Building a Better Dating Plan After Divorce

Join us on the latest episode of the UnYoked Podcast, "Building a Better Dating Plan After Divorce" where host Todd Turner and special guest Carrie Korem Vitt dive deep into the complexities of modern dating. Explore what happens when we release control in relationships (#LettingLoveLead), discuss the impact of gender roles (#GenderRoles), and unwrap the challenges of dating after a breakup (#DatingPostDivorce). Whether you're navigating the tricky waters of dating apps or trying to understand the balance between independence and approachability, this episode offers frank insights and actionable advice. Don't miss this enlightening conversation about finding love, maintaining authenticity, and the importance of being upfront in your dating intentions. Timestamps included for key topics to help you jump to the sections that interest you most!

- 00:05:00 - The Illusion of Control in Relationships

- 00:17:30 - Biblical Femininity vs. Feminism Today

- 00:29:15 - The Realities of Dating After Divorce

- 00:41:50 - The Do’s and Don’ts of Using Dating Apps

- 00:54:10 - Rethinking Traditional Gender Roles in Dating

Transcript

0:00

You are no longer married, and you're thinking about getting your next partner. But wait, don't do it just yet. Your success rate will increase if you do these next steps. Welcome to the show, Carrie. Let's talk about dating after divorce. So, Carrie, here's the thing. I have no scientific data to prove what I'm supposed to tell you, but 87.4% of everybody who dates after divorce is not ready for that first date. Probably. It may be 99.9, but I'm just lowering it. I have no scientific proof. But your first date is. I mean, I'm gonna. I hate using the word never. Or maybe there's one success story out there that the first date was the right date. I think I've heard of one. Most people aren't ready, and the person they're probably dating isn't ready. And between the two of you, that's a problem. Could be you don't like controversy as much as I do. I can tell you're soft on it. But, you know, that's. You've met people, and you've been on dates that you've walked away, and you're like, what are they doing, baby. Sure. Yeah, right? Yeah. How was your first date? I mean, I wasn't really ready. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't really. But it's okay. You have to. You have to jump in the pool at some point. You just have to. I mean, and, yeah, I had taken years and years and years. Right? So I had done a ton of work. I don't think it was a matter of, like, I hadn't done enough work. It's just like, if you hadn't dated since you were in high school, you know, it's just different. I feel like you just. You have to kind of learn. Okay. I agree. That's okay. I didn't think we were gonna start here, but let's start with this. Okay. I agree. I remember people saying, you're not ready to date. Don't date what? You don't rate. And my argument was, how does a muscle grow unless you exercise it? Exactly. Yeah. But here's what I would also say. Know that you're just growing your muscle. Meaning, don't you know there are people who act like and or think that they're really looking for their forever partner? And the reality is, no, you're getting back out there. You're meeting some people. Maybe you'll meet somebody, and maybe it'll work or maybe it won't. But there's a difference between having a dating, social life, and truly doing the things that would find the next right partner. I think there's a big nuance difference. There is a big difference there. Yeah. I think, as believers, that we should be dating intentionally. Right. It shouldn't just be. Well, I'm just doing this socially just to have fun. It's like, you should be doing that intentionally to be, like, finding your next spouse. I'm gonna debate that. Okay. I think you're right. In general. I mean, I think the principle. What you're saying is right. I'm not sure I would die on the hill that that's your only thing. Meaning I've met. It defines what. It depends what you mean by dating. I've met women of the opposite sex that I thought were great to hang out, and I enjoyed their company. They probably weren't going to be my forever person. I didn't kick them out of my life because they weren't sure. That feels like dating with intentionality is like, I know people are like, once they know you're not their other, they cut you out of their life. Well, you don't need to do that. I mean, I've made some very dear friends through the process. Like, very dear friends. But it was very much like a. Oh, we. You know, we vibe. This is great, but not really for, like, to be a spouse in the future. But you know what? Like, yeah, we can be friends, but that doesn't happen with everybody that you go out on a date with. 100%. It just does, you know? You know? Yeah, but sometimes it just happens, you know? I mean, I have a friend. Her. The very first guy that she went out with. I mean, they hit it off, and they've been married for years now. Amazing couple. So I think it looks different for every single person. I think it does. It's funny, though. I had this debate with a girl one time. We were friends, and she said, I never date anybody who on the app says, look, something casual. They all, no, I don't. They just want sex. You're saying this. Okay, it might have been me, but here's my argument. Oh, no, you both do. Now I've said it. Here's my argument. If you want to date somebody who's being truthful and they're telling you, I am not ready for something too serious, but I just need out there because they want to exercise their muscle and they're being honest about it, they get penalized. So then the guy's like, well, I guess I got to put. Looking for a long term relationship when they're really not ready. And then they get told, oh, my gosh, that guy's not ready. It's like, I tried to tell you. But if he's not ready, he shouldn't be out doing that. Just as a woman, I think she's ready. Exercise your muscles. You literally just said that people need to go out, exercise their muscles. So what's the difference between exercising and not being ready? Like, I don't understand. How can you? I mean, if you are dating, knowing I. I am not in a place where I could be in a committed, long term relationship that can maybe lead to marriage, then what do you. Why are you dating from a christian perspective? I understand the world sees that completely different. We are talking about christian dating, right? Yeah, that's. We're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. I. Boy, I don't know. I gotta. I gotta chew on that a little bit more. I feel like. Dating as a woman. I think that's if you're doing that or you, you see that a man is like, no, I don't want anything serious. I don't want to committed relationship or anything. I just want to have fun. And you go into that, I think that you're stepping into a situation where you. You're probably gonna get hurt. Probably. Okay, I buy that. Here's the another way. I like to word that I in the past, okay, so get mad at me. I didn't do it yesterday. Give me some grace. But years before, I know I've been on a dating site and I've told the person, hey, I'm busy with my life. I've got these things coming up on the horizon. I'm in therapy right now working on this thing. Great. Okay. What do you want? Date. You don't know whether it's gonna go. It's light. Who knows? You may meet your person and it turns into something, but I was honest and upfront. That. And use word well if you're not serious. Well, like, what does that mean? Because I'm not saying it's not possible to build a relationship, but I'm giving some red flags that this is more casual. And if you want a nice guy to go to some concerts with and some dinners and hang out and have fun, I'm your huckleberry. But I wouldn't say I was serious. But then I wouldn't say I was not serious. Does that make sense? I think it's in the middle of what we're saying. I thought that was a safe thing. I took pride that I was always honest. I'm glad you're honest. That's good. But you're telling me that I shouldn't do that, then in your mind, I'm not serious enough, so I shouldn't be out there. I think that if we want to be considerate and kind and respectful to the other person who that's not where they are. Because what if I could? I met women who said, I'm in the same boat, a little too busy with my career right now, but I don't want to sit at home. So let's get together and we've had a great little couple month relationship. Okay, well, I guess if that's a. Mutual thing you're saying as a Christian, I should do that. I don't think that's the best way to go about it. If you're wanting to be respectful of the other person and leave them better than you found them and not hurt them. Right. So. Because there's always somebody, I think, that's going to get more attached and feelings start to happen and your heart gets involved and, like, you don't want to walk into something where, you know, well, it's just kind of like, whatever, who cares? You know, who knows what's going to happen? And then maybe you hurt them in the process. I agree with that, which is why I try to look for like minded people, because they're like, if you're in the same boat, I'm the same boat that's going to work. If one person's trying to be in, well, then I would naturally say, oh, I can tell. Yeah, don't even try the Todd thing because it's not going to work. But not all men will do that. No. Yeah, not everybody. Is that clear? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you gotta be a good communicator. Yeah. And I thought I did an honest and honest. And I've actually, unfortunately, I've actually had to break up from relationships where they leaned in way fast. And I was like, don't. Don't. I'm warning you, don't. And they did. And I was like, yeah, you shouldn't have. So I had to move on. That's another topic for another day. But, yeah. So finding your other partner. So at first we're talking, talking about just the dating apps and when to do it. We've already had an episode of becoming the new you, and we're assuming you've listened to that episode because until you're healthy, you're not going to be able to find the next healthy person. So that's first steps to finding your your partner. Here's what I want your thoughts on of this nuance. Let's talk a little bit about dating apps. But I don't want to have traditional dating app talk. I want to say this. I want to have the comparison of not between the kind of apps, just the phenomenon that we live in a world where we can be very isolated. We can work from home. We're in our cars a lot. Church went virtual through COVID, which we were both single during COVID We've lost the art of human interaction, and without it, you sort of need the apps, because the apps. I've met people I would have never, ever met in my life if it was firsthand. Yeah, it's a great tool. It's a great tool. I think it's a tool in your tool belt. I think that being out in public and being friendly and, you know, I know that's we don't really talk to strangers much anymore, but learning the art of doing that again and being out and being social. But also, if you want to use that, use an app. You know what I mean? Like, use it as a tool, not necessarily like an end all, be all. Yeah. Agreed. And then it comes with its curses and the ghosting and the start stops, the whole. Forget all that. But it's a mess. It could be. Can be. It can also be really great. I think you can meet really awesome people on it. I think that you could meet a guy, had a friend. She met a guy at Trader Joe's, you know, he got her number and stuff, and then he ghosted her. So, I mean, you can get ghosted. You can get ghosted anywhere anyway, right? Yeah. But it is interesting. I'm not a bar person. No. It doesn't mean I've been in a thousand bars. Let's don't pretend I'm lying. I've been in bars my whole life. I've been in a bar, too. Yeah. So everybody be quiet about me being a hypocrite. But I'm not a bar person. Right. I don't go hang out at a bar. I don't have my spot. I don't like having a couple of drinks every day. I don't go to bars. But I've got to tell you, I don't think. And I'm an outgoing person. I don't think I'd ever, ever go up and talk to somebody in a bar. Why? Oh, my gosh. I feel like a creep. I feel like a bar person. Like, I'm not a pickup line guy. I will almost never. Well, then I know women who are like, oh, I don't mean anybody online, and nobody comes and talks to me. I go, well, one, you're on your phone. Two, you're not engaging. And then she goes, what they do, they're creep. So I'm like, that's why I don't go talk to you. And then, like, oh, you want to meet somebody organically? And then you create a world where we all go to the gym with our earphones on. I don't. I specifically don't see genius. And I've met a lot of people. Not like guys. Well, I mean, I know guys there, but, like, I've started to, like, get to know the people. Because you're embodying the vibes that I'm approachable. Yeah, you can, because I'm not doing this with earphones on. Yeah. I've talked to 80 year olds, to 20 year olds, so I know their names. You know, so you do have to be. I think you have to be intentional about how you're doing all this. I totally agree. And the other thing, too, is we got to get over the idea that everybody talks to you is trying to marry you or sleep with you. Like, I. The other day, I'm going to admit something. That's horrible. That's a horrible source. I was walking out of grocery store, and we live in a fluent area of America. We're not in Beverly Hills, but we are. Everybody around here makes six figures, and they live in big houses. We live in that area. And with more money comes more disposable income, which means you have, I'm gonna use word, better hair, better wardrobe, better whatever. And then people do put their money into their bodies. Okay. I'm not saying I'm not considering either bad or good. It's fact. It's a fact. Sure. A lot more Botox in this county. There is just saying. There is. So I saw this woman, and I'm gonna say she had gone what I would call past normal enhancements in many areas of her body. And she dressed as if. Well, I need. Everybody needs to know all the things that I've done. And so when you walk by, you can't this. She was tall the way she did. There's no way you can't double take. And I double take. And then I, you know, my. I'm just a thinker. So I was just thinking, who's her husband? What? How does this work? Why? I think she has a wedding ring. I'm not sure, but I was cognizant of her. The whole time I was at a grocery store. Well, every time she'd be down an aisle, I would see men double back in the aisle, stop their carts when they're like. She was the talk. That's so funny. Of the grocery store for that 30 minutes. Yeah, right. Okay. The whole reason I'm telling you that was the back story. Okay, here's the reason I'm telling you this. We both ended up in the same area of sports drinks or whatever, like, whatever those are. And I remember thinking, you're not my type. If you're married, I wouldn't want to talk to you. Like, I don't talk. If I see a ring, right, you're dead. I don't talk to any married person. Woman. I just don't. It's just. Yeah, not a good idea. My trauma and my lines, they're mine. Yeah. I don't talk to married women, but we crisscrossed and. Could you hand me that? Sorry, I'm in your way. We ended up talking for 20 minutes. Nicest woman in the world. Kind, smart, articulate. Everything I thought about her when I saw her gone, when she started talking. I still wonder why she's the way she is when I forget that. But to your point, when you put a wall up, you miss opportunities. And I'm at a beautiful. And I use that inside. Beautiful person because I opened up my mind to talk. And I just feel like I'm gonna. I'm not. I'm not. I don't wanna blame women, but I feel like y'all are the gatekeepers. You put off a vibe. People say, well, I have a resting bitch face. Well, then get rid of it. Get rid of it. Because if that's what I don't want, anybody talks to me. Well, because you're literally putting off negative energy that you don't want anybody to talk to you. So we don't. And the people who do are people who don't read social cues. And then you're like, everybody comes up, he's a jerk. Well, yeah, because you. Who's going to go through that wall but an idiot. But the nice guy who you probably would like to date, he won't go through it. He won't. And we'll be shy because we're not going to try. Well, I personally just think that's where men and women both. We got to, like, step it up a little bit, right? Yeah. As women, we need to be more friendly and approachable. And for the men, hopefully, they can be aggressors. And or not aggressors. Pursuers. Pursuers. That's a much better word. Right. And, like, take a chance. So I think that there's a place for both to level up. Okay. I know this is part of the reason I want to have this conversation. I think this conversation go 100 different ways that we may literally split this up into multiple episodes. But I want to start with this, since we're on the gender thing, let's dive right into that. Make it the rest of this podcast, if possible. You. One of the things that really intrigued me about you and our friendship and our conversations is you said you sort of did a deep dive into your femininity, and you did a deep dive into role. Role playing. What? They're not. Yeah, role playing. What is role playing? Yeah. Not in the way finding, identifying, and living in your God wired, God called gender assignments. There you go. Right. So let's talk a little bit about that. Like, where. Why did you flip the switch? What are we even talking about here? Like, what's. What do you mean? Like, women? I mean, because women are men. Men are men. Women are women. And the Bible doesn't. It's not like we have a whole verse, like, hey, not verse. Chapters. Books. Well, women, I want you to read this. Men, I want you to read this. 90% of the Bible, 98% of the Bible is to all of us. But there are some nuances about our wiring that may or may not be in the Bible, but at least the truth is the truth. So all truths got truth. Right. So explain a little bit about what gender role and how your world changed when you started living into that form. I mean, I can only speak from my experience, right. I'm not an expert. Now, people write books on this topic. Yeah, yeah. I've just read the book. You just read the book. You read the back cover and just kind of walked through my own experience. But, like, as a single mom and owning my own business and having to run a household and things like that, you know, like I have on day to day, I have to be kind of in that. Some people will call it like that boss babe. I don't really love that term at all. But, like, role or the. Like, I can go out and I can do things and I can conquer things, and I can get it done right. Which I can. But that's not very inviting to men in general. Right. If you're gonna. If you want to attract someone that wants to be, like, a leader. Right. And things like that. So I have learned how to like, shift out of that. Right. And to show up. Right time. Yeah, yeah. I mean, day to day, when I'm working, I'm working. You're independent. I'm doing my thing. But then, like, if I'm talking to a man, if I am going on a date with a man, things like that. Learning how to lean back and, like, let them help shift into a more. Traditionally feminine role and get out of your boss. I'm the boss. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what's really nice? I don't want to be in charge. Right? I don't. And a man, if you're gonna, you know, date a man, marry a man. Like, the man wants to be in charge. Right. In a good, healthy way. Right. And so, like, to learn to be able to shift into that and to let them do that even. I've even practiced with, like, I'm at a store, and a man opens the door for me, letting him do that. Letting him do that and saying thank. You and being grateful, not put out or totally or, oh, wow. He's just doing that because all the things that we hear from feminism. No, maybe he just wants to be kind. You know? He's probably a good guy. He just want to open the door for you, you know what I mean? I was walking into the gym one day, and I'll never forget this guy. I'm walking, and there's a guy. I mean, he's at least ten paces behind me, and he goes, hey, hey, hey. Don't you stop for a second. And I turned back, and I was like, what? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. He goes, no, no. I'm gonna open the door for you. Yeah. I was like, thank you so much. That was so sweet of you. Didn't have to do that. No. And I've never really talked to him again. I see him at the gym, we wave. But, like, that was super kind. So that's just one example. But just, like, being able to, like, lean, the best way I can describe it is just leaning back, you know? And if a guy asks you out, let him ask you out. Let him plan it. Yeah. Don't take charge. It's so easy. Take charge. Don't take charge. Don't take charge. You know? And it's not. It's not that I can't. It's not that I don't run my own business. It's, you know, but, like, there's also a beauty between, like, male and female and how God created us and how we can really work well together. And that's not to say that I'm remarried or anything like that. It's just something I have been learning. I've been reading a lot of books on talking to girlfriends about, like, I have one girlfriend in particular that's single. And so we've been able to go on this journey together. And, like, she'll even text me some days and be like, oh, my gosh, I practiced today. And, like, I let a guy just in public, like, just. Just help me out. Just do something for me, you know, and then being thankful, and it's. It doesn't mean you're playing damsel in distress. No, no. You're not manipulative in any way. Yeah, we're not saying that. No. Yeah, I find it interesting. I dated a girl, and what I think is to say applies both ways. I don't think it's a one way, but it bothered me that we got in the car and we're trying to park. She's like, oh, park here, park here. Almost grab the steering wheel. That's a great example. Almost grabbed the steering wheel because she wanted to park somewhere and, like, sit back and. And if you drive. But guess what? I know there's a men women role, but my point was, if you're driving, I'm gonna sit back because you're driving, and I'm gonna honor that and honor that I'm driving. Yeah, I know you know how to park a car. Got it. But not today, satan, that. We don't have to do that. You know what? Dating's a lot more fun when you. Do that, isn't it? It's a lot more fun. Well, you learn more about the other person when you rely on them to do something. Yes. Make a plan, make a date. Follow through versus just eh. And if they don't follow through, if they don't make a date, then they're like, oh, okay, you're just not the guy for me. Yeah. You're not that interested. Yeah. Like, okay, cool. I'll just move on. Okay, so give me some other ways. Femininity, however you say that word, shows up. Like, what do you mean? It's not just door openings. No. Yeah. And maybe not just plans, but what. Are we talking about in the role of dating? In the role of dating, what is. How does. Where does this femininity show up? Or when did you learn how to turn what off? Hmm. I mean, it was just some, you know, some books I read, some people I was, like, following on instagram that. That teach this type of stuff. But I would say, in the role of dating, like, let the man pursue you, you know? And it's also a great indicator, like, if he can't follow through and reach out to you and ask you out, make a plan. Like, that's a good indicator of whether or not he'd be a good leader. Yeah. Right. Provider was really interested in you and wanted to know about you, wouldn't he ask good questions and at a date. Yeah, we'd have to drag crap if you have to drag something out. And during the honeymoon, Booth, this is what he's supposed to be his best behavior. If a guy. You got a pull t, then imagine married and he's sitting on the couch watching tv. Sure. Like, come on, don't date guys who can't communicate. Ladies. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and letting them. I don't know. I think there's just a really sweet way to let them pursue. And then you, you know, receive that and then you reciprocate some, but you don't. You don't lead it, you don't drive it, you know, and it makes it a lot more fun and so much easier. And it's also stressful, I'm assuming, when you're not in charge, because we live in a makeup. If you want it done, get it done attitude and the economy of just how americans are wired. We're go getters. So when you let other people in charge, sometimes you get disappointed because you're like, well, nobody's. You're fishing. Ain't nobody fishing, and you have to live with that. Yeah, but it's an easy way to see if somebody's for you. Right. And I've even heard from men where they've said, golly, I dated this girl, and it was like, she just did so much for me all the time, and she was planning everything, you know? And he would. He. I've talked to a couple different people who said, like, golly, it was just frustrating. Like, that's not the type of woman I want to be with. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So it's interesting, if this is new to you, this is a new topic. Like, just look up, like, biblical femininity or femininity in dating. Something like that. Different than feminism, you know? Yeah, very different. I would say. But there's a lot of good articles out there, you know, good things, good resources and stuff like that. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I know we're all wired different. We have different personalities. We have different history of different trauma. I get it. There's a lot of nuances but in general, I would say I have really come to appreciate femininity. Like, I did not realize how much I like a woman to look like a woman, smell like a woman, be a woman. And it doesn't mean that I need to save her. I don't. I'm not that far. I'm. I like a good. I think the Bible. Unfortunately, a lot of churches teach the roles of men and women incorrectly. A little bit, right? A little bit. We are equal, by the way, people. The man is. A man is not over. A husband is over a wife. If you're listening, take notes. A husband has a role and a wife has a role, but it doesn't mean a man is equal or above a woman either, because that happens that women get a divorce or she'll be single. And some churches say, well, you're a man. You're over her. Like, you ain't over her. Her dad's over her. Nobody's over her. She's over herself because her covering left. Yeah, yeah. God's over her, but not you because you were a man. Like, so many men get that wrong. Like, well, men ought to be this kind of lead. No, that's not biblical at all. But I'm talking about this idea of, like, I want. I don't need me with boobs. That makes sense. No, you know what I mean? It's true. You're not looking for a man to marry. I'm not looking for a man with boobs. I'm looking for a female. Right. Who's all female. I don't understand y'all in a thousand other ways, but I do love and appreciate. Sure. The look like, smell like, act like. And I'm gonna use the word serve. And I don't mean serve me, but behave in that service because you are. Y'all are nesters. I see it when I date women. I can just see that nesting. I'm not wired that way. I appreciate it. Yeah. We are designed to, like, take care, right. And nurture and stuff like that. But I think that sometimes we can carry that over into, like, dating where it's like, I'm gonna take care of this man. I'm sorry. He's a man. That's right. Yeah. He can take care of himself. You can bring some really wonderful things to the table, but, you know, you don't need to take care. Does that make sense? Yeah. And. Or change because I think. Or change because they both play really close to one another. Right. Of like, oh, well, I can save that person. I know what to do to help them a little bit more. It's like, it's not your role. See, I think that is a nuance here. That's a really, really tough one, is when in a relationship, is someone a spiritual leader or you get into these roles where we're dating. So, like, certain these roles show up too early, and there's danger in it, and there's also danger they show up too late, you know? And I'll give you one example. Prayer. I used to pray before my first dates. I no longer do that because, like, with them. With them at the beginning of the date. That's right. The first date. First meal comes through there. I would pray. You wouldn't pray before the meal? I'd pray before the meal. Oh, still the meal. Yeah. No, I don't do it anymore because it. To me, the time was off. Meaning by doing that, I had. It sounds cocky. It sounds cocky. Just please give me some grace with this. I would have women just, like, fall in love quick, because you're like, oh, a spiritual leader. There's one right in front of me. I'm gonna catch him. No one's ever prayed with me before. Oh, no. That this is now. I became like, here's the noobs bar. And I thought, I just, like, I'm already leaving the meeting. This isn't my person. And they're like, this is my person. And so I realized that it was too early to bring to the game. Interesting. Yeah, it really was. I can name way too many times it failed. Yeah. And no times it benefited. Yeah. And I thought it felt like a weapon, and I decided, I'm not gonna use that weapon. Yeah. I mean, I think if I was on a date and the man didn't pray just for the meal, just the meal. We can't win by boy, to me, that would be like, huh, okay. That's kind of interesting that he didn't pray. Does he never pray before meals? Okay, here's how I solved that problem. I would talk about prayer, and I would just say, I don't pray before meals. Like, I would just say it. Cause to me, that's very ritualistic, meaning, I don't like praying for meals, because to me, it's like, it's like a ritual. It's like, I'd rather thank God, but when I don't have just thinking for food, like, I don't know. To me, I'd rather pray quietly in the corner and pray there than to pray in front of everybody where it's like, we are praying like, we're praying for the meal. That's what we do. And I'm like, eh, I don't like it. But see, so you're damaged, do damage. You don't. If you don't, you're in trouble. If you do. Well, neither one of us have all the answers. We don't. We're just coming from person. I'm just here to poke and say where, where and when. Yeah. So I don't. And the other part about that same kind of topic is when, when do you say to a person, is it day three? Is it a five? Is a ten? Where in the relationship where you're like, I see this. I would, I would be under this person, meaning, so there's a woman I know, she says, when I go out on a date, I think the same thing with two different revocations. Would I, can I see myself under this person? She goes, I mean that spiritually and sexually, I mean it, would I trust this man to be a leader that I could trust and partner with in our unique roles? And could I literally see myself falling in love? Am I attracted? Would I, would it be, would I have to force myself to this? You know, I'm talking about. And she goes, if you didn't bat a thousand, no more dates. But then my argument, I thought, okay, I see that. I buy that. Not a bad little litmus test, I guess. But my, my issue is, like, when in the dating, do you say, okay, I'm going to hit get into my role with a stranger. It's a stranger. You never know. You don't know them. How on date one you got to fall into a role? You can't, you can't. No, you just. When do you fall into it? I think that just takes time. I think you have to come with curiosity. You've got to ask lots of questions. You got to take time. Time to get to know them, you know, and then over time, bringing in people, bringing in your circle, like your people that are in your life. And I think kind of earlier than later, you know, because they can spot things you might not be seeing, you know, and then just being really prayerful about it until you figure out, like, how do I trust this person enough to, you know, and a kind of too, I feel like as a woman, you can kind of see, like, is this man even sort of leading this relationship or it's not a relationship at the beginning, but like, is he even leading in the beginning is, you know what I mean? Like, I guess, is he pursuit, like, how is this going that's a really great indicator. Yeah. No, I totally agree. This topic is gonna have to be cut into multiple episodes, but I want to end with this. When you say bring in friends, would you even say, well, for you? Would you. When you meet your person that you think is your person, let's say you've been dating months and you're in, and this is your person, are you going to require this next marriage to go through marriage counseling? Yeah, 100%. Heck, yeah. Okay. And even part of it's the test of that you have a person. You paid to even look and say, is this a healthy relationship? Because there's. There's growing close to one another, and then there's also. You need a fresh set of eyes, and somebody could say, yeah, that guy's really got a personality disorder that you're gonna hate. Yeah, I would want to take all. The steps, all the data, and all the. Yeah. Not go crazy, but, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. After what I've been through. Yeah. I interviewed somebody the other day, and they were saying that they are very big believers, that not only christian counseling, but just their counseling. Counseling. Because their argument is that at best, you get out of church. Counseling is love, languages, and biblical roles. Yeah. Best in her argument, she was, I'm a professional counselor. Like, so, like, you are with food. She's this way with. If you don't know your attachment style. Yeah. And you don't understand the ramifications of your attachment style, you have a very good chance to pick up the wrong person, because you're gonna pick somebody that fits your attachment style, and they're gonna pick somebody picks theirs. And you may be with a totally wrong person, and you don't even know it. So she's like, I recommend people get counseling. So she goes, I know. We fix the problem when they're in a marriage crisis, and then I have to unearth it, and then we got to work through it harder. If you would have caught it on the front side, you might have saved yourself all this problem. Well, you're never gonna get that in church. Ever made me a pastor who has all that. Those degrees and stuff. Usually they don't. So you need to go. Yeah, yeah. Gotta go outside. Sure. Which sounds like a lot of work. Like, when you do that after you fall in love, and then you go over like this. That's the problem with love. Once you're in love with somebody, and then you're like, oh, well, we have different Tasha styles up. Too bad. We'll work through it. I love them. So when do you go put in the work to realize, I really shouldn't even be in this relationship? I think that just comes at the beginning when you have to have so much discernment and you have to be, like, looping other people in your life in on what's going on. You don't walk through all this by yourself. You don't. Because that's when you can end up with more heartbreak. And if you're listening to this, you're probably divorced, and you've probably been through a lot of heartbreaks. So do your due diligence to be discerning, to be prayerful, to bring other people in and trust your friends. And trust your friends. Yeah. So you can walk through dating wisely so that it can be fun. You know, it's not always gonna work out, but, you know, like, hopefully even at the end with some of them, like, they do become friends. It happens. It happens. And that they've helped you flex those muscles. Right. And learn more things to help you get ready for the next person. So 100%. All right. More to come, because you can't find your forever person without finding yourself. And very rarely are those cases where you walk in. Right. There's my person. It happens. It happens. It does happen. But more often than not, it's a lot of work to find the person that you're gonna vibe with and vibe and then make that next commitment, and it just doesn't happen. I get on an app, swipe any, and hoping it's work. It's work. But it can be fun. It can be fun. And there's hope. Yeah, there's hope. That's right. Don't give up hope. All right. Blessings.