Love's Many Faces: Decoding Grace in Fractured Relationships

What does Grace and Divorce have to do with one another? Well, a whole lot.

Join Todd Turner in a soul-stirring Episode 10 of the UnYoked Podcast: 'The Transformative Power of Grace in a Divorce'. Delve into a journey from religious constraints to liberating spirituality, as Todd shares eye-opening insights into the true nature of grace, challenging the misconceptions that plague modern Christian culture.

[00:05:12] Discover how extending grace, even in the wake of betrayal, can rebuild bridges and foster healing. [00:17:45] Get inspired by 'The Grace Awakening' by Chuck Swindahl and witness how it has transformed Todd's understanding of religion versus relationship with God. [00:29:00] Understand the delicate balance between justice and grace in the throes of divorce and the importance of prioritizing mercy. [00:32:22] Todd dives into deep reflections on his personal faith journey, shedding light on the transformation one undergoes when breaking free from the pressures of religious 'dos and don'ts'. [00:44:55] Learn the importance of 'horizontal grace' in our day-to-day relationships and how it can cultivate a culture of forgiveness and empathy.

Transcript

0:02

The unyoked podcast navigating the pain process and possibilities after a christian divorce. What does grace and divorce have to do with one another? Well, a whole lot. But before we connect the dots today, I have to go way back and get us all on the same page. We have to all understand grace, the word, the layers, the meanings and the implications. Now bear with me. I don't want to preach today, and I certainly don't want to pretend I've mastered it. But I do believe that we'll all be better off when we understand vertical and horizontal grace. So let's get started. Grace is a lot like the word love. Not in the meaning, but we self define it often. Look what we did with the word love. We love pizza. We love our dog. We love concerts. We love our parents. We love our children. We love to take a nap. It's a big word, needs defined and it needs context. It can mean different things to people depending on situations. Now Grace, if I asked ten of you the definition, I bet we would get ten answers. One time insight for a living did a street interview probably about ten years ago. It's on YouTube. You can go take a look. It was an amazing because so many of the street interviews, people assumed or spouted out their definition as fact, and they were so different. And I know that's true in our churches as well as it is on the street. Grace is an interesting word in the english dictionary, but it's a word with deep theological meaning to us christians. Yet even christians get it wrong, or even just partially right. The term grace appears deceptively simple, yet comprehending its biblical significance demands a lifetime dedicated to exploration and application. It's almost paradoxical that a word denoting fluidity of motion like grace, and maybe a brief premeal prayer, is the very word chosen to convey an unfathomable affection of God for sinners. Nonetheless, this same grace propels him to extend the precious gift of salvation and absolution without cost. The best biblical definition I found is unmerited favor. Like when the king stoops down and gives a peasant something they don't deserve and they can't earn themselves. It's a gift. Unmerited favor the Old Testament has a great story of grace in action. Now. Following the death of King Saul and his son Jonathan, David was made king over Israel. David asked the servants of Saul's family if anybody remained from his family. The servant mentioned Jonathan's son, Mephibosheth. Now he had been injured when he was five years old, and he was crippled, David brought him to his house. Mephibosheth fell face down before know as a descendant of Saul, he was right to fear David the king. In those days, kings would wipe out the ex king's family members because he didn't want them to grow up and become an enemy. But David said, don't be afraid. David showed kindness to him, and he promised to restore to him all of Saul's fields. And he appointed servants to work the fields. The fields would provide an income for this child. And David also announced that he would eat meals at his table, just like one of his sons. And it said that he lived with him in Jerusalem and always ate at the king's table. That is grace and action. Unmerited favor, getting something you don't deserve and you can't earn. Now, christians define love loosely sometimes. Well, we do it with the word grace, and we also do it with the word gospel and salvations. Like, we talk about good works, good christians. If I hear that word one more time, I might scream. There's no such thing as a good Christian. If that's in your vocabulary, get it out. If you use words like that, it shows you don't understand grace. And we talk about baptism and what's the gospel and what's grace and what is love. Well, guess what? They all tie together nicely, perfectly in ephesians two, eight through nine. For by grace you have been saved through faith, that this is not of your own doing. It is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that nobody may boast. Notice it says, you have been saved. It's past tense, not will be. You have been. Your salvation is given by God. It has nothing to do with your good works or being a good Christian. You can't earn it. You don't deserve it. Okay, so I want to give you a little example here. If God is up here and he is holy and perfect and we are way down here, the thought that we could behave in some way, that something we move down here would somehow get us up here, it doesn't even make sense. God literally has to stoop down to get us, to make us righteous. There's nothing we can do down here. Whether you're a murderer or Mother Teresa, we're so close down here. We're not anywhere close to up here. Right? Well, the religious do gooders in Jesus day, they wanted to govern the way people behaved, to find favor with God, right? They wanted to move themselves up the ladder. And really, Jesus is not having any of that. And in acts 15 1011, the disciples are writing, and they said, now, therefore, why are you putting God to the test by placing a yoke on the neck of the disciples that neither our fathers or us have been able to bear? But we believe we will be saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they will. Now, some of you are thinking, wait a minute. Aren't Christians supposed to be good people? Doesn't our behavior matter? I mean, that's a logical step if you're hearing this grace thing for the first time. But in Titus 211 through 14, for the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us, to redeem us from all lawlessness, and to purify for himself a people of his own possession who were zealous for good works. So, in a nutshell, biblical grace is God giving eternal life to those who believe. That's it. Not plus baptism, not plus good works, not reading the king James Version of the Bible, not from keeping the Sabbath, not from attending church, not from looking like a good Christian. It's simple grace, unmerited favor. It's too simple. Right. Well, this is why we call it the gospel. The gospel means good news. We could never do it ourselves. It's comical to even think that we could. Yet many of us are still stuck in the cycle of religion and self righteous behavior. It's pointless. It's fruitless, and frankly, it's exhausting. Now, I lived this religious life for a while. I was born into and dove deep into christian culture here in America. I was raised in a church three days a week in a private school. I did biblical memorization, Bible quizzes. Behavior was beat into my head, and it was in my lifestyle. I lived not just for God, but for those around me to show them my behavior. It was exhausting. But then I read a book. You know the one, the one that changes your life, the one that gives you a new lens. It gives you a paradigm shift. I'll tell you the name after I set the table. I grew up in the church. My dad was a Nazarene. He had a nazarene background, really big into sanctification. I grew up in a private school. I grew up in a world where behaviors were taught right and wrong, where christian culture is preached equally or even more than the gospel. You know the type many of you are in those churches right now, or you grew up in those. Well, this book I read talked about grace killers, the people looking to keep you under their thumbs, who guilt you with looking down or implying or pretending that they have it all right? And you should, too. Some of you are living in churches, families, and in groups that are doing this to you right now. And my heart really, truly breaks for you. The writer had a statement. It changed my life. He said, don't hand me your list. Oh, I needed that phrase. I needed that mindset, that lens of don't hand me your list of what to wear, what movies I could watch, how long my hair could be, how often I attend church, my involvement in church, small groups, study groups, volunteering, Bible studies, how I talk, when or if I drink alcohol or smoke cigars or tattoos or my entertainment. Can women wear spaghetti straps, halter tops, bras, pants, jewelry? I mean, all the things that we get pressured with in the christian culture. This book and the new mindset freed me from the guilt of not only being judged unfairly, but even freed me from disappointing people, from being taught that we as Christians should be people pleasers and attentive for what is right. Says who? Not Jesus. He came to free us from it all, exactly what jesus did for his followers. The disciples in Israel were under the thumb of grace killers, the Pharisees, just like we are today. And for those of you who haven't put the pieces together, american christian culture is exactly the same as the world the Pharisees put Israel under. When Jesus came, he hated it. He constantly pushed back on man made rules and assumption. He was comfortable in his own skin and encouraged his followers to love him, not the system. It's so freeing when you learn what a relationship is versus religion. The difference between God and the church and church culture. It took me a while, to be quite honest, where to swing the pendulum to with this new freedom. What is the difference between modesty and my neighbor's opinion of it? What's the difference between actual sin and my pastor's line, where sin is? Or the list of christian authors or other pastors or writers? Or what's whispered in the church hallways, in the small groups? Why does my attendance to a church program or volunteering for church event have to do with my dedication to God or my command to love my neighbors, what I've actually been called to? It's been a journey for me, learning the differences, and I've failed along the way. But I became free of a lot of pressure and guilt. The book, the grace Awakening by Chuck Swindahl. This book changed my the well. It's one of two books that I've ever read cover to cover. The other one has nothing to do with this. It's called nine years with the Indians. Read this overnight from

about 11:00 p.m. To 06: 13:14

00 a.m. And I read this whole book in a bathtub. I guess I must have just kept pouring hot water in and drained it. I don't remember, but I must have come out of raisin. But this book, I could not put it down. The grace awakening gave me a lens that has lasted my life ever since. I learned something very important. The topic of this podcast, how to give grace, how not to be a grace killer in someone else's life. Now, for those of us divorced, for those of us who held our marriages high, who have real access to grind with our exes or those involved in betrayals, secret keeping, family conflicts, it sometimes feels therapeutic. It feels right, justified to speak truth, to reveal facts, to belittle, to cut back, to vilify, to fester in, to get revenge, to burn it all down, let people get what's coming to them, get some justice. Well, guess what? Justice is the opposite of grace. It's true in our lives and it's true in scripture as well. We deserve justice, but God gives grace and mercy. We sometimes want to execute justice. God wants us to give it to him and to give out grace, not for us to seek our justice. He wants us to look out for the justice of others. I have a favorite bible verse, Micah 68. I have tattoos on my arms that reminds me of this call for justice and mercy. Love mercy. Seek justice, we are told. Justice for the downtrodden and mercy for the widows and the orphans. Well, when I decided to do this, I chose love mercy on my right arm, my strong arm. I put seek justice on my left arm, my weaker arm. It was to remind me to lean more to mercy than what I want is justice. Never told anybody that it's a free podcast, but enjoyed that. Needless information. But I love this reminder each day as I walk out my door. One of the hardest muscles to control is your tongue. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. Our outward words will change when we change our insides, our lens in which we see the world and how we see our circumstance changes our behavior. We must see this broken world for what it is broken. We long for the day, for perfection. The Bible calls that I believe in Greek, Marathona. It's in the end of first corinthians I believe is how it's end and it's just a call of lord, come quickly. We are in a bad place that's never going to be fixed until he comes again at marathon. It's just a call for like Lord bring perfection because this is really tough down here. We will never receive or get full justice in this world. God gives some here and some may land later. It's a hard concept for many of us to accept, but for those of us with a life changing event like divorce, we crave for justice. We may have wanted reconciliation or peace, but instead we got tragedy and we just want it all to make sense. I'm going to take a little side journey here. But one of the tough things about divorce versus those who are able to salvage their marriage is that when you're divorced, you don't get to work together to unpack truth, to land places, to get an understanding of the whys. Well, I did that because you did this. And when you say that, I felt this way and you get in front of a counselor and you can unpack those things and maybe change your mindset and get some paradigm shifts that can save your marriage. But post divorce, many of us lose the ability to find truth and understanding into what happened. Some of you have that, but many of you listening, don't and you never will. So we just sometimes roll up the information that we have into some simple statements, sometimes oversimplified statements. John's just an ass. Julie's an alcoholic. What's a cheater? Always a cheater? You know, I'm not even sure he or she's even know they're a narcissist. You know that statement that you roll your ex or maybe your enemies up into your ex's new love, the gold digger, the adulterer, the cradle robber, the home wrecker. Out of respect to my ex, I do not want to get into our situation, but I will be 100% honest with a fault that I've been dealing with. And I still do. My pain was so great and my disappointment was so high, my coping mechanisms needed just to wrap it up and move on. I just had to label some things so I could put them on a shelf. In my mind, she's just this way. She has that eternal personality trait. But I've been spending the last five years just telling myself I just must not have known her. The person I married would never have done that. And so I guess I just married the wrong person. Well, I'm not a psychologist, but it did get me through it helped me heal and it helped me move forward. But deep down, I know that is not a healthy viewpoint. It's certainly not a biblical lens. Some of you listening have a loose, maybe even a firm belief in birth months, horoscopes, your sign, like I'm a Gemini. I get so frustrated when christians put deep stock into this. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't have an element of truth. I'm a big believer that the Bible is true, but not all truths in the Bible. So this is why I comfortably meditate and do yoga. But here's where I draw my line. If something conflicts with scripture, it's a problem. Well, horoscopes implied that the Holy Spirit, a repentive heart or heart that tries to be Christ like, that these people are not bound by a birth date, a month, or a personality trait given under a full moon. Christianity screams change, a new you, a born again you. You are not a slave to a birth date. Well, my ex wife, your ex spouse, the one that burned our houses and relationships to the ground. God loves them. Jesus died for them. God was, is, or will be working on them. They are not defined by their actions of the past or even current actions, and ready even their future actions. When you understand God's grace, it's a lot easier to pass it on. Is horizontal grace missing in your life? You may have embraced God's vertical grace to you, but missed its all important connection in your relationships. Grace loves and serves. It also gives and forgives, releases and affirms. Grace enlarges our capacity to love, so much so that we have no interest in keeping records of wrong. Grace gives room, room to grow, room to be, room to discover and to develop. When there is this kind of grace awakened love, a man forgives his ex wife and a woman forgives her ex husband. Now listen, I'm not saying you need to restore. There's a difference between grace and forgiveness. Forgiveness is the fruit of grace. Water the grace root and your fruit will produce forgiveness, tolerance, empathy, compassion, kindness. Now, we hear a lot about vertical grace, the grace received from God. But ask again, what about horizontal grace? Are you demonstrating horizontally what you have received vertically? Can you minister Grace to people who don't inspire you to acts of kindness? Let me suggest a good beginning. Stoop down and embrace them. There's the saying, love that reaches up is adoration. Love that reaches out is compassion. But love that stoops is grace. I stole that, but it's a great saying. Now, no one expects you to excuse the sin of the unlovely. Nor should you become their doormat. Extending grace doesn't send the message that you approve of their behavior. And don't fall into the trap of fearing that grace enables people in their sin. In fact, grace brings conviction to the heart of a sinner much more quickly than a rebuke. Think of someone right now. It could be your ex. Could be their parents, brother, sister, relatives, coworkers, neighbors. The person your spouse had an affair with, someone particularly unlovely, and decide today how you can stoop and embrace them. Be creative. Be specific. Find a way to express grace to them in something you say or something you do. Then do it. Next time you meet, just do it. I dare you. Now let's run down some quick, real world examples. Grace to your spouse remember that the level if God is up here and we're here, the difference between you and your spouse and your ex spouse is nothing compared to where God is. You're not much further off than they are from a holy God. Their souls were created and loved by God. Their imperfections and actions are birthed from many things. Sin, a broken world, psychology, addictions, chemical imbalances, trauma, defense mechanisms, the environment they grew up in, selfish behavior that we all share, insecurities. The list goes on and on. They hurt you. They did you wrong. And maybe they still are. Give them grace now. Ready? This is going to be a little tougher. Grace for their next relationship. Yeah, that person may be a homewrecker, a gold digger, a bad parent, obnoxious, condescending. Same answer. Grace now. When they're ready to marry again, let's give grace to their next spouse. Pour grace on this relationship. Even out of your broken marriage, your children need stability. There are plenty of vacations and holidays in their future. A happy home for your ex. And if you have children is a good thing. And if they don't have it, pray for it. Add it to your list. Another one. Grace for your extended family. The ones who may have abandoned you or pick sides. God loves them too. They were put between a rock and a hard place. They picked family, maybe over truth or even being right. Give them grace. Grace for your parents. Your parents may have given you bad advice, judged, shamed. Maybe they only got part of the story and didn't have full perspective. Give them grace. Here's a real important one. Grace for your kids. Your kids may be most likely spinning, reacting to their family unit being broken. We've done an episode on this. If you've not heard it, take time to do that. We really deep dive into this. But statistically speaking, they are reacting to their world being turned upside down. Grace, prayers, unconditional love. Don't worry about what people think. Those that are looking in, maybe lobbing stairs, unsolicited advice, giving you their list, love on your kids, give them grace and bathe them in prayer. Grace for your friends over the course of your marital spiral down in your divorce process, I'd lay money that you've had friends give poor advice, or maybe worse, they've offended you. You've got a landslide of opinions and preferences, and some may have maybe put a wedge between you and them. Well, your friends are flawed, just like you. Just like me. Some friends just wanted the best for you or for your kids, and they spoke out of that desire. Some of your friends are selfish and immature in some areas, just like we are. Throw them some grace. Reach out, forgive. Maybe it needs to be silently, but maybe it needs to be addressed. Navigate that as you deem appropriate, but give grace now. Grace for your church. Now we have a whole episode on this, too. Listen to it. Churches are full of people, so obviously there are problems. But churches are also full of culture and systemic issues, which I speak to in the episode give grace, where you can see past problems if possible, and give grace to the people who may have offended you or hurted you or added unneeded drama to your life. Listen to this church episode. If this is you, I think you'll get some help there now. Grace for your future relationships hurt people, hurt people. This includes you, and it includes the people you will be dating. It includes me. As I was healing, I cut so many people out of my life. The second I ran into anything that I deemed a problem or exhausting, I just ran. I cut them out. Any character traits? That seemed like a challenge. Now, this is really funny. It's sort of sad. But as I went to my counselor, we talked about this, and he just sort of looked at me one day and he goes, you need to go on some second dates. That was a hint of that I was cutting too many people out after the first date. And one time I came to him and I said, I will never, ever date somebody who had an affair on their husband. And my counselor, who's the coolest dude ever, he just put his pen down his paper. He just sort of leaned back, crossed his arms. He goes, just want to make sure. So you want them to give you grace for your maturity and your mistakes, but you don't want to give them grace for theirs. So they can't change, but you can. But they can't. I was like, ouch. That really hurt. Like, I had to chew on that for a while. Now we'll say, if you dated somebody who maybe abused you, you'd probably be foolish to date somebody who maybe was in an abusive relationship. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but in general, I'm not perfect. And I hope that I have really matured and I've asked for forgiveness for some stupid things in the past. Well, I don't want to be eternally known for those things. And maybe I need to give grace to those who may have messed up in the past in their lives. And that ties into grace for your future spouse. No one's perfect. In a world of Disney princesses, soulmates, happy ending movies, sunsets, we forget no one's perfect. Relationships demand work and grace. You're never going to be in a perfect relationship and live happily ever after. It doesn't exist. Now, some of you listening are right. You're on the good side of history, of the dissolving of your marriage. You have tried to manage it all well. Well, let me tell you, I take pride in how I handle trying to salvage my marriage, how I navigated a divorce, how I managed a broken family, and all the logistics that come with that. But no matter what, no matter how we use facts and selective revisionist history to explain our thoughts and actions, none of us are sinless. None of us are perfect. I hold the burden for stupid actions, unwise words for being a selfish husband, selfish father, and just a selfish man. If God can forgive me and I am blessed by his grace, who am I to not give it away, to pay it forward? We've been given a gift so big we can't hold it in our hands. We must pass it around. It overflows. Lastly, I feel the need to address this. For some of you, giving grace, forgiving, changing the lens you see through does not mean you must bring in an abuser, an addict, a dangerous narcissist back into your life or your family's life. But when you're ready, when your heart softens, you can pray for them. You can, when safe, drop the harshness. Some of you may be ready for that call, that text, the one that says something kind, the one without the middle finger attitude, the one without the sarcastic tone. Let's pour out grace. Let's love even the unlovely. If you've enjoyed this episode, you can do two things. Share it with someone who may need these words today, and please rate and review this podcast. It only takes a second. It helps others find it and allows me to keep creating this content for them. Thank you so very much. Blessings grace to.