The Lonely Journey: Overcoming Isolation After Christian Divorce

In this episode of the Unyoked podcast, join us as we delve into the challenges of loneliness after divorce and the journey to finding purpose and meaningful connections as Christian divorcees. Host Todd Turner shares personal experiences and expert insights, guiding you through the cold, hard realities of post-divorce loneliness and offering practical steps to overcome it. Hear stories of resilience, discover the importance of healthy boundaries, and explore the potential for new friendships and fulfilling activities. Together, let's embrace the healing process, practice self-compassion, and unlock the possibilities of a fulfilling life beyond divorce. Join the conversation and be empowered to embrace a new chapter with hope and assurance.

Topics Covered:

- The Cold, Hard Realities of Loneliness After Divorce

- Coping Strategies for Dealing with Loneliness

- Risks and Consequences of Seeking Companionship Out of Loneliness

- Steps to Overcoming Loneliness After Divorce

- Embracing the Healing Process and Finding a Path to Recovery

Transcript

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To support the Unyoked podcast and to help others. Please subscribe and rate right now. And if this resource is helpful, please tell a friend. Now let's get started. The Unyoke podcast navigating the pain, process and possibilities after a christian divorce. You some of us were just roommates with our ex spouses. Some of us were great co parents, some maybe just business and convenient partners. But for many of us, our marriage was a time of being best friends, having a true life partner to navigate our journey in this world, somebody to have your back in tough times and somebody to share the good times. There's a saying. Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow. No matter the level of the relationship you shared with your spouse, there is no doubt many of us have suffered real loneliness post divorce, crushing loneliness as we find our way to being single and alone. Not just in bed, not just in the kitchen table, not just traveling, but in decision making, life goals, partner navigation it's hard, real hard, to battle with loneliness. And today we're going to discuss all the issues surrounded being a lonely christian single post divorce. Let's start with the cold, hard realities. Being lonely can lead to some real dark places, and I can 100% promise you it can lead to some real bad decisions. For those of you listening to this episode, just know if you're thinking that just going and hanging out at church more, or joining a small group or God forbid, date Jesus, it's just not that simple. The kind of lonely I want to hit on first isn't just oh, I need some new friends or something to keep me busy. It is. I am alone, alone when I don't want to be, and it feels like all my options are all gone. Let me explain it this way. My dad died a few years back, literally right in the crux of my fighting for my marriage. Like my ex moved out two days after my dad's funeral. I never really got to mourn his death because I had the unfortunate crisis that superseded my grieving. Then a few years later, after a long battle with dementia, my mother passed. Wow. It was a double barrel grieving moment. I finally had time to sit in it. I missed my dad and I mourned his loss. I missed my mom and I mourned her loss. But something weird happened I didn't expect. I mourned the loss of both my parents. Frankly, I felt orphaned, alone in the world, knowing that there was no nest to fly back to in times of trouble. No phone call home to ask for advice or to tell about my day to share joy, to ask for answers to questions. What was the name of that store we used to visit on our drive to West Texas? What was your sister's birthday? All the abilities to talk about us was gone. Now, this hit me at the exact same time. I lost my wife, my best friend, and my kids were empty nest age and they're flying out on their own lives. My soul was crushed. I experienced lonely in a way I'm not sure I can even described. I was crushed to my core. Hell, I'm still in therapy about it all. This level of alone isn't fixed with a card night on Tuesdays or volunteering for the youth program at church. Although some of you listening might have filed for your divorce and you may have made absolutely the right decision. Maybe some of you listening, you're the sole responsibility for your divorce. Maybe you're somewhere in between. Still, that doesn't change the fact. Your shattering of your routines, your realities, the absent of your life partner is causing some real moments of pain. It's a loneliness that comes from the deep realities that everything you once knew is gone and it can't be restored. It's a mourning and a boredom that blends together. When the grip of loneliness takes hold, your mind can begin to wander down treacherous paths. Thoughts of a lifetime of solitude start to haunt you, fueled by a long list of perceived flaws that you constantly remind yourself of. You can find yourself trapped in a downward spiral of misery, unable to break free. I promise you that every person that goes through a divorce experiences gut wrenching loneliness. In some cases, individuals may even encounter this loneliness while still in their marriages before the decision to even divorce. Some choose to ignore it or immerse themselves in activities like dating or affairs. Seeking a distraction from the pain, others use this loneliness as a fuel to anger towards their ex spouse. Loneliness is a natural part of the healing process after divorce. Loneliness is intertwined with grief, as it involves bidding farewell to so much, including a sense of belonging, that you'll wonder if you'll ever get to experience again. There are lonely triggers, some that stay with you until they're addressed. Yard work I hear that a lot from women pumping gas, doing bills, cooking certain meals, grocery shopping, holidays, traveling, all the things your partner used to do or help with or traditions your family held. They're reminders, sometimes painful, sometimes just general reminders that you are on your own now. For those of you that missed the church episode, where's this weird catch 22? We feel the one place we should feel accepted and valued to help us with our loneliness is also the place we feel the least heard and valued. It's a true shame. We also discuss losing friends and how that extra layer of loneliness as people we once relied on have fallen away. But let's be fair. In the beginning, you may have sought soulless in isolation as a means of coping with the intense pain caused by the end of your marriage. You tried to find comfort in the presence of your existing friends, those who you knew before the divorce. It's natural to seek such protection after such a significant life event. However, you may now find yourself facing a different challenge. While the pain persists, you no longer feel a sense of belonging with those friends. Instead, you sense a growing distance, a feeling of being different from them. You know that feeling of being alone in a group, right? Yeah, we may all be together, but you guys get to go home and snuggle. You guys get to go home and do life together. I'm going home. Yet alone again. The reason for the separation is that they're married. You're not. Your life and circumstances have changed, and you no longer fit as seamlessly as you once did. This isn't necessarily due to any action on their part, just rather a consequent of your transformed identity after divorce. I remember once getting mad at being alone. I had get up and had to go to use a restroom in the middle of the night. I looked over at the empty side of the bed and I remember just flinging off the blanket off me and I popped right up. I was pissed that I was alone. I was mad that I was sleeping alone. I was mad that I felt forced into this situation. I wanted somebody to talk to. I wanted somebody. I had to be quiet when I went to the restroom. I wanted somebody I could cuddle back next to. When I got back in the bed, all that familiarity was gone and I didn't like it at all. Now, with time, you come to terms with the reality that your life as a suddenly single person is just distinct of that of a married individual. If you can't have that person in your life, you may yearn for someone who can truly comprehend the complexities of your new life. There are numerous individuals who deeply understand what you're going through. They are fellow suddenly single people. We're out here, we're an army. And no, I'm not suggesting diving into the dating scene. I'm talking about making genuine friendships. Dating may be the worst idea right now, so let's talk about that. A large percentage of you listening are codependent, and after divorces, we can experience very low self esteem and of course, depression and unfortunately, even PTSD. This codependency shares traits with these other closely related phenomenons. Let me prove it. Here are ten signs of codependency. One, individuals who are codependent often struggle with low self esteem. They constantly seek approval, crave attention, and a desire to be needed despite possessing potential skills and professional experience, or even talent. Two, they may exhibit controlling behavior, instructing others about how to behave. While they yearn to maintain control over themselves and others, they lack confidence to believe in their own abilities and rely on others to define them. Three, codependent individuals constantly seek approval, attention, and the sense of importance from others. Four, they go to great lengths to please other, even when it's not necessary. Five, codependent individuals tend to take care of everyone around them. These traits stem from the need to feel needed, important, and acknowledged by others. Six, throughout this process, codependent individuals become reactive to others, often neglecting their own well being while being proactive in helping others. Seven, as a result, their personal interests take a backseat and their relationship becomes exploitive for the codependent, even though they may exhibit controlling behavior and expert control over others. Eight, codependent individuals may experience strong emotions but are emotionally vulnerable. They rely on relationships and others to validate their self worth. And nine, where they may possess individual strengths and capabilities, they are reluctant to explore them independently. Their entire existence revolves around the presence of others. And lastly, ten, codependents may also develop dependencies on substances or exhibit personality disorders as a byproduct of their codependency. Until you fix these traits, you have no business dating. And dating will create way more problems than it fixes. Just like we tell it's just like a drug addict. He thinks his next hit fixes his problems, when really it's just making his problems way worse. Now, you can have friends of the opposite sex, right, if you're thinking about dating. But just don't think that your issues will go away when you find someone who fills your time and sits on a couch with you and takes you to dinner. We are social animals. We need friends. Hillary reminds me of a joke of the guy who moved into a wilderness, and he was there for months and months and months, and he finally looked across the valley, and he saw another man way in the distance pulling a mule, and he waved him down and hollered, and it took him 30 minutes to meet in the middle. Let's take a quick break. Are you facing the challenging crossroads of divorce? I bet you know of someone who is? Well, now there's a resource for your shelf. Maybe for you, maybe for a friend. Unyoked choices the Christian Handbook for divorce decisions, a book for those in need. Buy one for you or for a friend? Navigate the divorce decision and the execution of unyoking with wisdom, strength, and confidence. Available now in paperback and kindle only 899. Order your copy today. Visit toddturner.com books unyotechoices because these decisions matter. And the guy goes, oh, I didn't know anybody was out here. And the guy goes, yeah, you're my neighbor. I've been looking at you, waiting on you to get settled in. Goes, man, I'm just lonely out here. And the guy goes, well, why don't you come to my house tonight? We're going to have a big party. There's going to be all the fighting and gambling and drinking you can handle. The guy goes, great. What time does everybody get there? He goes, oh, it's just going to be me and you anytime. Five, right? It's just people need people in their lives, right? And sometimes they'll put up with anything just to be by somebody. You need friends, but who? I think the difference is, depending on your stage of life with young kids, you will do much better with people. Lockstep with your kids activities, lawn chairs, bleacher seats, tryouts, practices and games in the emptiness phase of life. Or for parents in a 50 50 split, right? Some of you are great 50% of the time when you're with your kids and you're down lonely on the every other week or every other weekend. What a tough roller coaster ride. My heart breaks for that whole situation. And for those of you who have zero or low custody of your kids, I acknowledge your pains, too. A quiet house can be a painful experience. I mean, quite frankly, one time I said I'd never do it again. I had custody over my kids, and so I controlled vacations. And one year I just decided it would be in the kids best interest to spend Christmas morning with my ex wife and her parents. My parents had passed away and I just thought, how nice would it be for my kids to just wake up on a Sunday morning, Christmas morning, and just enjoy Christmas morning with family. And so I just, matter of fact, I sat on this couch alone. When I say it was the worst day of my life, I mean, it's in the top three. I was an indescribable lonely and a lonely that couldn't be fixed because what could I do? I couldn't even go to a movie theater or a restaurant. It was Christmas and it was a Sunday, I think, too. So everything's closed and I'm not going to reach out to anybody. I did have people afterwards say, oh, you should have called me. Well, that's nice, and I'm sure they meant it. But what am I going to do? Go sit at your house at Christmas and sit on the chair and watch your family open gifts like some of us are in real situations that are lonely and unfixable. Friends may offer companionship or solution, but sometimes people's presence isn't what fixes our pain. I've been asked by friends, even ex girlfriends, for hugs twice that I know of for sure. I have been asked for somebody to come over and just get a hug. One wanted to just cuddle and take a nap. It was just, they wanted the security, the touch, to be by somebody. They were so lonely. And I think women have a sense of security, the way they're wired and when they're independent and alone and in charge of their own security, it makes them feel so alone. There's a book too called the body keep score. Talking about stress on your life. And you can really see your emotions change and your body change when you're under stress and when you're in depression. It's a great book, the body keep score. Sometimes it's just great to have a great conversation. This is why I semi disagree with people who say dating is just for marriage. It can also be therapeutic. Just talking to someone, being around somebody sometimes is a great exercise. And in theory, the truth part is that maybe dating for anything other than marriage is a waste of time. You be alone in depression and just that little win of getting out and talking to the opposite sex and having a night out can be so therapeutic and good for the soul. Sorry it doesn't fit your theology of how dating works, but sometimes that is a very big win when it comes to dating. I know women who love to go out because they get a free meal and the guy feels like he's paying a fortune for all these free meals when he's trying to meet somebody. And the women are like, I just went out of the house. I mean, literally, it's a phenomenon that some women, I think they have zero grocery bills because they go out four or five times a week being taken to nice meals, and they're really not all that interested, but they're enjoying it. Guys, I think, pay the price for that. But there are risk and vulnerabilities when seeking companionship out of loneliness. Unfortunately, many of us fall into the trap of seeking another relationship to cope with our loneliness after divorce, but I've learned firsthand that this can have tragic consequences. Rushing into a new relationship without allowing ourselves to heal completely and become whole individuals again puts us at risk of repeating patterns with someone similar to our ex or somebody who may be the complete opposite. In most cases, this doesn't end well, and I can personally attest to the devastation of breaking up with a new partner before fully recovering from my divorce. It felt like a double blow. I experienced a sense of being a loser all over again. And even worse, some people resort to discussing their loneliness with their children after a divorce, like they might think they're being honest and seeking comfort, but they're also burdening their kids with adult concerns. I don't believe children should ever be put in a position of being their parent's friend during a divorce. The long term effects on the kids and the parent child relationship is incredibly damaging. It's crucial to find someone else to confide and share your struggles with. It's important to understand that loneliness is a natural part of the divorce recovery process. Instead of fighting against it, I encourage you to embrace it as a necessary step in your journey. By accepting and acknowledging your loneliness, you can navigate through it, maybe quickly, maybe not, but definitely effectively. If you're ready to stop fighting and embrace this part of the divorce recovery process, I'm going to have some assignments that can help you cope with this loneliness more effectively. Setting healthy boundaries and new relationships a friend of mine uses the phrase kitchen floor moments when you are in such anguish, such loneliness, such wrestling with God, you just lay on the kitchen floor. It's okay to lay on the kitchen floor. It's okay to be lonely, it's okay to hurt. Just to go fix it with a quick relationship is just not wise. So here are some valuable steps to help you overcome loneliness after divorce. One connect with loved ones improve your existing relationships. Reach out to family members, distant cousins, close friends who can provide love, support, and understanding. Strengthening these connections, which can easily waver as we get into the busy seasons of life, can help alleviate loneliness and provide a sense of belonging. Zoom dates online friendships may be a great first step. Zoom has changed how we value community. People have happy hours online, and you don't have to get all the way ready. Just put your hair in a ponytail or put on a t shirt, guys, and just get on Zoom. Talk to somebody. It's not that hard to get out of the house. You don't have to two force yourself to be social, exercise those muscles. Go sit in the back. Come late, leave early. I don't care if you have to drive to the door and event and turn around and go home. I don't care. Move, attempt, crawl, walk, run. Even if it feels challenging at first. Make efforts to engage in social activities. Attend gatherings, join clubs or groups that align with your interest. Participate in community events. Pushing yourself to interact with others opens new doors to friendships and possibilities. Go to the gyms. Put in your earphone if you have to for a while, then take it out one day. Talk to somebody. Baby steps. Baby steps. Sit in the corner with other people who don't want to be there either. Right? I have a friend of mine. He is so great at walking in a room and finding who needs something. One time we were in Israel, we're in Jerusalem, and there was a little lady walking by herself. Now, me being selfish. I was there with somebody, and I was talking. I probably walked right by this lady he saw. He was probably walking by somebody, too. Saw, ended up walking with this lady. Turned out she was a Holocaust survivor. He went through the whole Holocaust museum with her, heard her stories. Oh, there's my family. There's my sister. Oh, I was there. He had this rich experience with this lady because he was attentive. Well, I promise you, there are people in almost every room that maybe doesn't want to be there either, or had a tough day, or they're going through something. If you just be a little attentive, you might find somebody who might just be attentive back to you. Right. Go take a look. Not everywhere you're going. Everybody else is having fun and you're not. There's other people there who are struggling. Maybe just like you, volunteer to restore perspective and to keep busy, engaging in volunteer work not only benefits others, it also provides a sense of purpose and fulfillment. It can help shift your focus from your personal struggles, and you make a positive impact in the life of others. Create a sense of connection and fulfilling, like helping someone in need, might show you how blessed you really are. And four, do things you haven't done in a while. Rediscover your passions, your hobies, your interests that may have taken a backseat during your marriage or child rearing years. Engage in activities you can enjoy or used to enjoy that bring you fulfillment. A renewed sense of self. Paint, dance, sing, workout, write. Try things you like next to somebody, maybe in a painting class. Be alone, but in public. And five, get off social media. While social media can be a useful tool for connecting also contribute to feelings of loneliness and comparison. Take breaks from social media platforms. Focus on nurturing real life connections and experiences. Social media makes you lonely. Six establish a routine. Work on yourself. Create a daily routine that includes self care activities such as exercise, meditation, journaling, personal goals. Focus on self improvement and personal growth. Boost your confidence, your self esteem, and your overall well being. It helps with the woe is me laying in bed. Let me turn on Netflix and TikTok solutions that are a road to nowhere and then seven know the difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Allow yourself to feel sad, but don't dwell in misery. It's essential to acknowledge and process your emotions after divorce. Allow yourself to grieve, but also actively work towards healing and moving forward. Seek healthy outlets for your emotions such as therapy, support groups, or confiding in a trusted friend, and seek professional help. Don't hesitate to seek the guidance of a therapist or a counselor or divorce coach who specializes in post divorce support. They can provide you with valuable tools, coping strategies, and a safe place to explore your feelings, ultimately helping you overcome loneliness and finding a path to healing. Remember, healing takes time and everyone's journey is unique. Be patient with yourself. Practice self compassion, and know that with support and self care, you can rebuild a fulfilling and meaningful life beyond your unyoking. I'm not sure of the balance between isolation and loneliness, but I'm a big believer in the phrase, you can't run a marathon, then take a nap. The self care Valley can lead to isolation, even depression, if you let it. If you want more information about divorce recovery, first do a few things. Subscribe to this podcast, rate and review it. You may not understand how much it helps. Get the word out and share this episode or podcast with a friend. Then visit toddturner.com divorce for more resources and to sign up for our email list. You may want to join a group. It's a limited Zoom meeting with fellow christian divorce singles, so the Unyoke podcast will be a total of 17 episodes. Keep with us on the journey of your divorce healing and divorce recovery. Join us online. Join the conversation todturner.com Divorce Blessings season. Thank you for listening to the Unyoked podcast with me, Todd Turner. This was originally planned to be a limited 17 episode podcast, navigating the major milestones after the divorce. Well, the feedback and needs were too great, and now I'm going to dive deeper into each episode. But with a female cohost, we are excited to help further the conversations into divorce recovery and gaining healthy single legs as a Christian. But would you do us a favor as we prepare our topics and episodes? Please go to toddturner.com contact and give us feedback on the podcast specific episodes topics you wish were addressed. We would love to hear from you. Then after that, please rate and review this podcast. You might not know how important that is to help grow the popularity and the reach of this resource for thousands of people who need it and don't even know it exists. Rate, subscribe, share all of it. But let's start with go to toddturner.com contact and let me hear from you. I read every single email that comes in blessing.