Prayer & Parenting: How to Co-Parent Like a True Christian Warrior

Join host Todd Turner on the UnYoked Podcast, Episode 9, aptly titled [Edgy Title], as we delve into the heart and soul of Christian co-parenting after divorce. Todd shares his experienced insights on maintaining a child-centric approach despite the whirlwind of post-marital challenges. He uncovers the key to amicable relations with your ex-spouse and offers actionable advice for keeping the peace and prioritizing your little ones.

[00:01:40] Discover Todd's personal journey through divorce and how Micah 6:8 guides him in his co-parenting strategy.

[00:03:15] Todd lays down the golden rules of co-parenting, from communicating respectfully to ensuring consistency for the kids.

[00:05:20] Learn about the resilience of prayer in overcoming single-parent struggles and how Todd's faith has been his anchor through tumultuous times.

[00:07:30] Episode 9 brings a big announcement: the UnYoked podcast series, initially set for 17 episodes, will now continue with fresh perspectives from a female co-host, diving deeper into divorce recovery and single living as a devoted Christian.

[00:09:45] Todd invites listeners to be active community members, giving feedback on episodes and sharing their personal stories of navigating co-parenting waters.

Transcript

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To support the Unyoked podcast and to help others. Please subscribe and rate right now. And if this resource is helpful, please tell a friend. Now let's get started. The Unyoke podcast navigating the pain, process. And possibilities after a christian divorce, you, divorce is brutal. I often talk about the ripple effect, which feels like a tsunami waves on our lives post divorce facts sometimes in managing our crisis of our marriage, we just can't even see far down the road. We just can't fully know all the life changes coming our way. In today's episode, it's a topic that you just can't really imagine when you're married. How do you coparent? When both sexes live out of the same house, they have broken relationships, various parenting styles, and even sometimes divorce decrees that affect how we are able and how often we parent, all the while trying to raise God fearing, mentally healthy children in a world that wants to misproritize their hearts, it's hard enough to parent with two on the same page, husbands and wives. But now, sprinkling conflict and sporadic parenting, we have a higher hill to climb. Add anger, bitterness, infighting, and additional players like a new spouse or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or influencers from the know, Aunt Sally and that lady at your Sunday school. Now your parenting styles are no longer moderated and morphed for the kids sake, and you have a recipe for some challenges for parents, but even worse, tough, inconsistent parenting for the children. We talked in previous episodes about the effect of divorce on children, but in this episode it's for the next level discussion, the coparenting angle. It's critical now. Not every divorce is the same. Some of you are blessed to have good moms and dads parenting your children, even though they may have been poor spouses, right? Many of you have a dumpster fire lifestyle happening on the other side of marriage, and you may feel the need to carry the slack of the other poor parent. Joint custody arrangements can be exhausting, infuriating, and fraught with stress, especially if you have a contentious relationship with your ex partner. You may feel concerned about your ex their parenting abilities. You may be stressed about child support or other financial issues. You feel worn down by conflict, and you think you're never going to be able to overcome all the resentments from your past relationship. Making shared decisions, interacting with each other at drop offs, or just speaking to a person that you would rather forget all about makes it seem like an impossible task to coparent. Well for the sake of your kid's well being, though, it is possible for you to overcome coparenting challenges and develop a cordial working relationship with your ex. Hopefully some of these tips and some lenses we're going to put on you can remain calm, stay consistent, and resolve conflicts to make your joint custody work and enable your kids to thrive. Some of you listening are all alone. Some of you have friends and family stepping up in big ways right now. My sister and her family, they carried a lot. They helped love and support my children while I was in the aftermath of dissolving my marriage. You know the part post marriage where you just don't know who has what? Who's getting the school supplies, who do the kids text when they're going to be home late on Tuesday? Do we set up a joint text group from soccer practice? Corporal does your friend hate me now? Will she be texting me directly or you? Am I staying in the small group at church? Do I need to quit? I wonder if I can get our mission trip money back, that deposit? Yeah, all the messes that killing a marriage creates sometimes co parenting isn't just homework, driving to practices, running to Walmart for glue and colored pencils. It's the pillow talk, the pondering, the game planning, the praying. That element is often gone post divorce. Discussing the weak patterns in our children's behavior, their needs, their goals, family plans, the things good parents should be doing. As single parents, we're not just navigating our own issues. We should be focused on our children's needs. But with the other parent. If we don't get our act together, our kids get chewed out twice for bad grades, grounded twice, or even issues aren't even addressed at all. We assume the other parents got it, and our kids change their behavior per parent and we just engage with a chameleon who's adapting to our mess. I've thought about this a lot, how to discuss this topic. It's so hard because the situation of each listener right now is so different. Some of you are fresh out of a divorce, some of you are years down the road, some have horrible relationships with your ex, some are very cordial. Some live literally next door to each other, and you try to have a great coparenting relationship. Some of your exes are remarried and the issue is not with them, but with their new spouse. Some of you have a spouse in town who with frequent visitations. Some live out of state, some have full custody, some have 50 50. Some of you rarely get to see your kids and you're bitter about it all. Some of you have one child, some have a full house of kids. Some have babies, some have teenagers, some have full on adults and a mix of all the above. We are all in various situations, yet we have some things in common. So let's start there. For 99% of us, the day we birthed our children, we never imagined that that child would have to endure a broken home. When we dedicated our lives to raising them in a stable, christian home, we had no idea that we'd be doing it under two roofs. Our promises to our kids did not die with the paperwork of divorce, and our ex wife or ex husband did not cease being mom or dad. Now let me insert something for a handful of you. Some of you have an ex straight out of the pit of hell. The reason for your divorce may actually make you question my last statement. Your ex literally is a horrible, selfish human being who is a horrible, selfish parent. And you struggle knowing how to walk that line between letting your child have a relationship with their mom or dad while protecting your child's health and emotions. What a sad, bad situation. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. You want to see Todd Turner cry? Let me tell you something. I'm embarrassed, but I'll be honest. Fresh Prince of Bel Air there's an episode. Where is it, will? Whatever. Fresh prince. His father comes to visit him and he's been living a life of broken promises to him. And he comes in and he had told him to pack and they were going a trip together and he came in and broke it. And let me tell you, if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, go YouTube it. It crushes my soul. And I didn't come from divorced parents. When I see that episode, it just makes me ball. I think I've seen it three times and I cry all three times. Fresh Prince dad, broken promises. It kills me. But Uncle Phil came in and chewed the dad out and that's the part I loved about it. There are some people like Uncle Phil that need to step up and get people to act right. Frankly, that's the purpose of this podcast and this episode. I hope this episode gets shared a thousand times and people grow. They look in the mirror at some of these issues. So let's do a little house cleaning. If you were forwarded this episode, don't think that your ex is aiming at you. They too learn something and plan on making some changes as well. This isn't about you, your history, or tit for tat. It's about your child, your children. This is about swallowing your pride improving how we parent, how we treat one another. And if you want to listen to the other episode about how to empower your children post divorce, go do that. But for now, let's talk about coparenting. You, and hopefully your ex spouse, have some rules to put in place, maybe some lenses to put on, and maybe just some forgiveness to ask. Let's talk about some basic rules and the landmines that go with them. The handoff once again, some of you have kids who drive, but let's start with the little ones dropping off and picking up as kids prepare to leave your house for the exes, try to stay positive and deliver them on time. Being consistently late can create needless anxiety, and if you're always late, then don't pretend you'll magically be on time next week. Pick a time, hit the time, show respect to the other person, and value their schedule. This eliminates the eye rolls, the stress, the angry looks, and glances at the watch. Let's take a quick break. Are you facing the challenging crossroads of divorce? I bet you know of someone who is. Well, now there's a resource for your shelf. Maybe for you, maybe for a friend. Unyoked choices the Christian Handbook for divorce decisions a book for those in need. Buy one for you or for a friend? Navigate the divorce decision and the execution of unyoking with wisdom, strength, and confidence. Available now in paperback and kindle only 899. Order your copy today. Visit todturner.com books. Unyoked choices because these decisions matter. Help children anticipate change. Remind kids that they'll be leaving for the other parent's house a day or two before the visit. Some of you don't manage your time well, and your kids pay the price. They inherit your stress and your anxiety. Pack in advance. Depending on their age, pack a tools bag for them before they leave. Make sure they don't forget anything that they're going to miss. Encourage, maybe packing familiar items and reminders like a special stuffed toy or a photograph or a postit note. Not your dad's most likely going to forget a snack, so I left you in one in here for you. That's rude. Also, drop off don't pick up a child. It's a good idea to avoid taking your child from the other parent, so you don't risk interrupting or curtailing a special moment. Drop off your child at the other parent's house. Plus, you control who comes to the door and who's in the car with you when your child returns. The beginning of your child's return home can be awkward or even rocky. To help your child adjust, keep things low key. When children first enter your home, try to have some downtime together. Read a book. Cook. Do some quiet activity. In our fast paced, crazy american society, we're generally running straight to practice or games or recitals. I can't solve that issue, but I can say avoid the in and out, right back out when possible. Double up. Make packing simpler. Make kids feel more comfortable when they visit their other parents house. Have kids keep certain basics toothbrush, airbrush, pajamas. At both houses, kids don't want to drag suitcases or bags to school or practices. Don't embarrass them. They're at an age where they worry about what everybody thinks and about standing out. Don't make them carry luggage with them on the drop off or on days of drop off. Allow your child space. Children often need a little time to adjust or transition. If they seem to need some space, do something else nearby. Don't ask for a lowdown. Hey, what did your dad's girlfriend wear? Do you like her? Isn't her laugh obnoxious? Don't poke. Don't gossip. Don't make your kids belittle and judge. It just isn't cool. Facts establish a special routine. Play a game. Serve the same special meal each time your kid returns. Kids thrive on routines. If they know exactly what to expect when they return, it can help them transition. They may enjoy knowing that they're going to walk in the door and taco soup will always be on the table. That helps them. Now, if there must be information exchange, and it won't be easy, don't do it in front of the child. Well, your daughter did something stupid. You better go talk to her. That's not cool. So speaking of coparenting communication methods, most issues stem from this issue. Let's be honest. If you and your spouse knew how to communicate, you most likely wouldn't be in this mess. I hate to generalize, but it's just true. Poor communication leads to problems. And if you haven't mastered it as a husband and wife, you're not going to do well as two divorced people. You're going to have to really work on communication skills however you choose to have contact. The following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication. Now, depending on your relationship, you may need to set up like a businesslike tone. Approach the relationship with your ex like a business partner. You know what the business is? Your child's well being. Speak. Write to your ex as you would a colleague. Be cordial, respect stay neutral. Relax. Talk slowly. Don't see them as the drunk, the asshole, the cheater, the selfish jerk, but as the person who will be overseeing your child for the next few hours or days. Take your communication seriously versus bitterly and listen. I know this is hard for some of you. It will be. You're going to have to step up an adult right now. Make request. Instead of making statements which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can in request. Maybe begin with hey, would you be willing to or can we try? Or this week, would it be possible if now listening communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you understood their point of view. Listening does not signify approval, so you won't lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinion. This sounds childish, but listen. Don't roll your eyes. You don't have to sleep with this person ever again the rest of your life. That's your reward. Just do it. Show some restraint. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood, if not longer. You can train yourself not to overreact to your ex, and over time, you can become numb to the buttons they may try to push with you. Commit to meeting and talking consistently, though it may be extremely difficult in the early stages, trust me, it is. But frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you are a coparent on a united front and that you would love them enough to endure it all. Keep your conversations kid focused. Never let a discussion with your ex partner digress into conversations about your needs or their needs. It should always be about the child's needs. Don't talk about oh so hard to get here on time today. I remember thinking, well, you made us in this situation, so I don't really give a cred what kind of day you had. And your ex may feel the same. Just keep it about the kids. Don't talk about yourself. It leads to poking the bear now. Quickly relieve stress in the moment. If you're in a situation and it's just stressful, it may feel impossible to stay calm when dealing with your ex spouse who's hurt you in the past, or they have a knack for pushing your buttons. But internally, quote that Bible verse you memorize. Think of your kid walking the stage at graduation. Think of the healthy adult you are raising. Think of the giant glass of lemonade and the juice will be worth a squeeze. You can do this making important decisions as coparents major decisions need to be made by you and your ex. Being open, honest, and straightforward about important issues is crucial to both your relationship with your ex and your children's well being. Medical needs whether you decide to designate one parent to communicate primarily with your healthcare professionals or attend the medical appointments, maybe together. Just keep each other in the loop. Education be easy on your teachers. Be sure to let the school know about changes in your child's living situation. Speak with your ex ahead of time about schedules, extracurricular activities, parent teacher conferences. Be polite to each other at school and sporting events and financial issues. The cost of maintaining two separate households can strain your attempts to be effective coparents. Set a realistic budget and keep accurate records for shared expenses. Be gracious if your ex provides opportunities for your children that you cannot provide. College savings not addressed in the degree figure it out. Let me pause for a moment and say something very, very important. This may only be for a handful of you, but you will need to hear it. Some of you got lucky, blessed. However you want to look at it, I know some. It's normally women who stepped up extra when the divorce agreements were vague. They poured in extra money. They worked extra. They bought dresses for dances. They bought that car. They took your child on vacation. They step up and invested in your child. You bought a boat, you drive a cool truck, and you have a lot of money in savings. And you're still splitting hairs and taking advantage of an agreement that was made in a hot dumpster fire moment. I'm not saying cut a check, although some of you should. But maybe loosen up. Maybe offer to step up in some areas. Maybe offer to help pay for that little thing that popped up. Braces, mission trips, birthday parties, weddings. You know. You know the thing you can help with? Do it. Do it for your kid. Now, if you're worried about how your ex is going to spend the money, navigate that. But step up. Our God is a God of justice. I have two tattoos on my body. They're from my favorite bible verse, Micah 68. My left arm says, seek justice. God doesn't care about that sheet of paper. If you're able, and your child and your ex spouse could use relief or even back acknowledgment, do the right thing. Step up. Your kids are watching. Sometimes we don't see the fruits of the labor till much later. Make it a priority to develop an amical relationship with your ex spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem solving skills as well. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves. Okay, do not do these things. Refrain from talking to your children about the detail of another parent's behavior. It's the oldest rule in the book. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Never argue in front of your children, whether it's in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time. Drop the conversation altogether. Children exposed to conflict between coparents are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, separate feelings from behavior. It's okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don't have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what's best for your kids, you, working cooperatively with the other parent, motivate your actions. Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, even a pet. They can all make good listeners when you feel like you need to get the negative feelings off your chest. Exercise also provides a healthy outlet, letting off steam, pun intended. Stay kid focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace. Your child's best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, look at a photograph of your child. Maybe calm down. Here is your coparenting list with some good coparenting rules to consider. Put your child's well being first. Always prioritize your child's physical and emotional well beings in all decisions and interactions. Their needs should come before any personal conflict. Issues between coparents maintain open communication. Foster open and respectful communication with the co parent. Keep each other informed about events, school health concerns, any issues related to your child. Number three, be flexible and lonely. Compromise recognize that flexibility is essential in coparenting. Be willing to accommodate each other's schedules and be open to making compromises when necessary. And four, respect each other's parenting style. Accept that you and your coparent may have different parenting approaches and now that you're out of the house, oh, they're really going to show up because you used to be able to talk and argue in bed about it, and now they're doing what they want and you're doing what you want. As long as there's no harm to the child. Respect each other's choices and avoid criticizing each other's parenting in front of the child. And five, create consistent rules and routines. Strive to maintain routines between both households. This provides stability and a sense of security for the child. Six, we've talked about this. Be punctual and reliable drop offs pickups visitation times. Reliability demonstrates to your child that they can trust both parents to be there for them and seven, avoid negative communication. Refrain from using negative or derogatory language about the coparent in front of the child. Negative comments can harm a child's self esteem and create unnecessary distress. Eight, resolve disagreements privately. If conflicts arise, discuss them privately with the coparent. Avoid arguing or discussing sensitive matters in front of the children and nine, encourage a relationship with the other parent. Support and encourage your child's relationship with their mom or their dad. Never try to alienate or undermine a bond between a child and a parent. This is tough. Attend important events together whenever impossible. Attend milestones together as parents. This shows a united front and reinforces your child's sense of family. How great would it be to go to an event? Not have to worry about your parents fighting? Do you know they're going to get along? It's not awkward. Eleven, be willing to seek mediation if it needs to happen. If a major conflict arises and your communication breaks down, be open to mediation through your church or professional help, please. Twelve, share information about the child. Share information about his life, school, extracurricular activities, health updates. Once again, both parents should be involved and informed. 13 respect visitation arrangements. Stick to your agreed schedules. Give advance notice if adjustments are needed. This is the one that causes a lot of arguments with the last minute phone calls or oh, I forgot, I didn't know it was my week. That just creates so many problems. Don't be guilty of that. 14 keep legal agreements. Abide by any agreements and court orders related to your custody or visitations. They're in place for a reason. 15 be patient and forgiving. Coparenting, obviously is a giant challenge. And guess what? Your ex is going to make mistakes, and so are you. Give grace and take grace for the sake of your child. Remember, effective coparenting requires an ongoing effort and cooperation. When coparents work together with their child's best interest and heart, it leads to a healthier, more stable upbringing for the child post divorce. Here's the truth. Time heals a lot of wounds. As you get further from the trauma of your divorce, the more you're going to be able to be cordial with your ex. Now, there's not a blanket rule here. Some of your exes burn down the house and the bridge in the hope of any reconciliation or even common courtesy. They may still be acting a fool, making poor life choices, poking at you every step of the way. Turn the other cheek when possible, stand firm when needed, and try this. I'm being sarcastic here. When all else fails, pray. Be honest. Have you lifted your ex in prayer in a while? Not for reconciliation, not for God to pour their blessings on them, but for a good parenting relationship to get along in unity on raising a christlike child. Some of you do not know how to pray for your ex. And let's be very frank, it is hard. It is hard when there is the bitterness that is going on or, and this happened with me. So I know 100% this is true. And that is in order to sleep at night, in order to get through the trauma, we sometimes have to just say, this is the way something is. This person is wired this way. This is what happened. This is who they are. And in order for us to make it make sense, we just have to make some assumptions. And they may not even be true, but they help us sleep at night and it's dangerous because the person probably is not exactly who it is that you're saying they are. Just because somebody was a jerk doesn't mean they are a jerk. Just because somebody betrayed you doesn't mean they're a betrayed er. But sometimes we have to just make it make sense. But when we remember, and hopefully you were equally yoked and your ex was a believer and is a believer, not was, is a believer, then we have to see them the way God sees them. And they may have messed up and they may still be messing up, but God still loves them. God can use them and they're still the parent of your children. That person hopefully loves your child. So we need to pray for them with a different lens on. If you need help, let's give it a shot right here. Pray something like this. Heavenly Father, Lord, you are good. You are mighty, you are powerful, you are awesome. We thank you for loving us when we don't deserve it. We thank you for pouring grace on us when we fail over and over and over again. And, Lord, as we sit here, I want to lift up my ex spouse, the parent of my children. Lord, I want you to heal where you can heal. Pour into in a way that gets attention, Lord, whether, however that is, Lord, we just ask that you show yourself to be real and mighty, that no matter what they're going through, they put you first, your principles, your rules. Be kingdom minded in all that they do. Lord, we ask them to put a lens on of you, of Christ, when they engage with our children, when they discipline, when they role model, Lord, may Christ be the center of all, all the activities, all the thoughts and all the conversations around my children with my ex when I'm not around. Lord, I just ask you to pour grace on situations that we cannot even forecast. Lord, we rely on you and your infinite perfect will and your power, Lord, to just intervene when we can't be strong where we are weak. Lord, I lift up my ex. I know that you love them, and I just ask all this in your son's name. Amen. Something like that. Something that may be really, really hard for you. And who knows, who knows what God can do with that? But you're praying for the parent of your child. That's worth praying for all of I have said today the best advice, the Trump card you need above all else, is pray to our father above. It's just true. Prayer is the only way that I got through any of my mess. It's not because I'm smart. It's not because I know anything anybody else knows. It's the power of prayer and the power of community and working with my ex to raise my kids to the best of our ability. Thank you for joining us today on the Unyoke podcast. Remember, you're not alone on this journey. Together we can help raise our children, heal, and thrive post divorce. If you found value in this episode, don't forget to subscribe and to share it with others who might benefit from this important discussion. Maybe your ex. Join us next time for more empowering conversations on unyoked. Thank you for listening to the Unyoked podcast with me, Todd Turner. This was originally planned to be a limited 17 episode podcast, navigating the major milestones after the divorce. Well, the feedback and needs were too great, and now I'm going to dive deeper into each episode. But with a female cohost, we are excited to help further the conversations into divorce recovery and gaining healthy single legs as a Christian. But would you do us a favor as we prepare our topics and episodes? Please go to toddturner.com contact and give us feedback on the podcast specific episodes topics you wish were addressed. We would love to hear from you. Then after that, please rate and review this podcast. You might not know how important that is to help grow the popularity and the reach of this resource for thousands of people who need it and don't. Even know it exists. Rate, subscribe share all of it. But let's start with go to toddturner.com contact and let me hear from you. I read every single email that comes in blessing.