The Unspoken Victims: Rebuilding Your Child's Life Post-Divorce

Embark on a raw and insightful journey with Todd Turner in Episode 8: "Your children are suffering post-divorce," a hard-hitting exploration of the often-overlooked emotional aftermath faced by children of divorce. Discover strategies and heartfelt advice that will empower you to navigate these turbulent times with compassion and wisdom.

[Disclaimer: "Unyoked" is not a replacement for professional counseling or legal advice. If you or your children need immediate assistance, please seek the support of qualified professionals.]

- [00:02:00] Crucial Coparenting Tactics for Child Stability Post-Split

- [00:07:30] The Pillars of Effective Communication with Your Children

- [00:15:00] The Bitter Truth: Your Divorce-Sparked Hypocrisy and Its Cost to Kids

- [00:22:45] From Marriage to Single Parenting: Juggling Identity in a Christian Framework

- [00:28:20] Real-world Scenarios: The Single Parent Dilemma and Dating While Divorced

- [00:39:55] Prioritizing Self-Care While Supporting Your Child Through Their Grief Odyssey

- [00:52:10] Complex Blended Families: Charting the Path Through Love and Assurance

- [01:00:00] Todd Turner’s Personal Take on Daddyhood Under Duress

Transcript

0:02

The unyoked podcast navigating the pain, process and possibilities after a christian divorce welcome back to another episode of Unyoked. I'm your host, Tod Turner, and today we're going to deep dive into a crucial topic that affects many single parents post divorce the ripple effect of divorce on your children and how to help them navigate the journey while living under unyoked parents. As we journey through divorce, it's essential to recognize the impact of a broken marriage and what it has on our children. In this episode, we're going to explore how divorce affects kids emotionally, how to communicate with them effectively, and ways to help them cope with this life altering change. One of my pet peeves is hearing the phrase kids are resilient. They'll bounce right back. I don't want to play the doom and gloom game here and say the sky is falling with your children and their future, but let's call a spade a spade. A friend of mine who's older than me, he still feels like he's from a divorced family over 50 years later, always a divorced child. It still hurts his parents. Divorce still has ripple effects, and some that may be with him till his grave. Post divorce, children often face various mental health and emotional challenges as they navigate through the changes in their family dynamics. Divorce can be a highly traumatic experience for children, leading to feelings of guilt, blame, and their feelings can manifest into social or academic struggles. Children may exhibit various emotional responses such as confusion, anger, worry, guilt, and they can turn into unhealthy outlets to cope. Don't believe me? Here's some statistics that shed light on these challenges. According to a study published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children of divorced parents are at a higher risk of experiencing mental health issues compared to children from intact families. Research from the University of Wisconsin suggests that children of divorced parents have higher rates of depression and anxiety disorders, especially during the first year after divorce. Research at Vanderbilt found that children of divorce are more likely to exhibit behavioral problems such as aggression, defiance, and conduct issues. Studies have shown that children from divorced families may experience a decline in academic performance and lower educational attainment compared to peers from intact families. The American Psychological association reports that children of divorce may struggle with emotional adjustment, leading to feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, and guilt. Research from Penn State indicates that emotional effects of divorce on children can extend into adulthood, influencing their own relationships and emotional well being. Just like my friend, children of divorced parents may develop various coping mechanisms to deal with the stress, including withdrawal, self blame, or engaging in risky behaviors. Studies have shown that divorce constrained parent child relationships, especially if there's conflict between the parents or difficulties in coparenting effectively. Now, we're going to talk about this in another episode a lot deeper, but research has found that boys and girls may respond differently to their parents divorce, and boys are more likely to exhibit externalizing behaviors like aggression, while the girls may be prone to internalizing behaviors like depression. It's important to realize that every child's experience is unique, and not all children will face the same challenges. But providing a supportive and nurturing environment, along with possible professional counseling if needed, can play a crucial role in helping children cope with the emotional impact of divorce. Divorce can be a roller coaster of emotions for children, ranging from confusion and sadness to anger and anxiety. However, we as parents can help mitigate these psychological effects by following essential steps to support our children during this challenging period. As Christians, we are told two things. Generally, you know the answers to most every question is Jesus and church, right? If you ever fall asleep in Sunday school and somebody calls on you your name, just shout out God or the Bible and you'll most likely be right. Right? Yes, church is a great place for your kid, not because it's a place, but because it should be a living thing. And yes, we should be crying out to God. But I want us to in the weeds of the practical, in the details, to the feelings and the landmines of parenting post divorce. So let's just get this out of the way. Church could be a great place for your child and prayer 100%, and I'm going to address that later in this episode. But let's dive into what we as responsible parents can do about helping our children deal with their new realities and assist their abilities to adjust and to function. So, to help with your kids, start with yourself. The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. When it comes to helping your kids through a divorce, the take home message is take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids. Some of you are in tough places of navigating impossible situations and being there for all your child's needs and events. You are healing yourself while you're also trying to heal your family. Sometimes we feel broken while we go through the motions of parenting crisis navigation trumps a lot. This is why some people disappear from church and life post divorce. We are in survival mode. Sometimes all we can do is parent and keep our jobs. Anything else feels too much, but a healthier you gives better advice, does smarter things and it has the energy and motivation to endure the road ahead. We must work on ourselves, not before we work on our children, but while we work on our children. As I've mentioned, one of my coping exercise moments was buying a boat. But lately I've been doing yoga and I have a meditation room. And I know as a Christian that probably scares some of you. I'm not going off the deep end here, but it is a great place to breathe, pray, have a sabbath, if you will, during the day, to just get my thoughts together so that I'm a better person and a better dad. I've spent countless hours in therapy and I've walked more miles with God, listening to podcasts and reading books, investing in myself. Okay, just because you're older doesn't mean you're wiser. Frankly, some of you are in a bad spot and you need therapy badly. Communication with your children is key during this turbulent time. I want to keep the lens of this conversation on post divorce. It doesn't matter if it's two months or two years post divorce. Rule one, do not play the blame game. Protect your ex spouse's relationship. If possible, don't throw your ex under a bus. But before we get into the weeds of this, we must put this lens on. Parents are often guilty of two things, wanting to gain favor with their children or give reasoning justifying their divorce decision. Divorce guilt is a thing and wanting to have our kids on our side is a thing. Putting our kids in front of our wishes and our needs and our desires is sacrificial parenting and it isn't easy stuff. Our responsibility to raise healthy, God fearing adults does not get trumped when we go through the tragedy of divorce. Our cris is forefront and the children can pay the price. It is tough, a very tough road to manage our situations, feelings and crisis, all the while navigating our kids issues and responses. Now let me insert something right here. You know why my kids are in a good space? It wasn't me. It wasn't my great words, and it wasn't my actions. It literally was the power of prayer. And that is not lip service. I mean it 100%. I had a team of people praying for my family during my hot mess. Not just praying that the marriage would survive, but for my family and my children. I 100% believe in the power of prayer and I also prayed for a few things that were important. One was strength for me and the other was for voices to speak into my children when I did not have the energy or the right things to say. And I think those were pretty wise things to pray for, and I want to encourage you to do the same. Effective communication strategies are critical for children's post divorce as they can help them navigate the changes and challenges more smoothly. Communication approaches should be tailored to the child's age and developmental stage so that you can ensure that they understand and they process what you're telling them appropriately. There are some basic communication strategies based on age groups. I'm going to throw a couple at you. Age is a huge factor of how you talk to a kid. Preschool, maybe age three to five use simple language keep your explanation simple. Age appropriate. Use language that young children can understand without overwhelming them with details. Reassurance provide lots of it and affection. Let them know that both parents love them and that the divorce is not their fault. Consistency maintain a consistent routine and schedule as much as possible to provide stability and a sense of security. And you know what? Young children they often express themselves through play. Encourage them to play. Express their feelings using toys or games. Now, if they're a little older, maybe six to eight years old early elementary be honest. Provide honest and straightforward explanations about the divorce. Avoid blaming or criticizing the other parent. Encourage questions from them. Invite them to ask questions share their feelings. Be patient and attentive when they do so. Validate their emotions. Let them know it's okay to feel sad, confused or angry about the situation. Offer support and understanding, but stay neutral. Avoid involving them in the conflicts between you and your ex. Keep adult discussions away from your child. Now maybe late elementary nine through twelve years old, you can give more details, maybe more comprehensive information about the divorce, but still keep it age appropriate. Answer their questions honestly. Listen actively. Be a good listener when they want to talk. Show empathy and validate their emotions. Avoid guilt reassure them that divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. Here's an important thing. Respect their privacy. As they get older, they may need to be more private with their emotions. Respect their need for personal space and lastly, for advice. Teenagers the tough group right open dialogue encourage open and honest discussions about the divorce and its impact on their lives. Be able to talk when they are ready. Acknowledge their feelings. Validate their emotions and their experiences. Even if they seem angry or resentful, which they're teenagers, they probably will. Flexibility recognize that as a teen they may have busy schedules and social lives. Be flexible in finding your time to communicate. Still avoid taking sides. Be neutral and don't pressure them to choose between parents. But some general tips for all ages be patient understanding reassure them of your love and support. Keep your conversations age appropriate and avoid blaming or criticizing the other parent. Encourage your child to express their feelings. Remember, each child is unique. You know this if you have multiple kids and your strategies have to be adapted to fit their needs and their personalities. Professional counseling can also be beneficial for children post divorce to help them cope with their emotions and adjust to their changes in their family dynamics. I had a session one time with my daughter, and it had not been for that session, that moment, I would have never learned a feeling that she had, and it was a lens she had on that was removed with a deep dive into the discussion with a counselor who helped us locate the issue. I would have never thought to ask, and she was never going to bring it up. The counseling session brought us to a resolution we would have never found on our own. Okay, now this is super important. Communicate with your actions and not just your words. Park yourself in your house. Don't date immediately when you're dating. You're showing that your kids are not your priority, that your happiness is. And sometimes all the naps and the wine late at night and the gossiping, you're doing poor modeling with your actions. We are also modeling how to deal with any crisis when we're dealing with our divorce. Finding balance between trying to be a rock for our family and being real is showing them it's okay to cry. We all have so many different personality types, and there's no one size fits all for this. But it's so important for us as parents to walk that line between real and being secure for your kid. It is not an easy task, but do both. If you find yourself leaning too far to one, swing the other way. If you're leaning too far this way, swing the other way. Show balance to your child that it is okay to cry every once in a while. It's okay to get back up on your feet and move on and show them that you've got them as your parent. As their parent, you have them now. Help your child grieve the divorce for kids, divorce can feel like an intense loss. The loss of a parent, the loss of a family unit, the simple loss of life that they once knew. You can help your children grieve their loss and adjust the new circumstances by helping them express their emotions. Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings. Really listen to them. They may have a feeling of sadness or loss or frustration about things you may not have expected at all. Help them find words for their feelings. It's normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk. Now let me add a big side note here. All right? This is really important. A big trait or skill you can give your child is the gift of turning them into good communicators. Now, I define good communication as turning thoughts, feelings and emotions into words. These are muscles that must be developed and exercised. Some of you need to exercise these muscles yourself before you can pass them off to your kids. Facts but let's be honest. Children may be reluctant to share their true feelings for the fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. They may blame you for the divorce, but if they aren't able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them. Let them be made. Let them be wrong. Let them voice their lenses on the situation. Maybe talking about the divorce is an ongoing process. As children age and mature, they often have new questions, new feelings, or concerned about what happened. So you may want to go over the same ground again and again. Hey, as christians, let's don't treat this like we do sex education, right, where we have the awkward 30 minutes chat and then we never address it again. I roll here, okay? Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it's important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismiss. And you also can inspire trust by showing that you understand or even that you're willing to have tough, uncomfortable conversations. Let kids know that they're not at fault. Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times that they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or they got in trouble. To help your kids, let go of this misconception. Set the record straight. Repeat, if needed, why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision could help them be patient. Kids may seem to get it one day and feel insecure the next. Treat your child's confusion or misunderstanding with patience. Reassure them as often as you need to. Remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and they are not responsible for the divorce. Now, for a handful of you where the child or your children were the exact reason for the divorce, you may have to navigate things a little more carefully. Maybe, just maybe, you have to explain that the error was how the tension was handled. Explain the difference between root issues and fruit issues. The child may be the fruit, but they are not the root of the issue. I know a couple who was forced into a divorce because they both married with children who could not get along like police over to the house bad. And I have seen sexual predator issues between step kids. There are lily, real reasons that involve divorce and children, but still, the root issue is the parents who may not have taken enough time working on blending families before marriage. Okay, I'm going to stir a hornet's nest right here. Some of you are going to stop right here and disagree. And some of you hopefully will subscribe and share the podcast for other people to hear. But I am committed on this podcast to talk about divorce and christian singleness in ways you will never get from a pulpit. And I'm committed to talk about how we sometimes feel, not how we should feel, to talk about the dirty details of divorce. All right, here we go. For those of you who are not single post divorce, try to put this lens on. We have problems, unique problems. We single Christian who've already left our parents, already married, already had sex, already have lived our life, and we've raised a family, or raising one. And now we're divorced. We navigate situations that you most likely have never even considered. I know a woman who remarried a closet alcoholic. She was guilted into not spending the night at his house. Premarriage. She

didn't know he was a drunk between the hours of 11:00 p.m. And 02: 20:48

00 a.m. And that he got violent. She left him, and now she's been divorced twice. She has that stain on her. And I know of a situation of sexual dysfunction I'm not going to get into and perversion that couldn't be addressed because of the guilt of premarital sex, although we are post marriage sex technically. More on this topic on the christian single post divorce and sex episode coming later, but the complications of living in a broken world but being thrown Genesis one and two perfect pre fallen world solutions and being coached on a pristine perfect christian behavior and rule following while dealing with broken world realities. Here's one I've run into a few times. A woman I once talked to briefly on a dating app. She was dating, but she was technically married. Her husband was in the house upstairs with 24 hours care and he was in a comatose state. But before he became that way, he had released her, told her to date and to move on, get remarried. But technically, if she divorces him, he goes into a governmental home with far less care. So she keeps him on her insurance and he's well taken care of. But here's the correct christian answer. Too bad you're still married until death do you part. That's your unfortunate lot in life. Suck it up, buttercup. Forget your sadness, forget your loneliness, forget your feelings. What a horrible place for her to be. We tell people not to live together, how to make decisions, how to look like you're not sinning, but you're in a complicated, broken world situation. But it butts up against our theology. It's so complex. So parents who have complicated issues to navigate with their children and blending families don't dare flirt with blending families without that sheet of paper. How dare you, man? It's complex stuff. There's sexual issues, logistic issues, money issues, and the answers are not as simple as talking to a presex premarriage teenager in Sunday school. It's just not okay. Next. But I promise you more on this topic in another episode. To your kids give reassurance and love children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they needed. Your words, actions, and the ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love. Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even through the physical circumstances of your family unit changing, they can continue to have a healthy, loving relationship with both of their parents. Hopefully, it'll be okay. Tell kids that things will not always be easy, but they can work out knowing that everything can be all right. Providing incentives for your kids to give a new situation a chance. Closeness physical closeness in the forms of hugs, pats on the shoulder, simple proximity it has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love. Be present. Stay present when possible. Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don't know the answer, say gently that you aren't sure right now, but you'll find out and it'll be okay. Your patience and reassurance and listening ear can minimize tension as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances. By providing routines your kids can rely on you. Remind them that they can count on you for stability, structure and care. And by maintaining a working relationship with your ex, you can help your kids avoid the stress and anguish that comes from watching parents in conflict. With your support, your kids can not only successfully navigate this unsettling time, but even emerge from it feeling love, confident and strong, and maybe even with a closer bond to both parents. Okay, I'm not trying to land the plane on premarital sex and dating. Why? You have a comatose person upstairs. That's not where I'm going with this, but I got to be honest, there are so many situations that I had never considered before. I was divorced. And now I talk to tons of people who are divorced, remarried, and their second marriage is broken. And I just see some real opportunities that landmines could have been avoided with just some simple common sense stuff that I believe that the christian culture pushes on people like their little 14 year old kids at Sunday school, and we're in a much tougher, complex place navigating real tough issues. And it not only affects us, it affects our kids. I used to wonder why people didn't get married after they were divorced. And now I understand that between money and dysfunction and family complications, I see why people date for infinity. And I know it doesn't fit the narrative of get married, have a bunch of kids, and grow old together. But that's not the situation we're in. Sometimes I think there's a big difference between getting married or divorced in your twenty s and remarried. And maybe when you're 40, 50, 60, it just looks different and there's not a one size fits all solution. That's all I'm trying to say. Okay, your child well being is of utmost importance. Provide stability through the divorce and post divorce while it's good for kids to learn to be flexible and adjusting to many new circumstances all at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn't mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad's routines need to look exactly alike. We'll address that in our coparenting issue coming up soon. Subscribe in order not to miss it, but creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kid with a sense of calm and stability. The comfort of routines. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect. Knowing that even when they switch homes, dinner time is followed by homework, then a bath, for example, can set a child's mind at ease. Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil your kids after divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules. Divorce guilt's a real thing, and I have been 100% guilty of this myself. Finding that balance between love and grace and discipline and justice is a tough one for parents. Now, research teaches us that we can support our children to do well after a separation or divorce. Now, an optimistic versus a catastrophic thinking style can be a determining factor of how a child copes with a divorce. Parents have a great deal of influence in helping children realistically assess situations and avoid catastrophic thinking patterns that assumes the worst of situations. Children prove to be more resilient and less stress when there's less conflict between parents and when the divorce removes them from high conflict households. Therefore, it's critical that you shield your child from fighting as much as possible. Children do better if both comparents continue to be positively involved in their lives, assuming that both parents are capable and safe caregivers. Not always true, but if in particular, if a nonresident parent maintains close in a supportive relationship with a child, right that works. Both parents should continue to listen to the children about their problems, provide emotional support, and help with everyday issues like homework, and maintain rules and expectations for behavior. Children who experience parenting that promotes warmth and boundaries thrive. A stable and consistent approach to parenting during divorce is particularly protective for children. Children do better when their parents collaborate, communicate regularly, and offer consistent rules across homes. In particular, consistent parental discipline has shown to be important because it ensures clear boundaries that don't vary widely between the homes. It's critical that parents support rather than undermine the other parent's authority during times of change, even turmoil. It's important that children maintain as many routines as possible. Children who are better able to seek out and obtain support from others are better able to adapt to the changes associated with divorce. Encourage your kids to talk to a trusted friend or an adult about what they're going through. Show them how you reach out to others for support. Demonstrate that you generally believe reaching out to others is an act of strength. I have been very open with my kids about therapy. They are encouraged to speak with qualified counselors. Maybe you should consider seeking professional counseling or therapy for yourself or your child and your child. If they're struggling to cope with a divorce. A qualified therapist can help them process their feelings and develop coping strategies. Now let's talk briefly about normalcy and new realities. Divorce often brings many changes, so once again, try to bring stability into your child's life as much as possible. Stick to established routines for meals, bedtimes, and other daily activity. Consistency brings security. Minimalize conflict with your ex spouse, especially in front of your child. Children can be deeply affected by ongoing conflict between parents. Aim to coparent well and work out any disagreements privately. Encourage relationships. Support your child's relationships with their friends and extended family members, yours and your exes. Maintaining these connections can provide additional sources of support and stability. Okay, this one's so important. Avoid using your child as a messenger. Minimalize communication through your child. Instead, communicate directly with your exbouse about important matters concerning your child. Both of you celebrate achievements. Acknowledge and celebrate your child's achievements and milestones. Positive reinforcement can boost their self esteem during this difficult time. Remember, every child is unique, and the way they respond to divorce may vary. Be attentive to your child's individual needs and provide support accordingly. Your love, understanding, and presence can go a long way to help your child navigate the post divorce period with resilience and strength. Now let's look at some red flags for some bigger problems. If things get worse rather than better after the first couple of months of divorce, right, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs related to depression or anxiety in kids sleep problems poor concentration trouble in school drug or alcohol abuse self injury cutting eating disorders frequently anger or violent outbursts withdrawal from loved ones disinterest in loved activities discuss these or other divorce related warning signs with your child's doctor, teacher pastor. Consult a child therapist for guidance with coping with any of these specific problems. We're going to talk a little bit more about some coparenting, but we're going to deep dive later. But after a divorce, we want to have good coparenting strategies that promote stability and consistency in your child's life. More later don't forget, the next episode is going to be really deep diving, but you need to build a united front with your ex partner. It can make the world of difference for your kids. Establish effective coparenting rules post divorce. It's crucial for your child's well being and to create this stable environment we're talking about involves open communication, mutual respect, flexibility, and the focus of your child's needs. Above all else, all the other things that are going on. If both parents don't have the same voices to their kids. And let's be honest, once communication breaks down between a husband and a wife, once the pillow talk and the breakfast talk is gone and it's over, being in lockstep is almost impossible. As each person gets more and more influencers in their lives, people double down on reacting to situations and arguments. One voice quickly becomes two, four, or six, and the child's the one who pays the price. All right, we're going back to the beginning. Our job as parents. We pray and we provide stability, not think that we're a great parent and not succumb to the narrative that your ex is the bad parent. We give good advice and we navigate open channels of communication. Work with your ex. Conflicts between parents can be very damaging for kids. It's crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, making them feel like they have to choose between one or the other. Now the following tips can save your kid from a lot of heartache, right take your argument somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it's in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time. Drop the conversation altogether. Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about the detail of the other parent's behavior. It's the oldest rule in the book. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be nice. Be polite with your interactions with your ex spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids, but it also encourages your ex, maybe to be gracious in their response. Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strength of all family members. Encourage children to do the same work on it. Make it a priority to develop a healthy relationship with your ex spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach them problem solving skills as well. Now I want to finish with this. Let's look at this from your kids eyes for a moment. What do your children really want? Well, how about I put this into their voice? Here's what your child wants from mom and dad after a divorce. I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please call, email, text me, ask me a lot of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you really don't love me. Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think I did something wrong and I feel guilty. I want to love you both and enjoy the time I spend with each of you. Please support me in the time I spend with you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. Please communicate directly with each other so I don't have to send messages back and forth. Please don't make me be the messenger and when talking about my other parent, please say only kind things or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about the other parent, I feel like you're expecting me to take your side. Please remember, I want both of you in my life. I count on my mom and my dad to raise me and to teach me what's important and to help me when I have problems. I encourage you, if you're listening to take an inventory of your actions and identify and make amends when you have failed, or even more when you have patterns that violate any of these things. A personal revelation for me. I had a moment and I felt like I need to have a talk with my children. Now. Logistics can affect if you have one on ones or if you need everybody in the room at once. And this can be tricky. Age appropriate topics can make family conversations off the table. A lot of you have kids of varying age ranges and you have busy schedules. But sometimes in my family, a one on one feels like a talk. But a family meeting, well, it implies it's important. Like I need you all to listen, retain and react. But I decided to call a spade a spade. I told my kids I was tired and that I was tired of being tired. I didn't like the fact that I was escaping and napping and tv binge watching. I apologize for being weak in certain areas. I apologize for not being a role model well, even though I did great in certain moments. But I was just being real and authentic and trying to be a good communicator. I showed them and told them that life can knock you on your ass and it's okay to stay down for a while, recoup and crawl your way back up to find another day. I told him it's okay to cry. It's okay that you don't have your act together. Speaking as an american christian dad, we not only get punched in the gut daily by society, we endure being the butt of plenty of jokes, but we also carry this vague weight of having to be this wise, perfect, mature, confident, provider, leader. The rocks for our families, even our churches. It's just not fair and it's not even realistic. This is why I really despise churches that put their pastors on a pedestal. The idea that men of God have their acts together. We're wise and we walk each step well. Well. Look for pastors who are transparent. Look for churches who let them be. Look for men who have been through some stuff in their lives. I'd rather have that man in my trenches than the guy with the clean, uniform. Men, it is hard to let your children know that they can depend on their dad, that we will walk through fire for them, but acknowledge that our uniforms have some rips on them and some stains. Okay, now this one's going to hurt, but I'm going to say it. I'm going to call out hypocrisy. And some of you need to hear this. This is going to help you restore your relationships. Are you ready? Many of you listening have been lying to yourself and spreading the lies to your kids. They may not be able to pinpoint it, but they know something does not sit right. You tell them that you love them and that you would do anything for them. But that's not true. God defines love, not you. What does he say? It is. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. How do I know that besides just reading it and memorizing it? I leave it by my sink. Every day. I see that every day. I brush my teeth. Why? Because I needed a lesson myself. That is the definition of true love. Many of you listening are giving your kids yourself. Lip service. Your divorce was literally caused by your attempts to put your wants, your needs above your family, your affairs, your vices, your behaviors, your need to be right. You messed up. Got it? I'll give you that. But when you had the ability to make it right, you didn't fight, you didn't do whatever it takes to save your family. So here, post divorce, you still aren't making it right. And now you just say, oh, I love you, I'll do anything for you. Bs. It's bs. Some of you could be rebuilding bridges. Instead, you're burning them to the ground. Then you're looking the other way. Your kids may not be able to verbalize their frustration, but they are trying to keep it maybe civil with you, but what they want to say is, mom, dad, you say you love me and you would do anything for me. Then why do you keep acting so selfish? Why do you put your desires above me, above this family, above your ex spouse? Why? If this is you, repent. Fix it. I know a guy. He messed up worse than any of you. Listening. Affairs, drugs, finances, all the things over and over and over. He burned his family and their finances to the ground. His poor wife and children paid the price. He's divorced, but he finally broke. Really broke. Not lip service, no bs. He had to look in the mirror and he acknowledged the warts. What did he do? He parked his butt in front of his old house doorsteps. And he served. And he served and he served the family that he had messed over. He loved them. Not self seeking, not easily angered. No records of wrong. Always protecting, always trusting, always hoping. Always persevering. He actually caught his actions up to his lips. He wasn't out living his best life. He wasn't dating. He wasn't dropping by when he was allowed to. He sacrificially was pouring into his family. The one he pissed away. He put them first. Finally, some of you listening, you might actually could restore your marriage if you really wanted to. I'm not here to push you to do that. But for the sake of this episode and are talking about your kids, you have to make your mess, right? You know what to do if you're out on social media? Living your best life, dating a new person every week, buying yourself all the cool, shiny new stuff while your kids are adjusting to a life that they didn't ask for. Stop it right now. Pour into your kids. Maybe even your ex. That relationship may not be salvageable, but loving on your family might include your ex. And that may suck. Guess what? Some of you need to suck it up a little. And so you know, I'm not riding here on my ivory tower. I have failed here plenty. I've knocked it out of the park, too. I paid for my ex one time to go to Florida for a cheerleading thing that I couldn't go. And you know why not? Because I'm great. It's because it was best for my daughter. I sucked it up. I walked down the aisle at a wedding together. I didn't even really want to. But guess what? I did it because it was best for my kids. Stop the drama. Step up, dads, step up, moms, die to yourself a little. That, or just stop telling your kids you love them. Change the sentence to, hey, sweetheart. You know, when I'm not busy living my best life, I'll lean in from time to time to let you know I care about you. But if I really did, I just wouldn't keep kicking this aunt bed over and over and over again. Things that make me happy. That's what I like. Focusing on facts. Listen, I'm sorry, but most of you listening hold some responsibility for your marriage failing. I do. You think I was the perfect husband. Wrong. I didn't cherish my wife. It led to a mess. I own that. I failed my wife and I failed my family. But I promise I'm attentive to the ripple effects of my divorce on my kids. And I want to encourage you to do the same. If I hear back from just one of you, if something I said or written causes you to reevaluate, restore or make amends, I will consider the effort worth the know. It's like we like to say in east Texas when we evaluate project. Is the juice worth the squeeze? I hope so. I sure hope so. So I'm going to recap. Here are some ways to support your child through divorce stay involved in your child's life, showing them love make time for quality activities together work on coparenting peacefully sparing your child from feeling responsible for your conflicts. Encourage and support their time with the other parent and extended family. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent so your child does not feel pressured to take sides. Be honest in explaining the divorce. Simplify the reasons and discuss these upcoming changes in their life. Allow your child to express their feelings, assuring them that they're not to blame for the divorce and reassure your child that everything's going to be okay. Help them adjust to the new normal, maintain routines and structure, and provide stability amidst all their changes. Prioritize self care find healthy ways to cope with the situation. Consider joining a support group and, if needed, seek professional help for you for your child's well being. Okay. Thank you for joining us today on Unyoke. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Together, we can help our children heal and thrive through divorce. If you found value in this episode, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Share it to others who may benefit from this. It's an important discussion. Join us next time for more empowering conversations on being unyoked.