Dating After Divorce: Why You Should Swipe Left

Experiencing sudden rejection or getting ghosted on digital platforms can reopen fresh post-divorce wounds and sting deeply.

Overview of Divorce Issues: In this session, we discuss navigating the modern ghosting phenomenon with calm assurance and clear perspective. We address the "buffet mentality" of dating apps and how the ease of disappearing without explanation can make you question your own worth. We talk about practical ways to protect your heart, differentiate between healthy vulnerability and "thick-walled" partners, and why setting boundaries is essential for your emotional survival.

Bullet Points:

• Readiness vs. Restlessness: Understanding when you are actually looking for a partner versus trying to fix your loneliness.
• Decoding the 'Ghost': Why someone else's lack of communication is not a reflection of your appeal.
• The 'Wall' Dynamic: Knowing when to stop trying to chip away at a partner who won't meet you in the middle.
• Protecting Your 'Energy': Why your time is too expensive to spend on low-effort, sporadic connections.
• Finding Your 'North Star': Creating a dating manifesto to keep your confidence grounded in your true value.

To support the UnYoked Podcast and to help others... PLEASE subscribe and rate.. right now. And if this resource is helpful, please tell a friend.

Transcript

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Your phone feels like such an easy way to be a voyeur and to explore your options of the other sex.

Not so fast.

As we navigate the pain and the process and the possibilities of divorce here on the UnYoked podcast with our Christian lenses on, we just have to dig down into this phenomenon that exploded during COVID in our frequently isolated lives: dating apps. And let's talk a little about dating in general.

The first few episodes of the UnYoked podcast focused on those considering or navigating a divorce. But now we're in the middle of the aftermath of divorce and in the landmines and in the opportunities, and some of those are dating and the online dating apps.

Now, I want a disclaimer here. When it comes to the order someone should walk down the newly single road, dating should not even be in the top five things to do post divorce. But I already know it feels right to be in a relationship. For many of us, we all fight loneliness to various degrees, and frankly, we get some highs from the attention, from the gamesmanship of dating or the flirting. So it's just a huge temptation for us and a lot of us in our early single life.

But if you're within a year of your divorce, listen to this episode. Don't act. But for the rest of us, let's dive deep.

I put this episode early on the list because dating and the dating apps is where most people go when loneliness strikes.

Now, listen, to a lot of you girls listening, meeting in a grocery store is just creepy. Let's be honest. If I came up to one of you women listening right now while you were shopping, you would have your walls up high, immediately clutch your purse. Us guys can't win.

And then sometimes you women say, I never meet anybody. Well, that's because you don't look anybody in the eyes in public. You keep your earphones in at the gym, and you only go out with your girl groups where, if a man is walking up to you to say hi, he's walking into the lion's den.

Many of you have your bubbles, and they're almost impenetrable. And we don't like trying as guys, and we don't like guessing whether we're even allowed to, so we just don't.

Women are scared of creeps, and men are scared of being creeps. It's like we're back in junior high again at the skating rink.

Dating is hard. Dating as a Christian is even harder.

Have you ever had someone throw shallow advice your way? Their flippant instructions are sometimes irritating, and sometimes it just feels condescending. When an answer is too simple and easy, it's generally because whoever lobbed it really hasn't dug down into the nuances of a situation.

We single Christians hear, just find yourself a girl in church.

Well, don't I wish.

Church single groups can be extremely awkward. More on that in another episode about church. The odds a relationship won't work is far greater than it will. If you love your church, you don't want a relationship to end your ability to call that your church home.

And size matters. There are many churches too small to deal with the politics of dating within the walls, people taking sides or working overtime to try to matchmake. Choices are very limited unless maybe you go to a megachurch.

Small churches are like small towns.

I lived in a small town, and after my divorce, when I was ready to date, I did not date anybody in my small town. Well, why? Because there's only one gas station. I want to be able to go to it and not have to worry about who's coming over my shoulder, and if I have to have an awkward conversation with somebody that I once dated. And I want to be able to go down every aisle in the Dollar General store without having to skip one because somebody's down there and they ghosted me, or I ghosted them.

So I just never dated in my own hometown. And that's sort of the same way it works with small churches.

Let's be honest. For Christians, the idea of meeting someone in church just isn't as easy as it sounds.

Now, I find this way truer with women than men, but sometimes we are pushed into dating. Our friends or even our children are tired of seeing us alone, maybe around the house, maybe even lacking purpose or even happiness. They want to see a smile on our faces, and maybe, selfishly, they want to see a smile on their faces. They want the double dates, the couple dinners, the foursome, travel partners to go with. So they're pushing us into dating.

If I've been told this once, I've been told it 20 times.

My daughter made this dating profile for me.

My friend runs my dating app account.

I don't know too many men who had to be pushed into dating, but I know plenty of women who felt like they were.

But let's say you are ready to meet somebody of your own accord and at your own speed. You need to think a little bit. What does dating mean to you right now? How are you going to manage this new event in your life? What rules do you want to govern your time and the energy level of this new venture?

These are very interesting thoughts when you ponder them for a moment.

Yes, most of us want a healthy relationship at some point, but not all of us are healthy enough to find our partner. And I can 100% assure you there are so many unhealthy people out there in the dating pools. Without the right lenses, you will make big mistakes. Big ones. I can assure you I have.

Now, there are stats. I don't know exactly what they are about how many years to be single post divorce before you find yourself again, or maybe find yourself for the very first time. Some of you got married so young, you've raised your family, and you're trying to find yourself again. You never even had it. You were a mom, you were a wife, and now you're single. Or you're a husband and you are a provider for your family. And now who are you? What are your hobbies? You don't even know.

Without that lens of knowing who you are, how are you going to know who to go look for and what makes your best partner? You have no idea yet.

When we come into dating without a plan, it can be dangerous and a costly trip when we try to just fill the holes in our life, fill our time, fill our need to feel loved and appreciated.

Well, listen, that's super easy, especially for you women. Listen, dress nice, do your hair, create an online profile account, and you will get guys calling you pretty and offering to spend time with you in five short minutes.

It's not hard, but who? What are you looking for? Are you looking for a life partner or just a date? Do all the dates have to be potential life partners?

We're not teenagers anymore. The dating advice we got in our youth groups is not even close to applicable. We have much harder lives to navigate. Money, emotional, family boundaries. It is so much more complex.

Many of you want to date someone opposite of your ex, or maybe very similar, but without those flaws. I know quite a few people who tried to date the exact opposite of their ex spouse. They found a trait that they felt so different, only to find they married their ex spouse all over again.

More of this phenomenon on a later full episode about dating and finding your right person. But it screams you have to be healed to have a clear lens of what you want or need.

Most of us gravitate back to the same type of people until we learn why we are attracted to that type of person and we fix it.

But let's just assume you really are ready, you know what you want and that you magically found someone who knows what they want, too. How are you going to find each other? How many fish will you have to throw back before you find your next right partner? How are you going to exercise those flirt dating muscles if they've been dormant for a while?

Scary, right?

Introduce the dating app solution, an easy way to window shop and pick your person with ease.

Ha. Not now.

Side note, I find it so funny when some of you women listening get on an app for the first time. It's like walking through one of those full length mirrors made of water where you can walk through, but you have no idea what's on the other side of it.

Well, some of the women come into these apps. They open their account, super scared, super cautious. The new accounts have no bio, and they have pictures of cats, lakes, memes, et cetera that were uploaded so nobody can see your face. Then after you get your dating legs, those get changed to maybe your best pictures that you happen to have on your phone. And then over time, maybe it matures.

It's just so funny because I used to log in and I'd see a few cats a day on the apps, and I think, oh, here's another dating newbie. Swipe left. She's new to the game. She's not ready.

And I'll leave the fake names you all create alone. There's so many of them out there, and I get there's privacy concerns that you all have to deal with.

Now, listen, there are some giant differences with the denominations, the spiritual maturity, the brokenness between all of us right now listening to this podcast. Some of you are very guilt driven. Some of you are people pleasers. Some of you are introverts. And some of you never in a million years would tell your friends, family members, and especially your church friends that you use a dating app.

I see it written in bios all the time. Let's tell everybody else we met in church.

It's sometimes tongue in cheek, but I think many of you don't like to admit that you're even on dating apps. It feels taboo in the church world.

What will your friends think?

Should I put Tinder on the homepage of my cell phone?

Should I remove notifications?

What will your friends think if Georgia Peach four from Tinder just messaged you? Or big sexy Cajun just super swipes you? Or even ready to rumble blows up your phone during a meeting or a small group?

Some of these usernames are just wild.

Let's just be honest. There are some common concerns and misconceptions about the dating apps within the Christian community. Tinder has a reputation of being a hookup app, but I found that any app can be whatever you want it to be.

Now I have my rankings, but I have to be honest. I've never paid for an app that I can remember. So any of these apps I'm going to mention, the ratings may change if I paid. There are over maybe 100 apps that are available for you to date online in the App Stores, but here are the top ones.

Let's rate them quickly.

Bumble. I like this app because it puts the woman in charge. She has to reach out first. Many of the women hate that, but come on, it's better than waking up with who knows what in your inbox every day. I found the women to be of higher class and more articulate than some of the other apps I will mention next. It encouraged information exchange and conversation. I'll give Bumble an A.

There's another app called The League. It's hard to get in and it's expensive, except they do let you in with free approvals. But it is great because there are no fake accounts. Everyone is vetted. I have met really good quality people in The League who seem to be truly interested in meeting someone and trying out a relationship. Another A, but I'll give it an A minus because with the free account, you have to wait in line. Lightning in a bottle because you only get three swipe choices a day and think about how long that takes to finally find your person.

Facebook dating. It's on the app. It's a weird addition to the normal Facebook app. I'd say 95% real people, but an awful lot of looky-loos. And there's the ability to see possible friend matches and do deep detective work knowing their first name in the city they live in and anything else they accidentally revealed. But it's a buffet of possibilities. But it feels more like a waste of time if you're really serious about meeting someone. I'll give it a B.

Tinder. Now listen, if Tinder is a hookup app, it's broken. I know it has a reputation, and it certainly does have some seedy things that rear their head from time to time. But once again, choose what vibe you put out and what vibe you accept and it can work and it can be safe. But in general, it's a small bar on the side of the road. You might meet somebody in there, but it's probably not worth going in. Let's be honest. So I'll give it a C minus.

Plenty of Fish. Another fairly popular one. Not sure why. I'd call it the armpit of dating apps. Fake accounts everywhere. The app features are not even working fully, specifically who's on right now and how far away they are. It just doesn't work. I don't know how to say this without just being super blunt, but the women I see just seem to be a little bit of lower class than the other apps. And I'll leave that right there. But I'll give this thing a straight up F.

But I had all the apps together, and I have met so many great women, I still stay in contact with them. There are absolutely some amazing men and women out there. And for those of you who say all men are dogs or all women are crazy, you might want to check yourself and your picker.

I have found some great souls, some great conversationalists, great people along the way, and I would not have met 10% of these people without an app. It connected us.

But let's highlight some of the warnings and the potential pitfalls of online dating and these dating apps.

Now, I only date Christians, and I say that. I mean, people who put that in their profiles. How would I know?

I dread the word spiritual. It's another choice you see on a lot of these apps. I don't even know what that means. I sometimes think of a gypsy with beads and tarot cards and tie-dyed shirts when I see that word.

But I've met a few people that told me that they've used the word spiritual because they want to say they love God and they have a personal relationship with him, but they don't want to be associated with traditional right wing Christianity, sort of the phenomenon that's going on right now. And so people are distancing from the word because they're distancing from the politics in the word. But maybe they need a, I love the Lord, but I hate religion, button. But I don't think that's available to any of us.

So what does Christian even mean anymore?

There are people who would say that they are Christian. Well, because they're not an atheist or not Muslim or not Buddhist. But I spend a lot of time trying to see what that means to someone. It's a weird test to just open up and ask right at the beginning of the conversation, and it's a long game test to see it played out.

It's part of the exhaustive part of dating, getting to know someone and try to decide what they mean by the word Christian.

Some people use church attendance. They'll ask about that as the bar to know how serious you are about your Christian walk. Some people use music choices. Do you listen to worship music? What books are you reading? Right?

I found it takes time to see what the word means to someone and there's not too great of a litmus test along the way. But there is a quick way I found. It's what I call the cleavage factor. It only works for us men.

The Christian that has four bikini, two bar pics, and enough cleavage out there to kill a goat.

Now listen, I promise you, I may be the most liberal conservative Christian there is. You can 100% be a believer and go to bars and do the beach. And yes, you can wear a bikini. You can drink, you can go braless. I don't care.

I actually advocate that you're not restrained to someone else's definition of modest or whatever our cultural standards happen to be this year in this country. But I think I'm talking about the vibe and the look at me attitude and I need to be looked at. The attention seeking.

I have found the more cleavage in the bio pics, the less spiritually mature. These are facts. You can debate me, but it says a lot about someone if they want to be known for their assets over their personality.

This is a great example of the need to heal before you start dating. Why do you seek attention? What is healthy attention and how am I going to try to get it? And why am I using an app to do it?

Okay, another warning for the ladies. Guys. Some guys will ask you to use a different app to chat. A chat app. But beware. Think about why. Are they in a relationship already? Are they married? They don't want your pictures on their cloud keeping you on the down low. If a guy asks you, would you move over to this chat app with me or exchange pictures, move on. No matter what reason he gives, spend more time chatting on the app you're on. Don't move off so quickly.

Also, put a fair amount of pictures on your bio and it will slow down the request for more pictures. Don't give anybody any room to say let's get off this app so we can exchange more pictures. Just give them what you're going to give them. Sometimes people ask because you only put one. Maybe put a little bit more. They won't be so greedy.

A side note, when do you exchange numbers? My answer is after some serious banter and even after a video date.

I need to tell you a quick story about my first date, or one of my very first dates after my divorce. I just texted someone. We had a little bit of banter and I thought, oh, it must be time to meet. I decided to meet them. I didn't do a phone call. I didn't do a video call. I did nothing.

I walked in to the biggest mess of all time. I walked into a group date situation. There were so many people at the table, I didn't even know which one was mine that I was supposed to talk to. She was drinking, she was smoking. We were sitting there listening to a band of some friends that she had.

I just walked in. I thought, what have I got myself into?

It was really almost the perfect first date because once I did it, I do not go out unless I do a video date. It is the only way to go. It eliminates so many problems that happen in person. You can just learn about it already in the video date and you don't even have to go on a date. Look into it. It's brilliant.

Now, let's talk about ghosting.

Ghosting is a real thing, man. I wish I could explain it for those who haven't described it yet, but here's the deal.

One, when you swipe, you're swiping at multiple people because you don't know who's going to swipe back. So what happens is you sometimes get slammed with multiple conversations going on. And when you have too many conversations, what happens is you feed one and you neglect the other.

And so sometimes you have somebody who matches with you. You may be in a brief conversation and they just disappear. And you think, what happened there?

Well, one of the reasons, they're just talking to too many people and you lost out timing. Somebody replied when they were up and you didn't, and then by the time two or three days later, they've already moved on. Just the way it is.

Sometimes they're just not feeling it. It is what it is. It hurts sometimes, but hey, now you know where they stand or they know where you stand.

I've ghosted plenty in my life. Not super proud, but some of them made total sense. Some were missteps on my part. It just happens.

In fact, a study a couple of years ago found that respondents had ghosted almost 30% of the people they dated and they felt like they'd been ghosted by 25% of the dates themselves. People admit it. But additionally, 75% of the respondents to the survey said they believe ghosting was an inappropriate way to end a relationship.

Isn't that crazy? But isn't it funny? A way to end a relationship? What kind of relationship? You barely know each other. You've only just swiped on pictures and read a little bit of what they had to say. Is that really a relationship yet?

I think that's where the nuances come in. Is ghosting after you've built a relationship? That hurts. Ghosting when you're just getting to know each other? Some people would just say that's fair game. That's the way it is.

But this is not just a dating issue with ghosting. It happens a lot now with jobs and friendships. As the world moves more and more online, it's proven we behave way differently in person than we do online. It's a thing.

Plus, once again, what do you owe somebody that you barely know?

Here is what will help with ghosting and with online dating in general. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Honesty.

We don't have real relationships yet, but we don't need to be rude.

Maybe your laugh is not going to make me happy for the next 30 years, and I don't want to tell you because I don't want to offend you. But I know that hairdo that you have with that tank top is just going to be a little embarrassing for me. And the dog, he's ugly. I'm not going to tell you that, but it may be enough for me to know you're not my next person.

And so I've just moved on. And I'm moving on because I don't want to tell you the truth. So just sometimes you got to let ghosting be what it is, right?

And also, I'm speaking to the ladies a lot today, you have no bio. You just put up your pictures, right? Well, some of you are getting it just a little lazy. If you put up a few pics and no bio, no wonder why you're getting ghosted. If you would have told me about your five year old kid and that you work at Blockbuster still, I might not have swiped. I mean, give me some details for crying out loud.

You and I can weed out people. Do you love golf? Good. I don't. Tell me now. Do you work on weekends? Great. Spit it out. You don't want to fly? Great. But reveal that in your bio. Now we're going to know.

Now, I'm going off hearsay here, but there seems to be plenty of married men on the apps. Beware.

But here are some obvious signs. The chat picture apps, they want you off that app really quick to put you on a private app. You research them a little bit on social media and their pictures are weird, or they're nowhere to be found on social media with that name. They'll tell you things like, oh, I don't do social media, or, I don't like doing selfies. Maybe he never invites you to his house, even after multiple dates. And his job requires a lot of travel, very irregular communication.

Most of the time, when I hear these stories, it was obvious to me that the guy was married. I'm not sure how it happened, so much of the women being fooled.

Social media flag. Like, if they have a picture of a U.S. flag or a bald eagle or a picture of their truck, and they don't have a picture of their own face, red flag. One, he's married. Two, what kind of guy can't put a picture of himself? Like, you can't handle technology now in this day and age. Do you really want to date a guy with an eagle as his profile pic on Facebook? Is that what you really want?

I don't think so. So if he says he doesn't take selfies, he can't figure it out? He doesn't have any friends to help him take a picture? That's a clue, too. Well, that guy's either married or he's a loser. So walk away from those people. How about that?

Okay, guys, a little behind the curtain information for you. Do you know that women in some towns have Facebook groups to deep dive into men's history and the like? So you better behave.

So, like here in Dallas, there are the women in Dallas, and if they're dating somebody, they have any questions, they'll literally put a picture of him and comments, and people from all over the metroplex will comment and say, oh, I used to date that guy. He's super nice. But guess what? Normally, not that easy. It's normally, oh, he's a jerk. He ghosted me. Or, I found out that guy's married. Or worse than that, he's talking to me right now, too.

So be on your best behavior. They're actually doing some really big things behind our backs, and maybe we ought to do the same thing back, but they're probably a little smarter than we are now.

Let's talk about approaching Christian dating with integrity and authenticity. Hear me out on this one.

Even though I do seek God's wisdom and guidance in the dating journey, this Christianese has become an issue. I don't want to be guilty of using my Christian status to manipulate women looking for a spiritual leader and their next husband.

Let me give you an example. I used to pray before meals when I went out on a date, but I stopped. I stopped doing that, and here's why. I got told almost at 1000%, batting 1000%. No one has ever prayed before.

Well, I thought in my mind it was the perfect scenario to pray and start off relationship. Right? Meaning both acknowledge we're believers, we want to pray. Let's start this relationship on the right foot.

What I found is unknown to me, it became a free check mark on the tally of who Todd is. This guy prays. No one else prays. Oh, I really like this guy. And I thought it felt like a weapon that I had to win someone over, and I stopped doing it.

Doesn't mean I wanted to, but I really felt it was an unfair advantage. It became manipulative.

And so a lot of times Christians judge one another by what books we read, what we listen to, how often we go to church, do we pray ahead of time? And as a man, I just felt it was really just wrong for me to play that card.

Plus, with what I do for a living and working with churches, I feel like I'm already portraying something and that feels really unfair.

Plus, let's talk about this. When is a man your spiritual leader? When does that kick in and how? We're not married yet. I'm not your husband. When am I a leader of anything? You're still a woman, independent, and you're under the covering of God. We've already left our parents, right? A long, long time ago. Now we're independent, so where's our spiritual covering coming from?

And plus, I've been told too Christian, not Christian enough.

Now, once again, maybe I'm not the right guy to tell this story. I work in a very conservative realm of Christianity. Seminaries, churches, ministry organizations. Yet I guess I can be considered a little edgy. Tattoos, long hair. I love some great conversations. I love talking about theology, and I also enjoy a lot of what the world has to offer.

I've been called too Christian. People were scared to date me. I've been called not Christian enough because I don't do the church things as often as some want me to.

But I do know that dating Christians is a lot more complex than just that. There's a lot of matching of theology and, frankly, assumptions of what a Christian life should look like. Meshing is very hard.

There's going to be a lot of swing and misses in your online dating as a Christian, which bleeds directly into this politics.

So many online profiles have this statement: if you voted for Biden, swipe left. I cannot date a Trump supporter.

I met an amazing woman one time. We got along so great. She hated Donald Trump in a way that I had no idea. This is a 30 minutes story, and I won't tell the whole thing, but she once asked me if I supported Trump. I don't even know what that means. In her mind, you're either for him or against him. And I had to sit here and navigate of, well, I don't support this, but I do support this because everything's nuances and details.

It's not as simple as love Trump, hate Biden. I mean, we make it that simple, but it's just not.

There's this interesting survey that came out and it said that back 30 years ago, only 30% of parents had a problem letting their kid date somebody from a different political party. They said as long as that person loved their child, that was okay with them. They wanted the love to rank higher than the political affiliation.

Now, 70% of parents do not want their kids dating anybody of the opposite political party, regardless of love. Doesn't that say a lot about our society?

Don't make me preach right here.

But the Bible is constantly showing us this balance between truth and grace, truth and mercy. And we as people, therefore our churches and our political parties, get this wrong all the time. We swing too far to the right or swing too far to the left.

Too many of us make a mistake of politics and Christianity instead of talking and thinking through why we feel how we feel and challenging our own beliefs and assumptions. And we may leave some great people out of our potential network of friends and of even life partners if we sit here and put a political lens on top of who we may talk to.

It's just not healthy.

True Christianity does guide our worldview and our passion, but the gospel is not politics, nor is it American nationalism. And some of you need to take the time to see that difference.

Okay, so you found somebody cool and funny via messaging and you might be willing to meet?

Well, first date suggestion. Like I mentioned before, video date. The cost and time are too valuable to risk it. You can tell in seconds when somebody walks in the door, starts talking, whether you vibe. You can get online and solve that problem without spending so much money.

I've literally been on a video date and 2 seconds in, 10 seconds in, I already know it's a no. Just by what's in the background. How many cats are in the background? What kind of laugh? Why'd you wear your hair? Did you hold the phone way down here? I'm not marrying somebody I have to look at their chin every time we talk.

Do they have a green light or not? It's judgmental. But you can learn so much. And anybody can be good at texting on the apps. Like I said, I blew one of my first dates, and now I know to just do this.

Why waste time? Why hire babysitters? Why spend the money? Respect people's time.

Guys, I know we pay mostly, and it's very expensive going on a date to have a swing and a miss. But don't forget the women. Sometimes they're hiring babysitters. Makeup isn't cheap. Right? They're putting money into this, too.

It's not just you go out and get somebody to eat with for your meal and you don't have to eat alone. Like, respect the other person's time.

So how do you discern God's will in a potential relationship and with the decision making? I don't know. I mean, I hear that when you know, you know. But here is where I started.

Now, listen, I can't believe I'm going to put this out there like this in the universe, but I'm going to. And I'm doing this because it's in the hopes that it helps somebody listening. I want to role model what I believe is a super healthy exercise.

Right? There's a great saying. I think Chuck Swindoll came up with it. He's the one who told me. And that is, thoughts disentangle themselves over the lips and through the fingertips.

When you say something, when you write it, things make sense.

And so I took time to write a blog that I'm going to share with you. If you're interested, I'll give you the URL that it talks about. Who I am, who I want to be, what I want to be out of a partner, what I want to be to them. And I wrote it. I wrote it down. I wrote it down for me to hear it. I've edited it over the years. It's my north star of dating, and I think it's really healthy to do.

I've actually sent this out to a few people that I was in relationships with. But here's the deal. I think it's important enough that I'm going to put a link to it on toddturner.com. You can go take a look. Not so you can see that I did anything great, but you can get a feel for what. Maybe you could do that exercise, right? Try it yourself.

Don't let 100 word bio limit on a dating app say everything there is to say about yourself and to your potential partner. Write something longer.

Now, I've heard some people say, I don't want to reveal too much on the bio. I want it all to come out organically. I get that. But how many people do you have to spend how much time with in order to find out that you're not or never will be in alignment?

So maybe if they read a little bit about you, a deeper dive, it wouldn't take 30 dates to figure it out that this isn't going to work. If I just would have known that was their life goal right off the beginning. I'm not going to be a missionary in Uganda, and so we're not a thing. Right.

Okay, topic change.

Let's talk about women and red flags. Don't ignore them. And why? Just why?

I feel like too many times I hear women say, I saw these red flags, but listen, if I sniff a red flag, I run. Why stick around for clear red flags?

Well, he said he wouldn't hit me. It was just his ex wife.

I mean, I know he just came out of a divorce, but he seemed really stable.

Like, I know he lives at home, but that's just because his last boss was a jerk.

I know he's a horrible communicator, but he's just been so busy at work.

I mean, come on.

There are some giant differences between red flags and imperfection. We will really unpack this in a different episode. But red flags are red flags. Listen to your close friends, not to your heart. Your heart will lie to you. It just will. Your desire to be in a relationship will put blinders on your eyes.

Red flags are just that. Observe them and act accordingly.

Here are some practical tips and advice I have collected for navigating Christian dating and dating apps.

One, take breaks. It works in cycles. It's super frustrating. But breathe a little bit. It's okay to turn them off. It can be exhausting. I've deleted, hid, blown out all the apps over and over on my phone. Go your speed and realize there's a giant cultural phenomenon happening.

I call it the buffet mentality. No one eats steaks and eggs anymore. We walk to a buffet, we put on what we want on our plate, and we can walk to our table and we'll see somebody come by with shrimp. Like, oh, I didn't know we had shrimp. Get rid of that food. Let me go back and get the shrimp.

There's always that fear of missing out, and I think I can do better. No one just takes the steak and the potatoes to their table anymore, and this is causing a problem. There's always something better out there.

All right, here's something controversial.

No sex. At least for a month. Like, if the person waits on you, they may actually want to get to know you.

Now, 90% of the people listening to this podcast are having sex. Statistically, it's just true. So let's be practical here, folks. I know it's a Christian dating app, and no, we're not supposed to have sex, but guess what? We are.

But I'm telling you, those that are listening, you wonder why you blow through people. Sometimes it's the sex has been brought, the genie is out of the bottle, and if somebody isn't willing to wait to get to know you, they're not willing to wait. That's a great litmus test. Don't have sex early, and your relationships will go a lot better. A lot better.

Have effective communication strategies.

What's up?

What are your weekend plans?

Those are not healthy signs of communication.

Good morning. Hey, cutie.

Get to know each other. See who really leans in with you.

Sporadic little texting is not relationship building. If somebody can't be in a good adult conversation, offer to have a video date with you and get to know you. They're not your person.

And listen, culture matters. Not race. Culture.

I tell my kids this all the time. I really don't care about the race you date. I don't think it matters. But culture does matter.

I'm going to give you a story of two white people that I know of. One was from Ireland, where it's wet and cold, and the other was from Arizona. They met in college, and they got married, and they moved back to Ireland. Well, back for him, not for her. She was miserable. She didn't know people. She didn't like the food, and quite frankly, she didn't like being wet.

And they moved because of the strain they put on their marriage. They moved back to Arizona, and guess who was unhappy there? The guy.

This has nothing to do with race. This is culture. They grew up in different cultures, and it was a lot harder to mesh than they would ever thought. Because when you're in love, you think love conquers all.

Beware of culture, of the person you're dating and who and what they are and what their family is, because those are really hard to mesh sometimes.

To navigate this stage of singleness, you must understand the importance of patience, trust, and surrendering to God's timing in the dating process.

Now, I want to end where we began today. Most all of you listening need more work on yourself before you get out there.

If you are not in regular counseling or have never been, I venture to say you are not ready. You aren't healthy enough to date. Seriously, take time to heal. It will make everything else go way smoother later.

Also, as negative and time consuming and frustrating as online dating can be, do have fun. I'm a big believer in testing and training your relationship muscles.

We'll talk more about dating and finding your next partner in a future episode. This one was more of the navigating dating apps episode and to throw warning shots away.

If you want to see what my personal dating manifesto looks like and maybe consider writing something for yourself, just go to toddturner.com/divorce and tell a friend about this podcast. It really helps when you subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

So if you want more help with your online dating, maybe your profiles or to go look at my dating manifesto that I put up, go to toddturner.com/divorce where you can get more things to help you on your singleness journey, your divorce journey. Maybe you are ready to date and let's just go a little bit deeper.

All right, blessings. See you soon.