Christian Dating Debunked: Rethinking Compatibility in Faith

Join Todd Turner on the UnYoked Podcast as we dive deep into the timeless quest for love and connection in Episode 13, "Finding Your Next Forever Partner." Whether you're starting anew after a Christian divorce or looking to refine your approach to dating, this episode is packed with provocative insights and advice tailored for the modern Christian single. Let's explore the timestamps:

- [00:07:30] The surprising truth about men's pursuit and women's independence in relationships.

- [00:13:45] A critical analysis of the three types of men in the dating game.

- [00:18:50] Todd's take on emotional connections and the sex-emotion dynamic.

- [00:25:40] Insightful promotion of "Unyoked Choices" - a guide through wise divorce decisions.

- [00:32:00] The importance of being "equally yoked" and authenticity in Christian partnerships.

- [00:38:25] How to create a plan for dating and marriage that aligns with your faith and values.

- [00:44:50] A cautionary tale about aligning on key lifestyle aspects before saying "I do".

- [00:50:35] Recognizing red flags and trusting your instinct for a healthier relationship.

- [00:58:10] The role of culture and lifestyle in finding the right partner.

Transcript

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To support the Unyoked podcast and to help others. Please subscribe and rate right now. And if this resource is helpful, please tell a friend. Now let's get started. The Unyoke podcast navigating the pain process and possibilities after a christian divorce. You so you're willing to try again. The pain is lessened and you're finding your single legs and you're ready to invest into a deep relationship. The risky but rewarding process of letting your guards down and putting in the tough work of loving and committing to a forever partner. Well, not everybody listening has the same road to walk. It's not easy to find that next person. Our age matters to how hard this is. All our listeners are in various seasons of lives. Some have kids, some are without kids. Some have very young children in the house. Some have no children. Some of us are empty nesters. And we all have various hurdles to overcome with this goal to find our next I think the older you are, the more considerations you have. And that's sort of hard because you're in a deeper, rutted rhythm of life, and sometimes you have family complexities. I know those of you with young kids are probably thinking, we have it tougher. But wait till you had grandkids. Wait till you had problems of teenagers and young 20 year olds. And the more people you have, the wider the tree, the more problems that you have. So as you get older, their problems are big problems. I know had a guy one time who's a friend of mine, he was already an infestor by the time I was having little kids, and I came in and complained one time, I was like, oh, my kids are costing so much money. He goes, do you have $1 problems? He goes, when you're older, you have problems with commas in them. Little kids want to borrow a quarter. Older kids want to borrow a dollar or $5. Teenagers want to borrow 20s, wait till they're in college, wait till they're young, 20s. Every time your kids come to you, it's thousands of dollars of problems. You just don't know how good you have it till you go a little bit further. But the older you are, the more complex it is to bring somebody in to your problems and or just life issues. Blending life is really hard. It becomes harder as you know yourself. When you're younger, you sometimes don't fully know yourself. And if you put in the work and you're a healthy person and you get to know your idiosyncrasies, your defense mechanisms, which, by the way, not all defense mechanisms are bad. Sometimes we use it as a bad word. Some are very good and very healthy. Some aren't. Going to counseling lets you know the difference. You learn the difference of which ones are good boundaries and which ones are bad defense mechanisms. But once you sort of find your rhythm of life and know yourself, that's when you can find somebody else. We're all products of wounds and trauma and life. And no matter whether you're 20 year old or 50, women have trust issues. At any age. Starting when you're young and started dating to when you're older, there's a trust issue. And men really have leadership issues which where the trust issues come from. And it's really interesting how we both butt that problem butts up against each other. We're going to go much deeper of that here a little bit later. But frankly, many of us are really never really ready, and we waste a lot of people's time. The old saying, hurt people, hurt people. And when you're not ready, you're just in this dating cycle that leads to nowhere. I actually looked at somebody's online profile one time. They said something I thought was very interesting. Not only is a great profile, but certainly she was a great theologian. She goes in the bio. When you say, here's what I like. I like skiing, and I like wine and patios and live music and all the things you say. All her said was, please be better than me being alone. That's all she said. And I thought, wow, what a concept. That I have a good life, and if you don't bring something better to it, then I'd rather be alone. Thought, wow, what an interesting way to look at things. I actually agree with it, but I don't know if I'd use it for my bio. Work on yourself, then come to the table. Come to the dating apps. Start dating. Get healed. If you're wondering. If you are, you might want to listen to the previous episode. The whole episode is about counseling and healing from your trauma and from things that have gone on in your life, not just your divorce. What I also find interesting is that by the time you're healed, by the time you get your single legs, do you even need anybody? Many people want someone because they think that will fix their problems. That's actually part of the problem, is go get your legs, learn who you are, work on your issues, and by the time you find you're happy, you're not necessarily needy. And what generally happens, not all the time. I'm not God. I'm not. Notradamus is by the time you're healed and looking good, feeling good, making good decisions, that's when you're very attractive. I've been told over and over that people say by the time I finally settled into my single list, that's when I got married. I'm like, well, of course, because that's when you look the most attractive. When you have your stuff together, you're a magnet. We'll talk about that here in a minute as well. So here's an issue that I find I'm just fascinated with, and that is independent women. Now, please, let's don't get into the theology of submissive. And wives submit to their husbands, but it is going to play into this conversation a little bit. Women, christian women, have this issue, and that is, I believe it's in their nature. And I also believe that the Bible, it's not like a commandment. I know some women hear the word submit and they just walls up. So if you're one of those people, give me a minute to walk through this. God's rules aren't here rules to go follow. And then you're like, well, that's not how life works. No, God created the rules. He created life. He knows what works best. I think women are wired a certain way or men are wired a certain way. So for the sake of this discussion, this idea of coming out of a submissive type relationship, and then now you are totally in charge of your own life. You are independent. You make your own decisions. You make your own budget, you run your own household. Dating someone is really tough. When does your role change and what would make it change? It's a complex topic. I talked to somebody the other day, and they were knee deep into a class, into a book. And what they were studying is the roles of men and women biblically versus culturally. Like, what? Men are masculine, women are feminine. What does that look like? And what does that look like in the Bible? If men are more the chaser and women like being chased, right. How do you deal with that? How should that look when the Bible doesn't have a whole chapter on, here's how dating and courting works, right? And so women, I think sometimes, well, I'm jumping way the deep end on this, but women, sometimes, some of you not saying all women, some of you get stuck in your head and you overanalyze relationship. Oh, this guy way didn't call me on Tuesday, but should I call him back? And I need to do everything perfect, and I got to dress up, I got to look a certain way and you're in your head and you get tired. You're going to get tired. You are tired. Even if it's subconsciously you're tired. And it's because you're living in the role of the chaser versus being chased. But courting, I do get frustrated. I've seen churches talk about this. I've had friends talk about it. They talk about a man should blank, a woman should blank. But courting has looked very different throughout the years and throughout different cultures. It's frustrating because we live in a world where the guy, you invite your girl to this dance and this dance, but she's going to invite you to this dance, and then here's how you wear and you open the door. But there's other cultures that the mom and dad pick your wife and your husband. I have a friend who literally was. Her marriage was arranged and she said she cried herself to sleep that night. But she's been married for 30 years. She said she loves her husband. That is not an american thing that happened overseas. Right. But they're believers. And so the Bible is not very clear because I think it knows through culture and times that there's going to be various ways to navigate engagement, getting married, being married. They all look different. And so as Americans, I think sometimes we make too many assumptions about what something should look like. A guy should pay for this and a girl should. Whatever. I don't know what the answer is other than there's a lot of assuming pursuing can look different. But I will say there is a lack of pursuit. I think the women in their independence sometimes become the pursuer, which makes the men not the pursuer, and that leads to problems as well. I'm going to get into that here in a second. So what the exercise becomes is when do you need to be independent, and when can you turn that on and when can you turn it off? It's pretty hard. But here's a trick. Women, all right, I'm a guy. So the women are going to have a little bit of advantage here. Put your energy into becoming the best you find your groove, your vibe, your energy, then you are going to become naturally magnetic to a certain life and to the people around you that will be magnetic when people see you becoming your best. When you spend your energy looking for a spouse, going on dates, spending so much time pursuing your partner, that actually pushes people off, and you may not know it. Some of you are working really hard to find your mate versus working on yourself. And let's go back to the men are aggressors you have three people you have to sort of weed out and figure out. Ladies, the first guy is lazy, bored, uninterested. He's not pursuing at all. Right? Then there is the false charge guy, the hippo. The guy who they say hippos do a false charge. I like to know who the first guy who figured that out was. Like, I'd be running, but if they see you run, they'll keep going. But if you stand firm, a hippo will charge and stop. That. Second group of guys, they're going to love bomb. They're going to come on quick, and then they're going to stop. It's fake. It does not last. Then there's the constant drip guy, the guy who really is interested to get to know you. He'll take his time, and you will see him pursuing you. What happens is you say you're looking for the constant drip guy, but you're more infatuated with the false charge guy. And some of you even tolerate the lazy, board, uninterested people. You're so desperate or so naive that you put up with that. To me, your whole job is to find out who's the false charger and who's the constant drip person. So some of you are going through all three, and it's just insane. Here's what I suggest you do. Do an inventory of all your dates last year or your significant ones. What effort did they put in? Think about. Think about their style of text. Think about their phone calls. Think about how often they took you out, came over, invited you somewhere. What did you offer? What did you do to hook them, if anything? Or how much effort did you put in, and were they responding to your effort? Did they put out effort even when you didn't do an inventory? You're going to learn a little bit about what kind of guys that you're allowing in your circle and which one you're pulling in your circle. Learn not to waste time. Learn to self invest and clear out that american culture energy. And learn to be the natural woman that God created you to be. Don't play this dating game. Don't do it. It's really exhausting. And I'm going to go back just a second because it really does bother me. I tell women this all the time. Don't put too much energy to anything a man says early on in a relationship. Men are microwaves. Women are crock pots. Men can turn it on in a second, and they can turn it off in a second. I think that works with personality. Think it works with sexuality, and women take a while to warm up. But then once you're warm, you're warm and you can turn that crock pot off and it still has heat because you guys take longer and you last longer. Men turn things off and you're like, well, how come he doesn't call me back? Well, they've already moved on. They've already moved on. And you take a little bit longer to turn on, the microwave will be on and off before you even warm up. And by the time you start warming off, if they pull away, you get crushed. We're just different. I'm going to jump a little bit ahead here in my notes because it feels like it fits right here. I heard a saying this week, and it said this once again, if you're a Christian and listening, just give me some grace here. Men will give emotion for sex. Women will give sex for emotion. Let's take a quick break. Are you facing the challenging crossroads of divorce? I bet you know of someone who is. Well, now there's a resource for your shelf. Maybe for you, maybe for a friend. Unyoked choices the Christian Handbook for Divorce decisions, a book for those in need. Buy one for you or for a friend? Navigate the divorce decision and the execution of unyoking with wisdom, strength, and confidence. Available now in paperback and kindle only 899. Order your copy today. Visit toddturner.com books. Unyotechoices because these decisions matter. Great concept. It's the idea that a man will say or do anything, or he'll get it out of his uncomfort zone just to get what he wants. And a woman will want that emotion, that intimacy, and they'll give up sex to get it. Here's another way to say that men will fake love to get sex. Women will fake sex to get love. Same idea. It behooves us to find out, especially you women, what kind of guy this is. Is it real? Like a guy can lie, he can bs, he can manipulate, only so long, and then he'll move on. The guy who drips. This is why you have the old argument about nice guys finishing last, because that's the guy who says, I'm here for the drip. I'm actually giving you what you want, but I'm not cool enough. I don't have enough hair. I'm not a doctor. I'm not all the things that you say. You want that love, but you keep going to the guy who's doing the false charging over and over again, and the good guy is like, I was here for the long haul. Very interesting. Right. All right, side note, moving on. Also in looking for your next person is being equally yoked. We call this the un yoked podcast. The idea of unyoking two bulls or two cows pulling on a yoke and you pull off and you're left alone. But the Bible tells us to be equally yoked. It means christians marry christians. But, man, I'm going to stop down here. What is a Christian? Well, I know what one is, but what isn't a Christian? Like, I have found so many people online who say they're Christians until things get biblical, until what the Bible says matters, in discussions with people who say they're Christians. It's so funny. The phrase, well, I think is never good theology. That's not where theology comes from. Well, I think this. I know the Bible says this, but I think this. I've talked to people who like, well, I don't really read the Bible or the Bible says this, but here's what I've found. I just got to say something like, this is really weird. How can you be a Christian if you don't believe the Bible? I know that sounds sort of like a rhetorical question, but I mean it. Like, think about this. There's a guy named Jesus who the Old Testament points to. He refers to the Old Testament all the time. He fulfills the Old Testament. He says he is the son of God. He says, I am the only son of God, the only way to the father through me. I am the way, the truth, the life. How can you be a Christian if you don't believe that? Like, you're not a Christian because you're a Buddhist or not a Buddhist, and you're not a Christian because you're not a Muslim. You're a Christian because you believe Jesus is who he says he is, and you don't know what that is if it wasn't for the Bible. Like, if the Bible is true, Jesus is the son of God. If you don't even believe in the Bible, how in the world, how are you a Christian? Who is Jesus to you? A fictional character that just loves people. And it was pretty just. I'm going to sound like a Bible thumping right winger on this, but I'm just logic. Logic. How could I say I'm a Buddhist if I don't know anything about buddhist theology, if I haven't read anything, like the Bible's true or it's not, Jesus is the son of God or it's not. So I get frustrated when I see people say they're Christians and then you push them on anything and they don't know the first thing about the gospel, the good news, how we're saved. And many people's theology is like, oh, a good work. Well, I'm a good person. Like, I've never killed anybody. I'm a good person. I'm going to get in. Oh, and they're good people, so they're going to get in, too. But they don't believe in Jesus. Well, yeah, but they're good people. Well, then what's a Christian if everybody's getting in? You see what? It's just. It's so frustrating to me that we live in a place that cultural Christianity is outnumbering people who truly believe in the Bible. And the Bible's message is nothing but Jesus. I mean, the Bible voiced Jesus. Jesus voiced the Bible. It's a circle. You've got to have it all. You can't believe in Jesus's good works if you don't believe in who he says he is. So anyway, it's so frustrated. That's a rabbit trail. But my point is, you really have to do your homework. Be careful. When somebody just says, I'm a Christian, you're like, okay, well, I'm dating a Christian. No, you got to have really tough conversations. And, man, I've been burned both ways. Sometimes you come right off the bat with your theological gauntlet and you run somebody off. I've done that. And then other times you let somebody in and you assume, and then you finally have some conversation, you're like, you're not even a believer. Oh, no. It's frustrating. Okay. Also, I use the word christian culture, but I'm also used the word culture. I think these both tie together. Culture matters. I told my kids one time, we were talking about race and dating outside your race, and here was my argument to them. I said, I don't care. I don't care what color, height, whatever you date. If someone loves you, you love them. You all both love the Lord. I'm okay with that. But I'm going to warn you of something. Culture matters. And you could have different cultures within your race, and you can have different cultures outside your race. And when you don't have the same culture, you're going to have problems. I think I've told this before in one of my podcasts, but I know a couple. They were white. One was raised in a desert in America, and one was raised in another country, Ireland, I believe it was. And he didn't fit in here. And she didn't fit in there, and they had a real problem with it. They moved. Oh, I don't feel like I'm at home. These aren't my cultures, these aren't my habits. I don't understand this language and these traditions. And he's like, I don't understand anything you're doing. And I hate peppers and I hate 100 degree weather. Right. Finding people who are like you matters. And that actually works in the church. If you say, we're both Christians and one of you is assembly of God and one's a Nazarene, one's a Baptist, and one's a nondenominational, that's not all the same thing. There are nuances between denominations, and there are nuances between the beliefs system. And I know that there's essentials and there's the rings of what's essential and not essential. The problem is each denomination moves those rings. And so good conversations to find out if somebody is a christian, what their culture is, and even what their christian culture is, and their rhythm of what church life looks like for them can be a real differentiator. And you really need to think about that. Your lifestyle matters. Health, finances, your friend groups, your work calendar, all those things matter. And you need to look for someone that fits within your lifestyle and your culture. And some people say there's rules with finances. Like pretty Woman. Right? That's a movie, by the way. Right? Certain lifestyles don't fit. They do in movies, but they don't in real life. This sounds horrible. If you live in a trailer and you have a minimum wage job and somebody makes $400,000 and they're a member of a golf club, you probably don't have a lot in common. And I'm not saying that means you can't date, but I'm just going to say you don't have a lot. You've never been to a tractor pool, and they've never been to a fancy tuxedo dinner, either. And it sounds fun and it's funny on a movie. In real life, those are really hard to navigate, and they're hard to navigate over time. I've noticed with myself when it comes to dating, that I am really hard to date. I'm taking a concept we talked about a minute ago, and that is once you find who you are and you get your legs, you get busy, you get into habits. I used to sit in my house and have the fear of missing out. What am I going to do? It's Friday night. I have nothing to do like, let me go call my buddies or let me go out and find something. And now I'm way more content at being at home or yoga or reading a book or doing nothing right. I have my rituals of, I go on my boat or I go to soccer games, but I'm always busy. I'm flying for my work. I'm flying for travel just on my own. I have family who flies in, luckily for me, very consistently. And time is just blowing by, like every month I have stuff to do. And I've been told by women, you're hard to date because it's hard to make them feel like a priority, because I already have priorities in my life. It's attention, and I'm assuming everyone runs into this. I've been told I have a very unique speed of life and rhythm of life that makes mine a little bit different, but it is hard. I find it a challenge. And I've dated people who I felt like I could never break through their life because they are always with their kids, they're always going to their concerts, they always have their vacations coming up. I'm like, how do I even fit into theirs? And how do they fit into mine? It's really tough. That's what I was saying. It's tough as you get older, because your ruts get deeper, your friend groups get smaller, and you learn who you are, and you learn where you want to spend time, and that's tough. And then, of course, who you date. My sister told me that my sister and I are very tight, like best friends for decades a day. I bet I can count on one hand how many times we've really fought. I mean, we poke all the time. That's part of our love, language and humor. But we love each other and would die for one another. We would do anything for one another. But my sister said something to me, and I really had to chew on it and struggle with it a little bit. Because when you marry somebody, even as an empty nester, it's not like you don't have to consider your kids. You have to consider their kids, and you have to consider what holidays and vacations look like. But my sister and her family are integrated with mine. And she told me, she goes, just make sure whoever you bring in is like minded. Can we talk about politics at our table? I don't want you to bring somebody who's so different than the ethos of our family that we can no longer have conversation without worrying about offending them. Like, oh, well, they don't like this. They don't believe in this. I struggle because I'm like, I actually don't want somebody who thinks exactly like me. I want someone who has different opinions, who will challenge me. Don't want somebody who's dug in. I want somebody who's like me. Like, oh, I know where I stand, but I'll listen to a good argument. And if you present something good, I'll consider it, because I know I don't bat 1000 into everything. When it comes to politics, theology, there's a lot of things I'm open to. So I want somebody who's not necessarily the same. I want somebody who's locked step, but I want somebody who can articulate their thoughts and they know why they believe what they believe in. Right. So how do you find that person? Well, getting to know somebody takes time. Go back to that false charge, don't find somebody false charge. Find somebody who drips and is consistent. Well, that takes a lot of time to see how that person shows up in different situations. And then are they consistent with their answers? If you ask them a question and six months later you ask them the same question, do they shoot from the hip? Is it consistent with what they said or did they grow in their answer? That takes a lot of time to spend time with somebody. Significant time. Now, the other thing I remember in one of our episodes, we talked about the blog post that I wrote that some of you have commented on, and that is where I wrote down who I am and what I'm looking for. The argument here, a goal, a dating goal, a marriage goal without a plan, is just a wish. I wish I get married. I hope I find my soulmate. But what work have you done? What are your red flags? What are your deal breakers for your future partners? What are the qualities you prefer in others? What are methods and styles of communication that you do and don't jive with? Right. Are you okay with somebody who's currently raising children or do you need an empty nester? Why? What are you looking for? So find an updated version of your type, factoring in your current age and whether or not you want a serious relationship, or how do you feel about dating somebody who's dating other people? Right? Do they want kids? Do they not want kids? There's so many things that you could do. So writing all that out is wonderful because it helps you not swipe on the guy who always an orthodontist and he looks greater. Look at that girl. Looks like she has a cabin in Colorado. I think I'm going to swipe right on her. Stop. Does that person already with their pictures and their bio already scream no. Like, specifically, if I'm at an age, not everybody's this age. I'm at an age where I look at somebody and they have a small kid, I'm like, I have to make decisions. Is that a grandkid or a kid? If it's a grandkid, I'll swipe right. If it's a kid, I'm swiping left. That's not my season of life. I don't date people with younger kids. That's just mine. That's where I feel comfortable. I have my reasons. And once again, I know girls of their 20s with kids, and they'll date all the way up to 50 or 60, and it's why? Because they're looking for somebody to help support them, and they're looking for somebody stable in their life, and they'll date outside their range. Right? So put in that exercise. Spend time writing down and knowing who you are, therefore who you want in your space. These apps are really, really tough. They're not real. The effort level it takes to do that, right. There is nothing. It's a waste of time. There's so many times you start conversations, women go back to that conversation we had 20 minutes ago, and that is, there's the guy who's lazy. He'll swipe, won't even engage. There's the guys who will engage and love bomb you for those first three dates and tell you he loves you. I can't believe people say that that early, but they do. And then there's the guy who's really interested and willing to drip. But the problem is you guys can't tell, especially if you're gorgeous. You have such a long line of guys, you can't tell the difference, which is another reason not to be on the apps, because it's so much energy wasted. It's probably not where to find somebody. So how do you know how to find somebody just like you? Here's your answer. Ready? Go be you. Go be the person you are, then see who's around. Those are people like you. Go be you. You say you like yoga instead of putting on the app, I like yoga. And put guy swipes because he likes yoga. Go to yoga class. The guy next to you, he likes yoga. Right? Go do this. You like church. You want to find a good christian? Go to church. See who's around. You like be you and look around. That's where you'll find people like you. Not in theory, not the guy who says he likes walking and Pina coladas and wine and whatever, like, go to a patio, watch live music. And the guys around you, they like patios and live music. Not that hard, right? You want somebody who's interested in missions, go on a mission trip. See who's right next to you. You want somebody who likes traveling, go on a trip. Library. You like someone to read, go to library. Sports, photography, go to classes, dance classing, cooking classes. Anything that you want to pursue further, go deep, dive in, see who's in the building. Chances are you got a shot. And you also find out whether you vibe or not. You don't have to go through 50 text conversations to know, I think that guy's pretty cute, man, that girl, I like her vibe. You can know like that if you're in a room with them. Think about your commitment styles. Think about whether they're ready for marriage or not. Or looking for marriage. What would that look like? Don't assume. Talk those things out and you have a real chance. I have a friend. I don't think she listens to this podcast, so I'm going to tell her story without her name. She married a guy. She married a guy that looked good on paper. It was a fast date. Pursuing engagement marriage, in theory. All her friends liked him. She liked his friends. It all sounded wonderful. She got into the house and she was thinking, what are we going to do with all my stuff and your stuff? Apparently, that was not discussed fully. His argument was, well, we're moving sooner or later. This has put all your stuff in storage. Like all red flag. One, she comes to the refrigerator thinking, okay, this is our refrigerator now. I guess I need to go grocery shopping. And he had a fourth of the refrigerator cut out. He goes, that's for your stuff. Problem number two, same thing with the closet. Here's your part of the closet. And all this was like, my stomach hurt when she told me this. And then it got worse. Money. It was, well, you buy your daughter's dress for that. I'm not buying her dress. You go spend that money on your kids. But his kid got everything. Her kid got nothing. She was responsible for that. But they're married, they're a partner, and he drew the line. Well, guess what? These are kind of things that need to be talked about ahead of time. And I know sometimes you say, well, when you're married and you're in love, you'll work these things out. Well, when you're young and naive, you work them out. But when you're older, we're smart enough to ask these questions. And sometimes these are hard because I don't think anybody I dated I'd ever ask them how much percentage of the fridge I get, how are we going to work out the closet. But it's this mindset of, who are you? How do you see life? And we got a lot to do, which is why it's so hard. The older you get, the harder it is to get married. When you're younger, you'll work it out. It's just harder when people are in their ruts. Okay, here's a little one. You can email me and tell me I'm a chauvinist pig. But women, not all of you, many of you. Why do you all ignore red flags? That's why they're called red flags. When a guy is screaming, has a problem, don't think you can fix it. Think, oh, no. Like, let him go work on himself. If he's not going to work on himself, then he can just stay single the rest of his life. Y'all should band together and just say, yeah, that guy is a narcissist. Stay away from him. That guy has anger issues. Like when a guy goes, when he screams at the guy in the car in front of him, when he's rude to the waiter, but he's not rude to you. Like, oh, he has anger issue, but he won't do that to me. Yes, he will. Yes, he will. Almost all the time. Women break up. My friends that are women that break up with somebody, they'll tell me the story and they're not even through the first two sentences. I'm like, why didn't you leave right there? Why didn't you leave right there? You should have known. And they all say, yeah, I should have caught that. Well, I wanted, whatever. Stop it. Trust your gut on that, right? Somebody says, I'm not a heavy drinker, but they are. You see, I'm not angry, but I holler at everybody. Go, look at how men treat their mothers, their sisters, their daughters, their employees, their waiters. Then trust your gut. They're not going to treat you much different. They may at first, you may get a little bit of better behavior at first when they got the mask on. But when things come out, that's when it's going to get really bad and the truth is going to get revealed. While I'm digging a hole for myself, I'm going to dig another one. I don't understand this. It's one of the questions I'm going to ask. Jesus besides, how do all the animals get on the ark? How do the sloths make it all the way to the ark? I'm still confused by that. Just don't understand it. But here's the other question I'm going to ask you. What is this about women in 6th sense? So many times I hear about women and their intuition, but yet you all are wrong. And I'm not saying you're wrong because I disagree with you. I will tell the same story to four different women, and all four women will tell me, oh, no, this is the case. Oh, no, trust me, we know. But I don't tell you all. You all disagree with one another. It's not me you disagree with. You disagree with one another, and every one of you go to your grave thinking, I know how to read people. I have a 6th sense. I'm a woman. But when I compare all the women's stories back, they're all different. So I say, trust your gut, but be really careful, because sometimes you lead with your feelings and not facts, which is why we have the problem with the red flags, and it creates problems. So I say, trust your gut, but also say, challenge your instinctual desire to rely on your gut. And your gut may just be a feeling, not what I would call gut. And that is use a little bit of logic and call a spade a spade. Right? Makes sense. Right. So here's the bottom line. You will never find anyone of value if you are not of value. When you are stable, you attract healthy. And if you're unhealthy, the opposite of that is if you're unhealthy, you attract unhealthy and it creates even more chaos. Right. So work on yourself. If you want somebody significant in your life, work on yourself. Put down your boundaries. Use some of the principles that I mentioned here today before you lean in. Now then, for some of you are in bad relationships or because you're going to be better at telling people, go kick a can, go kick dirt. What happens when the conversation you're in, the relationship you're in, doesn't go well, how do you break up? Well, let me tell you something. This was man my year, one of being single after divorce. I had a girl I talked to briefly, had a great conversation. She sent me a text. It was gut punching and brilliant at the same time. I was an english major with a writing minor, so I appreciate good use of words. So even though I was crushed, I was like, that is really good communication skills. So here's basically what she said. She not only said I'm not interested. She used a phrase like, I am no longer interested in communication. And I thought, what a great use of words because it implies I'm not interested and don't text me back. I don't need to talk about it. Don't make me unpack it. I'm telling you, I don't need to be communicated with anymore. And I thought that is a brilliant way to do that. So it's okay to send a text of thanks so much for the nice time the other night. Unfortunately, I just didn't feel the connection I'm looking for. But I wish you nothing but the, you know, I'm no longer interested in communicating further that says even more like, let's don't be Facebook friends. Let's don't even be friends. Let's don't go to the friend zone. Let's not ask me why or can you tell me what I could do to work on myself? That would be really wonderful. Yeah, we don't need any of that. So learn that skill as well. Get people out of your life. I'm not saying you can't have good friendships. Trust me, I am friends with so many people that I dated because I'm a grown adult and I know how to communicate and I know that person may not be the person for me, or in my case, I'm not in a place to really seriously date right now, but we can be friends and so it's okay. But there's some people like, no. Your personality, your energy, your whatever does not need to be in my circle. And I'm cutting it out. Being an intentional dater, that is totally fine. I hope you enjoyed this episode. As you know, you can go to toddturner.com divorce for plenty of resources to help you along your divorce recovery journey. Really getting your single legs as a Christian and what it will take to live a happy, productive, God centered life. Blessings. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for listening to the Unyoked podcast with me, Todd Turner. This was originally planned to be a limited 17 episode podcast, navigating the major milestones after the divorce. Well, the feedback and needs were too great, and now I'm going to dive deeper into each episode. But with a female cohost, we are excited to help further the conversations into divorce recovery and gaining healthy single legs as a Christian. But would you do us a favor as we prepare our topics and episodes? Please go to toddturner.com contact and give us feedback on the podcast specific episodes topics you wish were addressed. We would love to hear from you. Then after that, please rate and review this podcast. You might not know how important that is to help grow the popularity and the reach of this resource for thousands of people who need it and don't even know it exists. Rate, subscribe, share all of it. But let's start with go to toddturner.com contact and let me hear from you. I read every single email that comes in blessing.