn't get entangled. That's right. And don't let your end. And you make better decisions when you're not working on feelings and wants, you're working on logic, clarity. You have some spiritual discernment, like red flag. Like, oh, I can see that red flag way easier, because I have clear eyes. Sure. And you. And you walk away. Okay, I want to. I want to end with this. And that is. It's a little gimmicky, and I'm not a big fan of gimmicky things, but the idea of writing your own obituary, I think it's great when you just, I don't know if you've heard about this exercise, right, where you sit down, pretend you're at your funeral, and five people got up there from work, church, whatever. What would you want them to say about you? What would you want them to say? Now, not saying even this is theologically correct, but hang with me a moment. If you want to say, I was a very giving person who gave him my time or whatever, and you look up, you're like, when's the last time you gave up your time doing anything, like, I think it's a good audit to just mentally go down and say, am I the person I want to be? Well, by doing that exercise, you're defining what you want to be and want to be known for. Now you have a. A bar to look at, and then I say, use this motivation for your reset. Like, yeah, it's a great way to do it, right? It's one way to do it. It's one. One way. It's one way. That's not the only way. But for those listening, you're like, I. During the. I don't even know where to begin. I want people listening that are in the throes of it. Sometimes you feel like you have no hope. You're worthless. You failed at something that literally was your most important thing. He's like, I'm married. I told God, this is the person, and it's not. It wasn't. And you have that tragedy story in your heart. You've got the ramifications of it all. Sometimes your self esteem is garbage, a hot, burning dumpster fire. It is. It is. And you're just sitting there like, I don't even know how I'm gonna survive. I don't know what the future looks like. You're looking for any hope, any whatever. And it's not as bad as it seems. It's just not. We serve. This is the beauty of being a Christian. On this, we serve a God of redemption. And redemption does not always mean restored marriages. The Lord can redeem you as an individual. He can. May not redeem you with a new partner. Don't know. But you can be redeemed. Attracting. Redeem your kids. He can restore things in a way. Job didn't get his old wife back. She didn't come back to life. He got a new wife. Right? He lost that one. But God restored him differently, and he can restore us differently, but it's hard for him to restore. When you're laying in bed all night,

sleeping on your phone till 03: 46:03

00 a.m. Binging Netflix four or 5 hours a night every day, not getting on, disillusioned. How can God's like, how can I work with that? And he put in the work, right? Right. I mean, how's God gonna save you from that? You've got, at your pace, put in some work, and I'm gonna put words in your mouth. I want you to correct me. One of the first places that started is with your health, because without health, you have cloudy mind. You have a weak body. You have weak energy levels. And so how can you really put in work unless you get your body right? Is that self fulfilling prophecy? You're tired, so you don't do anything. You don't do anything. You're tired. It works opposite. Get energy. You have energy. You do stuff. You do stuff. It energizes you. Then you get excited about a hobby or a thing and then you just look up one day and you're like, okay, I got this. I got this. Before you date for your date. Okay. I said that was the last thing. Really? This is the last thing. Tell people, I know you probably have a waiting list because you do. But you also have some online stuff. Somebody's listening and they're like, I need Carrie or I need something. Carrie offered, talk a little bit about what do you want people to do? And let's, I'll put the links, if you're listening to this, Spotify, YouTube, Apple, there will be links below of everything Kerry says right here. You can go to my site, deliciously organic.net. I've got so many articles. If it's like you're dealing with sleep, go read my sleep article. If you're dealing with anxiety, read my anxiety article. If you're, if you're a woman and you're dealing with, I don't know, hormone imbalance, go read my hormone balance article. I also share so much information on Instagram a whole lot. And then I have like an online thyroid course. So if you're dealing with any kind of like, thyroid hormone imbalance, autoimmunity, I've got that. And then if you want to work with me one on one, just look up my name, Carrie Gorham, and just, you know, I'm in Dallas. And you can do that virtually and, or in virtual. Yeah. I now have virtual options. Okay. So if somebody's in Florida, they have an option. Yep. No one has to drive to Dallas. But if you're here, why would you not? Why would you not? Okay. Thank you. If you're listening, put in the work. The new you probably could not have been admitted before your tragedy. It can now. And don't jump into too much until you've got your sea legs underneath you. Put in the time. Put in the work. That's not a couple of therapy sessions. That's not one long vacation. It's time. And it sometimes feels like you can't imagine. When I heard people were divorced five to ten years, when I was very first divorced, I thought there's no way. That'll be me. What's wrong with you that you can't get your act together by five to nine years? And now I'm past the five year mark. I'm backwards. I'm like, how could you ever get to the place that you could get married without putting in that work? It takes time. You don't want to hear it when you're in the middle of it. But it's worth the wait to finally reach that new you. Totally agree. All right. Blessings, everybody.