Essential Steps for Christians Going Through Divorce

We've just released Episode 2 of the UnYoked Podcast, and I can't wait to share the highlights with you. In this episode, Todd Turner provides valuable insights on navigating the complexities of a Christian divorce with grace and wisdom. Let's dive in and discover some key takeaways from the episode.

5 Keys You'll Learn in This Episode:

1. Understanding the concept of a "hardened heart" and how it relates to the decision to file for divorce.

2. The importance of seeking legal advice and protecting yourself financially during the divorce process.

3. How to announce your plans to divorce, especially when children are involved, and the significance of maintaining respect for your ex-partner.

4. Navigating the challenges of church involvement during a divorce and giving yourself permission to step back if needed.

5. The significance of taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally as you navigate this new reality.

Fun Fact from the Episode:

Did you know that 90% of divorces start with both parties naively assuming that they can part ways amicably, only to realize later that the process is far more complex and contentious than anticipated?

As we wrap up, remember to treat yourself with kindness and grace during this challenging time. It's okay to sit in this moment and navigate it well. Be attentive to your physical and mental well-being, and remember that there are resources available at toddturner.com/divorce to support you.

In the meantime, if you haven't listened to the episode yet, head over to [link to the episode] to catch all the valuable advice from Todd.

Let's navigate this journey together, and don't forget to reach out to the UnYoked community for support and encouragement.

P.S. Have you or someone you know experienced a Christian divorce? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section below the video. Your insights could provide comfort and guidance to others going through a similar journey. Let's create a supportive space for each other.

Transcript

0:02

The unyoked podcast navigating the pain process and possibilities after a christian divorce as christians, we are quick to give advice, and if we don't, let's be honest, we can be quick to judge. We also love to see situations as black and white, right or wrong. The problem is, life is much more complex than we often assume or even pretend. Your decision to get a divorce will often attract feedback, assumptions, considerations, and suggestions. Be ready from someone who had to navigate this decision. Trust me, I had feedback of it's about time. I don't know how you lasted so long to hey, consider the kids. Don't do this to why did you agree to that in the divorce? I don't know your specifics and I don't know how horrible your spouse treated you, and that's good. I'm going to offer some general advice that should apply to most all of you. Of course, there's got to be exceptions. But let's talk about your heart for a moment. If you're like me, something happened before your decision to file for a divorce. I personally went from walking over glass to save my marriage to a hard heart in ten short minutes. One of it took me to the straw that broke the camel's back moment I never understood. In the Bible when it talked about hard hearts. It just made no sense to me. I couldn't even fathom what it meant until it happened to me. My heart was hardened and I knew it was time. There's a thing that counselors look for. Passion. Sometimes love disguises itself as hate. When you are mad, it's because you love someone and you're hurt by them. But once a person reaches indifference, the hard heart, that is when it is over. If you're navigating this hard heart, my goal is to have you walk these next steps in your life with wisdom. If you're navigating your next steps with emotion and out of pain, you're not going to like some of the advice I will be suggesting today. One lawyers get one. Ask around. Never on social media. Interview them. You don't have to choose the first person that you walk into their office. Find someone that connects with you. Listen to what they say about finances. Money is often moved around during divorces. Protect yourself. Consider Christian principled legal advice. Do not navigate a divorce together. Now your spouse and you may say, we can't afford it. Well, you cannot afford not to. Is that right? Cannot afford not to, that's right. I'm going to repeat this for those who did not listen to episode 190 percent of most divorces start with the same simple minded statement by both parties. We're adults. We're going to be able to divorce without much fighting. What's his is his, what's mine is mine. We can do this. Well, let me give you some great advice that your spouse is probably going to hate. Hire a lawyer and have them fight for you, for your kids, and for your future. You aren't just splitting up tvs and albums from college. This is a way bigger moment than just things. You're going to get into fights about visitation holidays. You're going to have to awkwardly navigate your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend picking up dropping off your kids Christmas Eve. Best to put it all in writing and have a professional write down and a judge confirm your agreements. There is debt equity bills, taxes, insurance, college funds, future investments, wills, et cetera. You're not going to agree on all these. And I promise you you're going to disagree and you feel like you're manipulated to think like they do, like their lawyer does. Let your lawyer do the dirty work. I've heard it over and over again. I just wanted out and I was too tired to fight and I wish I would have. So for those of you that think this might apply to you, there are good resources from christian firms who help people navigate their separation with grace and unity. Don't do it yourself. Do it with a trained professional. Wrestling with the details of unyoking is already not easy and it will change. Sometimes weekly, sometimes daily. Be ready for the ups and downs, frustrations and changed promises nothing verbal. Your spouse promises means anything if it's not in a divorce degree and it's signed by the judge. Now announcing your plans to divorce. If you have kids with your spouse, let me strongly suggest as bad, evil and as horrible of a person your spouse may be, salvage the reputation of your child's parent. Choose your words carefully to the kids. Keep on a biblical lens, not too much information. Don't belittle that their world is turning upside down and don't act like it's all going to be okay. Be encouraging and be a realist. They have no idea what is going to hit them. Now who else needs to know? Well, if anybody needs to understand why you are out of the house or they are out of the house or hey, where's know? You could just say hey, Bob and I have filed for a divorce. We are currently living separate. Not hey, Bob's a lying sack of dog dung and I kicked his butt out of the house after I wrote his boss a long email. Also, your kid's mom and dad need their job to pay bills. Don't win the battle and lose the war. Jobs are off limit. If your spouse has a secret sin and works for a church, maybe this is an exception. But your divorce announcement shouldn't be the first time for church leaders to know of your marital issues. Your inner circle can know. Not your Facebook friends, not the local christian radio morning show. Be sure to take feedback of your announcement with a grain of salt. Everyone has opinions and axes to grind. People have different levels of justice. Don't fight their fight. Some of your friends will want your ex to walk the plank, to have public shame, to bleed them dry, ruin their names. On a side note, God performs miracles. I've heard of plenty of people who came to their senses while navigating the complexities of a divorce. It scares the Jesus back into some people. Leave room for those miracles and don't sabotage your relationship, your kids relationship, or your church relationships with your anger. When people are faced with the realities of losing everything, they often take a harder look at solutions. Don't burn a bridge any worse than it already is. I know that all small groups have a life of their own, and your church most likely encourages you to do life together. But I would like to send up a giant caution about talking about marriage issues and circles with your Sunday school and your small groups. There are two sides to every story. People will pick sides. People will feel it's their job to intervene. If your small group has real friends in it, talk to them outside the meeting. Just because you're in a small group does not give the right or the need to jump into the middle of something so complex. Now, some people may disagree with me, but I think it's because they want their small groups to be authentic. But how? A lot of small groups work. It's not that every room is mature enough for the sensitive situations. Divorces and marriage problems are a lot more complex than most of those people have even thought through. It's going to create problems. Know your tight inner circles. Give them only the details that they need to know, and to them only. All right, get off social media. Unless you make money online. Go silent on all the apps every time you want to pick up your phone. Go for a walk, read yoga, call a friend. Stay off the apps. Better yet, delete them. And just don't be tempted when your friends say, hey, did you see what Bob posted? Say no and I don't care. But if my lawyer needs to know, send me a screenshot and I'll forward it to them. That will stop all the drama right there. I can think of 20 bad things that social media can do to you in a divorce and I can't think of one good thing. Get off. You don't need to be on right now. Now this is a little bit more tricky navigating church. Now we're going to talk about something super controversial. And even though there is a whole episode coming about churches, we're going to discuss church and divorce right now. Some of your spouses will be ghost at church, some will want to show up and some may even want to sit together. Sitting apart is awkward, especially with Kids, and it invites weird questions and stares. Church is awkward during a divorce. It just is no way to deny it. Listen, I love God and I love the church. But if you need to step away from an awkward situation for a season, I give you permission. Miss some Sundays unvolunteer, visit another church for a while, watch online. Your pastor may strongly disagree with what I just said right there, but they may be wrong. They haven't walked this walk. And the answer isn't, oh, you just need to be in church. We're your family. We're going to help you get through this. It's just not true. Your small group is not a marriage and divorce expert. That's not what they're built to do. It's not a sin to skip church and avoid some painful moments. Get some rest. Sleep in. Read the word in solitude. Cry out, ponder, hurt. Don't let anybody tell you differently. Pastors can be wrong. That's okay too. Don't be guilted into doing something you are not comfortable with. God gives us grace in this area. People are the church. Those programs, responsibilities and buildings, they're not the church. Let them go. Do their things. During this time in your life. Release the burden. It is okay. Sometimes the reality of divorce will cause someone to try and save their marriage at the 11th hour. Actions speak louder than words. I'm going to give you a little suggestion. Put the required actions into words. Make a list of non negotiable items. What actions can we commit to that might save our marriage? When the second one of those is violated, then you know they're not serious. They're just talking. Define what will possibly save your marriage. Make a contract. It will be a lot easier to move forward once the agreement is broken. This is a last ditch effort and a way to measure authentic attempts to restore your marriage. Now buckle up. The new reality is hard. Whatever caused your divorce and marital issues might be out of the house but may not have disappeared fully. But now you'll have two likely bitter people fighting. Emotions are high. Defense mechanisms are flying everywhere. It will be a tough season. Keep your circle tight. Get legal advice, especially if your spouse begs you not to. That's when you do it. Protect your kids health and your lifelong relationships with parents. Take all advice you get with a grain of salt. Rest physically and mentally. Changes are coming to your lifestyle, to your house, to your jobs, finance, church, all of it. This season can take a few months, even years. Here are a few last bit pieces of advice. Be gentle with yourself. Don't move on. Sit in this moment. Navigate it well. Be attentive to your body and your mind. Sleep. Eat, exercise. Drink water. Be kind to yourself. Look out for your needs, and you can go to toddturner.com divorce for resources and to sign up for emails as we navigate being unyoked as a Christian. Blessings.